Nico was right. I didn’t feel any pain. Not when I was around him. It was like I coulddo awful things and not feel guilt or regret because I had power. Power that I got fromexploiting others. After a while, the negativity made me sick, and I knew that we bothhad to stop when our world started to fall apart. We lost our family, our money, ourreputation and self-respect. I begged and pleaded with Nico to stop. He couldn’t; he wasso afraid of the shadows. He was paranoid that one day, he wouldn’t be able to controlthem, and they would turn on him. It took me a long time to realize that his desire tocontrol stems from fear.
Don’t forget what Chobo told you. You need to work with Oggún. He represents theenergy that passes through our souls. He can replenish you and help you function fully asa person. You don’t need to feel like you’re a victim. You got to understand that thehardships in life make you more powerful. Nico has already taken so much from you, butOggún can help you to regain your personal power. Please, don’t be like me. You mightfeel disappointed because it might seem that everyone in your life has let you down. Butno matter what, don’t close your heart. Trust me when I tell you that it makes thingsworse. I lost every chance that I had to love because I was afraid of hurting them andmyself. But you need them, listen to them, let them help you and guide you. Let Oshúnopen your heart. She will help you to become independent inside, so you never have tofear losing people, or of being alone. She’ll give you the inner strength and courage tolove, first yourself and then eventually others.
I took away so much from you, and I wish that I could have left you so much more.Just remember this, Nina; I loved you, your brother, and momma more than anything inthe world. I’m sorry I didn’t say that when I was alive. But I want you to know that I amhere to help you and guide you. You should learn from my mistakes and loveunconditionally; this way you’ll never have to go out looking for love, because youwould already have it inside of yourself.
~ ~ ~
Chapter Twenty-TwoNelly
I was running from the past, my past. I maneuvered around bushes and leaped overlogs. I didn’t know how long I could keep up the pace. But I knew that running was myonly option. I couldn’t slow down. I couldn’t look back. Because my past had become amonster that was threatening to eat me up alive.
I went to the neighboring houses and started banging my fist on doors, smacking mybalms against glass, begging and pleaded for someone to save me from Nico. He wascoming after me and wanted to kill me. He was going to kill everyone who loved me andtried to protect me, until he got to me. I was frantic and determined not to stop, untilsomeone came to my rescue. I ran across a patch of lawn.
“Somebody help me! He’s trying to kill me!” I screamed.
The houses on the block awakened, flickers of yellow lights emanated from thewindows. Doors flung open and people in their pajamas rushed outside to stare at me.
“She’s dead! He had her killed and now he’s after me!” I screamed.
I looked into the crowd and thought that I caught a glimpse of Diablo. I tore my eyesaway and locked my gaze on Blazen. No. Nico is here, how did he find me so quickly?Someone was pushing through the crowd; he stopped and stared at me. It was Fatboy; hehad his pistol in his hand. He pointed it at me, and all I could think to do was to run. Iturned around and ran, without looking back. I knew where I needed to go, somewherewhere no one would ever think to find me.
I caught wind of someone tailing me. They were gaining speed. I couldn’t let themcatch me. I took a couple of missteps and did a right flank. I whirled around, with my armstiff and wooden, my fist clenched and knuckles spiked like an iconic flail. It slammedinto Blazen’s face with blunt force. I drew back and watched her as she swaggered,holding her nose, while doing a drunken man’s jig. I stared at my fist, amazed by itspower. It was different now. It was about survival. I knew that if I wanted to live that Icouldn’t be afraid anymore. I couldn’t be weak. I remembered all the shit that Blazen putme through. I continued to throw punches and kicks, with all the bad memories fuelingmy rage.
“How’s your pretty little face now?” I grunted between kicks.
There was a voice going off in my head. Nelly, stop this now! She’s had enough. Ilooked down at Blazen. She had her palm up, begging me to stop. I drew back. This iswhat he wants you to do. The voice continued. The power that I had over Blazen was anirresistible temptation. I walked backward, keeping her in full sight. A deep and dark partof me felt like I needed to finish the job. That if I went ahead and killed Blazen thatmaybe the emptiness, the pain, and the loneliness would go away. I began to massage mytemples, trying to tune out the voices that were edging me to move forward. I could killher, right here, right now, with my bare hands. I opened my eyes and looked over atBlazen.
“Please!” she said, as she scrambled backwards. I looked at her and knew that shewas too hurt to follow me.
“Bitch!” I screamed as I ran over and spit in her face. I
