“Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it”
There was a very uncomfortable silence. We had so much to talk about. I really didnot know where to begin. Maria broke the silence by putting her head down and burstinginto tears.
“My life is one big fucking mess,” she said. “Que fue?” I asked with genuineconcern.
“He left me, Luisa; he left me for another woman. And I’m going crazy withouthim,” she said.
How could she be so self-absorbed? Did she know that I went to bed every nightfeeling empty and lonely? Did she understand that there was something missing from mylife? I couldn’t love. I couldn’t feel anything. Instead, I lived my life like a blind mantrapped in darkness, not having the light needed to truly see the colors of love. I couldn’tunderstand the emotions that I did have. So, I kept them buried deep inside of me, lockedaway in a box that someone else had created.
For years I walked around with the Bible in my hand, holding it to my heart, praying,and memorizing versus. Sister Abigail would often stop me during passing and ask me torecite a verse or interpret a parable. My words would stumble as I clumsily leafedthrough the book, trying to find the page that I had studied all night.
She would twirl her rosary beads in her hands as she looked at me. I was so scared. Ifelt that one day she would be so disappointed with me that she would wrap the damnthing around my neck and strangle me with it. She would then order me to go into myroom and not come out until I respected the Lord’s word and his gift to the world, whichwas the Bible. I remember being in my room all day, wrapped in a blanket, shivering andpraying to God that I would become the person that she wanted me to be.
Girls would come and go and in a few short months they would win over SisterAbigail. They would look at me and wonder what was wrong? Why couldn’t I catch on?It was then that I understood that they were pretending. Their every move was calculatedand every action that they performed was to please Sister Abigail. Inside, we were allsuffering, but we had to bury our true feelings. We did this to survive, but in the end, welost certain parts of ourselves that we could never get back.
So, I grew up frail and fragile. I went through life feeling very much like a twig thatwould break with the slightest wind. I needed something to make me strong. I struggledwith myself for years to understand what was missing in my life. Then I realized that Ineeded to be part of a family. I needed to feel love. So when I saw Maria’s letter. Icouldn’t resist. Can you blame me? I think that you would have done the same thing inmy situation. Only you’re a lot smarter and tougher than I was. But your life doesn’t haveto be like mine or like Maria’s. I haven’t given you much, but I want you to have theguidance and knowledge that I never had. And maybe, just maybe, your life will bedifferent.
“Luisa, are you listening to me?” Maria said. “Yes. Yes of course.”
“I can’t believe he did this to me. I gave him everything.” Maria said while shakingher head.
“I used to be so strong and beautiful.” Her eyes squinted as fresh tears spurted out.
Her words gained some momentum. She began to wave her hands in the air like shewas conducting an invisible orchestra. “Now look at me, I am a fat pig with four badasskids.” She put her head down and began to whine like a child.
“I don’t know what I am gonna do without Nico. He has been my life for so long.Luisa, I don’t think that I can live without him,” she said clutching my hand. I just satthere, looking at Maria like she was an actor in a play. She was incredibly dramatic andhad my full attention. However, I didn’t feel a great deal of empathy for her because apart of me felt that it was just a performance, that it wasn’t real. I sighed. I knew thisfeeling very well. It was emptiness, something that I had felt my entire life.
“Luisa, you’re the only thing that I have. You’re my favorite child,” she saidgrabbing my arm like she was a toddler who was desperate for attention.
“We need each other,” she said.
“Yes, Maria. I needed you too,” I said dryly.
“What did I say Chica. Call me momma,” she said with her voice taking on a hint ofauthority. I looked at her perplexed.
How could she be so selfish? Did she realize that the pain that she was feeling nowwas how I felt every day of my life? Nico left her with nothing, just like she left me withnothing. Only I had the good graces to come back and help her. I felt like fate had playeda terrible trick on me. I came here to feel loved, and yet, Maria wasn’t willing to love me.
“I sent for you because I need you to help me find Nico,” she continued.
What? That’s not what she said in the letter. She wrote to me saying that she wantedme here so we could be a family again, without Nico. And what did she mean by she sentfor me? I brought my own plane ticket, defied Sister Abigail and left everything that Iknew behind for her. I looked down and began to fumble nervously with my fingers withmy thoughts tumbling in my head. I blinked a couple of times. I needed to tell her what Iwanted. I needed to tell her that I didn’t come here to help her find Nico. But I couldn’tget the words out. I felt like all my emotions were rotting inside of me. My chesttightened. I took a couple
