But as I glanced at him as he put his clothes back together after a glorious bout of sex on my kitchen table, I wished he did love me, because I was pretty sure I loved him. I couldn’t be sure because I’d never been in love before. Sure, I’d liked a few of the men I’d dated. But this swelling longing in my heart hadn’t been there. Was that love? Was my feeling desperately wanting to beg him to stay, love?
But even if he did love me, I was a practical person. I knew who I was and how difficult I could be. He was my polar opposite. How long would it be before the novelty of each other’s differences wore off and we ended up hating each other? No, it seemed wiser to find a way to be friends so we could raise this child to be happy and healthy.
I turned off the timer and used my hot pads to pull the casserole from the oven.
“There’s plates up there,” I said with a nod toward my cupboard.
Ryder opened it and pulled some dishes out.
“Look, they match,” he said with an amused grin as he set them on the table. I knew he was joking, but it had just been one more reminder of how he and I weren’t compatible. Not because he and I had different ideas about dishes, but because I was the type of person to gripe about it. I’d been irritated the first day I showed up at his house for the bet, and had taken it out on him. I think I’d known from that first night that I wouldn’t be able to resist him and I was looking for reasons to keep myself from giving in. It was stupid, but there it was.
We sat down to eat.
“Are you all right?” he asked as he scooped up some of the casserole. “You’re unusually quiet. I didn’t hurt you, did I? Or the baby?”
The baby. I was glad he was so attentive about the baby. That’s why he was here.
“No, it’s fine. I’m just surprised you’re here.”
He frowned. “Why? We’re having a baby. We need to do this together.”
I smiled, even though inside I was breaking. For all my self-talk about how we couldn’t be together, I found myself heartbroken that he wasn’t here for me.
“Yes. It’s just been a while.”
He nodded. “I had a few things to take care of.”
“Stark?” I asked, hoping he heard amusement in my question.
He gave me a sheepish smile. “Among other things.”
We had a pleasant dinner that reminded me of all the other dinners we’d had together. How come we could be so comfortable and normal like this and yet, not be suitable? Because deep down, I needed to feel safe, secure, and loved, and I didn’t think Ryder, with his easy-going attitude towards life, and bachelor ways could give me that.
After dinner, he told me to sit while he did the dishes. When he finished, he leaned against the sink and looked at me sitting at the table.
“My house is empty and quiet with you gone,” he said.
My heart did a flip in my chest, but I told it to settle down. That wasn’t a confession of love. “Not too quiet with those creaking floors,” I joked.
He laughed. “Yeah, well it’s not the same.” He rolled his shoulders like he was releasing tension. “I liked having you there.”
I smiled. “Turns out being fake married wasn’t so hard after all.”
He looked down. “No. It wasn’t.”
“Perhaps it was too easy. I mean, look at us now. I was the last person to think I’d ever get accidentally pregnant. I hope it’s not putting a cramp in your style.”
His eyes narrowed. “Why do you say that?”
I’d been trying to be light and friendly, but his tone suggested he didn’t take it like that. “I messed up and now you have an obligation—”
“Obligation?” His body tensed.
“Yes.”
“Is that how you see this baby?”
I swallowed feeling like he and I were having two different conversations.
“No.” I was scared shitless about having a baby, and at the same time, since I’d had a few weeks to let the idea settle, I was happy about it. I’d been alone for so long and now I’d have someone to care for and to love that would love me back. This baby somehow made me feel tethered to the world. Like I wasn’t a single oared boat drifting in a vast ocean.
He looked at his watch.
“Do you have a date?” I asked.
“Jesus, Trina why do you do that?”
I stared at him, not sure what he was talking about. “Do what?”
“Assume the worst of me.”
I shook my head. “I’m not assuming the worst. You checked your watch which made me think you had somewhere to be.”
“I fucked you on your table an hour ago and you think I have a date tonight?”
I hadn’t really thought it through. I could only shrug.
He shook his head. “I checked my watch to see how late it is because I want to bring you over to my place.”
“Ryder, that’s not a good idea.”
“Me. I’m not a good idea. That’s what you’re saying right? Because I’m not organized, don’t have a 401(k), and my plates don’t match, I’m not worthy of you. That’s what you mean.”
“This isn’t a game, Ryder. Those things are important. Children need routine. They need stability.”
“And I don’t offer that? That’s what you’re saying? What else is wrong with me?”
“There’s nothing wrong with you.”
He crossed his arms over his chest. “And yet, I can’t get you to come to my house.”
“You and I…we’re too different.” My
