“NO!There’s nothing you’re going to say that is going change my mind about whatyou’re doing to yourself! And you know what? I saw your browser search historyat home and I’ve got your doctor’s name! I’m going to sue her for turning youinto a monster!”
“Ihaven’t been able to afford to see my doctor in months, Mom.”
Brookehad stockpiled several months’ worth of estradiol and had been generouslydosing both me and Debbie for months.
“I’mstill going to sue her for malpractice! That way, she’ll never be able to ruinanother boy the way she ruined you!”
Ilooked over at the mouse cushion in the adjoining TV room.
Therewas something going on there in the place where the little rodent had held itsdeath vigil, a tight energy of divining. Then, in keeping with my mom’sviciousness, my own desperate screams echoed back at me from the couch—DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!—
NO—Ihave to just stand up for myself, finally.
“Mom,please stop this,” I said quietly, hoping she would reciprocate in tone. “I’mnot a boy. I’m your daughter.”
Ithought I saw the mouse there on the couch again, breathing fast and dying sad.Next to it, I sensed something much larger, a shadow, hitting itself violently.But I turned away and dismissed it as a figment of my imagination, or a latentstress-factor of the conversation taking place.
“You’renot my daughter! You’re nothing! You’re a freak!”
I closedmy eyes.
“I’m your child.”
“Notanymore! If I’d known what you were going to do to me, I would have abortedyou!”
Then, Idon’t know how, everything inverted and I started laughing at my mom.
“Do youthink this is funny?”
“Ithink it’s hilarious, mom.”
Yeah,funniest shit ever.
“Stoplaughing, or you just lost a mother!”
Iregained my composure after about a minute.
“Mom,”I told her, “I really think you need professional help.”
“I’mgoing to make you regret this. And all you will ever know from this will beeternal misery. Idiot.”
Shehung up on me.
Iglanced at the mouse cushion again. The energies I’d seen there had dissipated,and all traces of my weeks-old screaming fit had also stopped. Everything wasquiet again, and I was alone.
Iwonder what my mom did with the library book.
5
Theday before I was stabbed to death, I bought my own copy of that book online,along with a couple of others. But they didn’t get mailed to me in time for meto be alive to open the box. I hope someone else gets the books and finds themuseful.
6
Anhour or so before I was stabbed to death, I met Nora for the first and lasttime.
Debbiehad asked me if I’d drive her to this party a little way out of the city.Debbie’s scooter wasn’t highway-worthy, and I didn’t have anything else goingon, so I said “sure, let’s go!” It would be good to get out of the house for awhile and maybe meet new people.
I’mintroverted by nature, but I once we got there I felt like I’d been sprung fromprison. I’d never seen so many of my people gathered in one place, not even ingroup. It was like we had our own nation. Maybe I’d also felt at easebecause Debbie was introducing me around. I’d gotten to talking with Norabecause she’d overheard me say something about David Cronenberg.
“Wait,really?” she brightened and swooped in, “I’m from Toronto, he’s like royaltythere!”
Herface astonished me, very aquiline, and she had green eyes. She had on thissleeveless black dress that made her many arm tattoos stand out in the ochrelight. She had thick, black hair that she’d tied up in a bun, and sheshamelessly wore a lot of Claire’s mall jewelry.
“WhichCronenberg’s your favorite?” I asked her.
“Videodrome,of course!”
“Noway—that’s my favorite, too! Nicki Brand is my spirit mom!”
“I know, right?” she beamed with rose lips. “Long live the new flesh!”
Sheled me to the living room and the party became this sideways thing that didn’tconcern us so much anymore. Conversations took place around us about this orthat, but we were only us. I even forgot about my mom.
“Yeah,”Nora said. “I’ve lived here for about three months. The commute to work blows,but the job is chill and I can look how I want. Sometimes I even work fromhome.”
“Igot fired for looking how I want,” I said with my head down.
Noragestured before me with her gilded hand, and drew me back into her eyes. Shelooked determined to keep us both charged. She also seemed so confident andcomfortable with herself, so I finally asked her.
“Howlong have you been alive-for-real?”
“Justa few years,” she shrugged, not affronted, nor breaking her intent gaze. “Imean, my parents knew something was up, so we all worked it out together. I hada feeling they’d be cool about it.”
Damn,if only.
Sheasked me how I knew Debbie, and I told her how I’d been kicked out of my mom’shouse and fled to the city where Debbie met me in group, and happened to belooking for another housemate at the time.
“Wait,your mom kicked you out?”
“Sorry,”I said. “It’s really bad with her.”
“Don’tapologize! She’s the one who should be fuckin’ sorry.”
Iasked Nora if she’d like to grab a drink when/if she had a free moment in thecity. She said hell yeah and we exchanged info. Turned out she lived in thathouse.
Lateron, I got a text from Debbie saying that she’d decided to stay over at hergirlfriend Allison’s, and she could catch the train down if I wanted to headback on my own. I texted back “OK COOL I think I will.” I didn’t want Nora tothink I was only interested in a one-night stand. I think about this a lotnow—Nora had been practically dragging me toward her room. To this day,I don’t know why I was so shy about that. It was like I was denying thepossibility something good might happen for me. It was like I couldn’t fullyprocess her affinity.
Shedidn’t let me get away without a hug, and then an obvious re-invite-kiss.
Duringmy drive back to the city, I realized I totally should have stayed there withNora.
7
Aminute or so before I was stabbed to death, I pulled into this highway reststop that had a big food court. I got out of my car and looked around. Therewere some Mack trucks resting in the darkness
