“Nae at first. She thought he’d been led astray from his natural urges and, given the experience he had, that he wouldnae repeat the act. But it… changed something in him. He spent several years—I dinnae ken… three or four, maybe?—drinking and whoring himself out. He let all manner of man use him. Hurt him.”
Isnae it supposed to hurt?
His lover’s words rang through Darshan’s thoughts, spoken what seemed like a lifetime ago. He had believed that to be the query of an inexperienced man. Now? “He was punishing himself,” Darshan murmured.
Hamish might not have spent all his life being explicitly told what he felt was wrong, but if his mother’s reaction to that kiss was normal… to be expected to play a certain role, having disappointment after disappointment heaped upon him when he gave into his desires… then the man certainly hadn’t learnt it was right. He believed sex between men had to mean pain, yet he kept seeking out men he must’ve known wouldn’t be gentle with him.
The very idea churned Darshan’s stomach.
“That’s possible. You ken, I’ve nae seen him smile so openly since we were wee lads. You’re responsible for that.” Clearing his throat, Gordon stepped closer. “And Muireall adored me brother like he was her own blood. She’d want the same thing I do. For him to be happy.” He clapped a hand on Darshan’s shoulder, squeezing. “So to answer your question on whether I’m certain about this? Aye, I am. I would even wager that, if me wife was still here, she would’ve thought of this far sooner.”
“What happened to her, if you do not mind my asking?”
Gordon shook his head, a bittersweet smile lifting one side of his face. “Muireall was such a stubborn woman, always ready to defend her people. Have you noticed what adorns me wee lass’ seat in the hall?”
Darshan nodded. The bearskin practically overflowed the little girl’s chair. It was a hideous thing, covered in scars.
“That bear killed her mother as well as me older daughter, Moire. They were travelling back from Muireall’s heart clan at the time, showing her parents their newest granddaughter. It was early spring and the monster was raiding nearby villages. She wouldnae have been me brave Muireall if she’d nae gone off to hunt the beast. First time she wasnae quick enough.”
“My most humble of apologies.”
Gordon offered him a small smile in acknowledgement. “Hamish saw to it that the bear didnae bother anyone again. Didnae tell anybody, of course, just rocked on up with that bear pelt for his niece. That has to be the last time Mum was ever proud of him.” Shaking himself, the man gave Darshan’s shoulder a brisk pat. “Now, about those.” Gordon pointed at the glasses still resting brazenly upon Darshan’s face. “How much do you see without them?”
“Very little, unfortunately.” He had already resigned himself to the fact he’d be competing practically blind. There was no other choice. With his glasses on, he would be singled out immediately.
Cautiously lifting the scarf away from his ears, he slid the glasses free.
The world merged into wobbly impressions, the details of his own reflection all but impossible to pick out beyond the suggestion of a figure in drab colours. How difficult could the trials be? Extremely. He returned his glasses to their proper place. “I am unsure how well I will fair without them.”
“You’re going to have to try. If it’s any help, me brother loves you.” Gordon coughed loudly and added, “So if you’re going to compete, it better not be you having a lark or you’ll have me to answer to.”
Darshan peered at the man’s reflection. Gordon didn’t appear to be jesting. “He… does?” Whilst he had hoped their affections for each other might grow to such heights, he certainly hadn’t expected those feelings to be instantaneous. Maybe after a few months or years. Not now.
Gods. This was just like that cautionary tale his Nanny Daama so liked to tell, The Winter Fox and the Red-breasted Weaver. Hopefully, the outcome of this contest would be far happier than the one the two doomed mythological lovers went through.
Gordon frowned. “Did you nae hear the part where I threatened you?”
“Yes, yes, and you did so wonderfully. Honestly, this whole pulling together as a family really warms the heart. My sisters would have double-crossed me twice by now.” Except for his twin, but she had different reasons to see he kept living. “They most certainly would have attempted to gain something from it. Probably my death. They are quite keen on that.”
“And you want to drag me brother into that mess?”
“He will be safe as long as I keep breathing and I really have no plans to stop doing so anytime soon. Did you mean actual love?” His chest ached for the truth. He hadn’t had much of a chance for quiet introspection on such a level but… the feeling resonated in him. So much stronger than any he’d had for any other man.
This would’ve been so much easier back home. I would’ve— What? Carried on this physical relationship unaware he had also delved into an emotional one? That his romantic affections for Hamish had grown alongside his carnal desires?
Was that what he felt for Hamish? Yes.
When, in the Highest One’s good name, had he fallen for the man? How long? Somewhere during the journey back.
No. Earlier. On the cliff edge, with Hamish’s silken voice purring in Darshan’s ears whilst the sunset turned his lover’s skin the colour of polished statues and his hair a dazzling ruby hue. And his eyes. The perfect shade of home, but warm and rich. And focused only on Darshan.
Shit.
I have to tell him. How could he not? And it was mutual. Wasn’t it?
“Actual love?” Gordon echoed. “You mean the cow eyes and fairy dust feelings? Aye. He declared it not long after you arrived.”
Not the same at all. Such a revelation did nothing to ease the tightness of his chest. “You
