Rosalie, my darling wife, it is certain that we will find a way back to the way it was, believe me. And then it will be much more beautiful for us. 1 will receive the Nobel Prize and make constant television appearances. Utter strangers will congratulate me on the street, and patients will show their gratitude. Thank you, Professor Preterius, thank you, thank you for CLAUDANDUS, this glue that has saved each and every one of our lives. Even the animals will thank me. Thank you, Professor Preterius, you slit us open and then you glued us back together. For this we are most grateful to you. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
November
Dear Claudandus, come, be my guest,
Show me what you have under your breast.
Gaping wounds, festering abscess,
Sitting you open is effortless.
Still I’d like to know, merry Sir,
What is the secret under your fur?
Professor Julius Preterius
The discoverer of CLAUDANDUS, the revolutionary glue for
tissue adhesion
Awarded the Nobel Prize for biology in 1981
incredibilis vis ingenii
Black, Black December
It doesn't stick together! It will never stick together!
Even the spirits, the transparent, glowing creatures that buzz around me during my many operations call these words out to me incessantly. Go away! Beat it, you bastards! I cry out, yet they circle again and again around the operating table, laughing at me with their whining voices. They dwell, too, within the mixture, and this is why it remains ineffective. However, I will steadfastly continue to experiment and not allow myself to be stopped by anything or anybody.
Since I have become too weak to go out at night to capture new experimental animals, I am now completely dependent on what I breed. But that works out splendidly. I have a dream of a unique race, a race that has never existed before. A super race! An ingeniously simple solution, breathtaking in its originality! Is Claudandus still capable of producing offspring?
Year of Our Lord, Anno 1980
Hacked-up intestines, gouged-out eyes, chopped-off tails!
Professor, can a head that has been cleanly cut off be rejoined to the trunk?
We'll give it a try, dear students.
Is it possible to cement a sawed-off paw back to the stump so that the poor creature will not have to hobble later, Professor Preterius?
We'll give it a try, honored members of the Nobel Prize committee.
Professor, do you believe that your mixture could glue together an animal that has been injured in a head-on collision, one, say, that was staged?
I haven't the faintest idea, my dear television audience. But we'll give it a try.
Away with you, you phantoms! Leave me in peace, you devils! I didn't mean to do anything wrong!
He spoke today! Yes, Claudandus spoke with me. Fascinating, isn't it? An animal that can talk. And this is my discovery! I will surely receive the Nobel Prize for this.
But what did he say? What could it have been? I can no longer remember. He spoke so softly and seriously, somehow sternly. That animal has no sense of humor whatsoever. Didn't he say that I should let him out of the cage and prepare to fight him? Is that what he said?
Oh, everything is swimming before my eyes. The lab is gradually dissolving into rosy little clouds. I must save Claudandus!
7
"What you've put on record, Professor, is extremely impressive, but just what does this slasher movie have to do with those brothers and sisters of mine who have woken up recently with a wound in their necks of such awesome size that even your miracle glue couldn't have saved them?"
"But it's quite elementary, my dear Francis. As you may remember, in the remaining months of my memorable stay at the laboratory, I applied myself intensively to perfecting your species. In that time I succeeded in breeding a mysterious 'super race,' only its hunting instincts got a little mixed up. Right now the offspring of that breed are prowling around your neighborhood, and at regular intervals, unbalanced as they are, they snap at every neck that presents itself to them. What do you think? A terribly exciting solution, isn't it?"
"Professor, what you've just said is nonsense! You really do seem to like hackneyed horror films, as could so well be observed in the failure of your research project. I find your 'super race' theory simply ridiculous. First, a very long period of time and many generations of animals are required to breed a special, not to mention extraordinary, breed. But the one resource you had the least of was time. Second, your journal hinted at your wish to breed an omnipotent species, not a murderous race. Third, breeding a race of killers (assuming in fact that such a race was created) quite obviously ended when the laboratory was shut down and the animals set free. So keep your fairy tales to yourself, and come to us with facts."
"Okay, I lied a little. But now I'm finally going to tell you the truth. So prick up your furry little ears and pay attention: I confess! I'm the murderer! As you know, the horrifying events at the end of 1980 were only very vaguely referred to in my journal. And that does
