How was that even possible? Wasn’t the whole point in trying to save her to keep from feeling that bone-deep pain again?
“Memories can make you the person you are in the present,” she said, and when he looked up at her she shrugged.
“I just figure that without all that happened in my past, I wouldn’t be who I am now. I wouldn’t be in a position to help those people at Safeside if those enforcers hadn’t burned down my store.”
“I want you to give me their names. Write it down if you don’t want to say it out loud. But I need to find them,” he said, rage bubbling to rest alongside the fear.
She shook her head. “It doesn’t matter. They didn’t beat me mentally. They thought they did, but they really just made me stronger. I know what my purpose is now and I’m doing it. Despite what my father thought.”
This was the second time he’d heard her mention her father and each time her tone had been somber. Had he been the one to mentally abuse her? Great, someone else Steele wanted to kill for causing her pain. He was losing his grip.
“You should get back to sleep,” he said and reached up to wrap his fingers around the wrist of her hand that was on his face.
Her skin was soft to the touch and for a second he thought about never feeling that softness again.
“We can lie down together. When I was little and the few times I could sleep, after I woke up from a bad dream, I would fluff all my pillows up and line them down the bed right next to where I lay. So that when I climbed under the blankets to go back to sleep, I’d feel like there was someone there with me.” She looked so hopeful with the raise of her brow and the slight tilt of her lips into a small smile.
Steele wished like hell he could lie down with her. He wished he could hold her in his arms through the night and perhaps more nights in the future, to assure her it was safe enough to not only sleep, but to dream of something other than living underground and stealing to take care of the people she cared about.
But he couldn’t.
There was nothing he could do. This situation was a mess and he’d helped it to become that way. Now, all he could do was what he thought was right for them both—get rid of the threat against her and move on with his life, without her.
“Come on, I’ll tuck you in,” he said before standing from the bed.
“You aren’t going to lie with me?” she asked as she moved to the top of the bed once more and sat with her back facing the pillows.
“I’ll be back,” he said, because he was too chickenshit to tell her that he was about to clean her memory of him and this place, forever. It wasn’t a dangerous procedure—all he had to do was touch her or point his magick in her direction to clean her memories. And it was safe. After the magick touched her she would fall into a deep sleep that would last several hours. It was almost the same as when he used dream dust, only with this process she wouldn’t remember him or anything about their time together when she awoke. Other than that memory loss, there were no residual effects with this process. At most, she’d awake very hungry. Just because hunger could keep a mind from thinking about anything other than food.
She wouldn’t agree, he knew that without a doubt. She’d never want someone to decide stealing her memories was the best option, would never agree to giving up that much control. He could almost hear her cursing him in his mind now. Still, he knew he had to do it, and even if there was a tinge of doubt, Theo had insisted the exposure be taken care of, all of which meant, there was no need to discuss this with her. If that meant he was taking consent and therefore control away from her, then so be it. It was necessary.
Then why was it so damn difficult?
“Just lie down and sleep. You won’t miss me while I’m away,” he said, even though a part of him wished she would.
When she lay back against the pillows, Steele pulled the sheet and comforter he’d added on the bed for her to be extra warm, up to her neck and then used his hands to tuck them in tightly all the way down to her ankles.
She giggled. “I think I’m completely tucked in now.”
“Good,” he replied and stood back from the bed. But he couldn’t walk away, not just yet. Instead he stood there for what felt like endless seconds just staring at her, watching her blink, studying the rounded end of her nose, the slight lift of her cheeks, her long fingers as they lay on top of the blankets. He would never forget her, he knew, not one tiny part of her.
He turned then, because his chest felt so tight he wasn’t sure the next breath was going to come. But as he moved closer to the door, her voice stopped him.
“I will miss you, Steele.”
He couldn’t look at her again, couldn’t stand to hear her voice saying his name or anything else she might want to tell him. Steele walked through the door, closing it with a resounding click behind him and then he turned, ready to run through the hallway until he could get outside into the open air,
