“I’msorry, did I say something?” he asked.
Joyeleaned forward and kissed him squarely on the mouth. “You better finish that.Unlike the fish, I hate to see good whiskey go to waste.”
“I…are you…”
“Sheleft a twenty and a ten on the bar and stood. “Are you coming?”
Heslammed the rest of his drink, not regretting for a moment not taking the timeto savor it.
* * *
Samopened his eyes in the dark and felt a moment of panic overwhelm him. He wasdisoriented with sleep and the dark room felt cavernous, less like a deep holethan a void. He lay there for a long moment, breathing deeply and letting thedarker shadows in the room deepen into the silhouettes of his familiar thingsand ground him. His dresser, the bookshelf, the open door to the hallway cameinto focus as his eyes adjusted and revealed to him the things returned fromnothingness. He turned his head toward the unfamiliar shape in bed next to him.
Anotherperson. It had been so long since there was another person in his bed. Herecalled Joye’s enthusiasm as he unlocked the door to his condo and let itswing open. Without waiting to be shown in, she’d stepped through first andreached back to pull him in after her. Liv hadn’t been assertive like that.She’d liked the dance they did when she dropped a subtle hint here or there,and Sam would wrap his arms around her and place a soft kiss on her neck,waiting a moment for silent permission to kiss her again. She’d lean her headback into his shoulder and he’d kiss her and nudge her toward the bedroom, andshe’d say something like, “Oh you think so, do you?” reminding him who was incontrol.
Onceagain, Joye was her opposite and wasn’t.
Hewatched the shadow outline of her shoulder against the deeper black of the roombeyond her body. He watched until he saw the subtle rise and fall of hershoulder with her breath. Then he let his out.
Hetouched her hip with a timorous hand. Her bare skin was warm and soft and feltlike electricity under his fingers. He let his hand slid down the arc of herhip, to thigh, to bent knee. She didn’t stir, but let out a contended soundingsigh. In the dark, he had only hints of the features of her face. A small chin,a long thin nose, and hair that seemed like a burst of darkness. A dark stainthat made his stomach tighten and his heart beat a little faster.
Everything’sfine, he told himself.He pulled back the sheets gently and slipped out of bed. He found his boxerbriefs on the floor and stepped into them, though he thought he might slip themoff again when he came back to bed. Even though he lived alone, it felt strangewalking around the house without anything on. As if he might have to run outinto the hallway in a hurry and beg a neighbor to use the phone because ohgod she isn’t breathing and my battery is dead and please just call 9-1-1 andtell them to send someone right away because she’s not breathing and cold and Idon’t know what to do because I can’t find her phone and mine is dead andplease help me, and he didn’t want to ever feel as vulnerable as thatagain, and wearing clothes felt a little like being in control. He was incontrol of his body, if nothing else.
Hestepped into the bathroom and lifted the lid, careful not to let it bang againstthe tank behind. He tried to pee into the bowl at the edge of the water so thesplash of his urine wouldn’t wake Joye. He felt a little splash against hisshin and re-aimed, frustrated that he’d missed. But he was still groggy fromwine and whiskey and sleep and hadn’t turned on any lights.
Sonot to wake Joye.
Becausewhen she woke up it would all be over. She would get dressed, maybe kiss him alittle, and then she would collect her things and go home, because, even thoughshe’d slept with him, this was still a first date and she wouldn’t want to staythe whole weekend. It was too early for a weekend together. Slowly. One day ata time.
Justlike surviving.
Hefinished, closed the lid quietly and debated whether or not to flush. Hedecided the noise was a better risk than leaving that for Joye to find if shewoke up before he did. He waited until the loudest part of the process wasfinished before opening the door and returning to the bedroom.
Hepadded down the hall, and stopped in the doorway. It took him a minute to makesense of what he saw. She was sitting up in bed.
“I’msorry. I didn’t mean to wake you,” he whispered. She said nothing. “Joye?” Heturned on the hallway light, thinking that she might have to use the bathroomtoo, but didn’t know where to go in the unfamiliar dark. Light will cast outthe darkness.
Thechild sitting on Joye’s chest looked at him with black eyes that reflected backthe hallway light. It stared at him the same way it had in the restaurant.
Hewanted to scream at it to get away from her, but he lost his breath. His throatfelt constricted like strong little fingers had wrapped around it. The childleaned forward, closer to Joye’s face, but didn’t turn its gaze away from him.
“Stop,”Sam choked out. He took a rasping breath and tried to say it again. “Stop,please. Don’t.”
Thechild’s eyebrows knitted and it titled its head a little to the side. “Why?” itasked.
Samedidn’t know what to say. Why? Why?
“Because,I like her. Please, stop. I need this. I need her.”
Thechild’s face shifted, upturned eyebrows knitting together, making itsexpression as dark as any moonless night or bad intention. “I needed you.”
“I…”
Goosefleshrose on Sam’s body and his breath billowed out of his mouth in a humid cloudthat fell apart as fast as his courage. He felt a sheen of filth in him thatcouldn’t ever wash away. No matter what he
