It is worth the theatrics when Jan afterwards sits down to pore over the comic books, turning page after page, or when he totes the books around as prized possessions.
I imagine it is this love for the theatrical that makes Jan a devotee of Cantonese and Teochew opera videos, what with the clashing and clanging of cymbals and drums, dramatic string music, stirring singing, glittering costumes and larger-than-life characters.
He first began watching them at home with my father, and still watches them today. If my mother and I happen to join in, my father would translate the story for us non-dialect speakers. I used to have trouble appreciating Chinese opera, and was only moved to take a look when my brother showed such great fascination.
It was blatant sibling rivalry, of course. I had not wanted to end up the uncultured offspring.
The 14th Step
There is an idea that special needs children need not be disciplined. While this is not always true, the rod is frowned upon with great wagging eyebrows.
The doctors greatly disapprove of corporal punishment for special needs children. It offers no solutions and may even make things worse. Personally, I think the notion of hitting children should be locked up in a special mental cell and the keys thrown away.
In the case of professionals who work with children, we literally do not lay one finger upon the child when meting out punishment. Violence begets violence. What is the point of fretting about the violence children watch on television when grown-ups around them are themselves being violent?
Jan, for instance, can get out of line when he gets his way too much. In fact he can be positively infuriating. However, he listens to reason. If we get angry, he gets angrier and we get nowhere.
We have found that Calm Reasoning is the best way to make him understand that there is no need to get upset. We let him know the reason we do or do not want him to do something. When Jan misbehaves, Calm Reasoning shows him that we do not disapprove of him, but rather, we take issue with what he has done.
When we take the time to reason with him, he is more likely to obey rules or instructions. When we raise our voices, well, he simply rebels.
Jan had once gotten so fed up with getting scolded that whenever he heard the word “naughty”, he would cover his ears and start acting up. He still is particularly sensitive about this word, so it has become taboo in the house.
I have heard first-hand accounts about special needs individuals getting locked up in police cells because they could not produce their identification on the street, or for other problems they ran into in public. Some of the families involved had been uneducated and had not known what to do or whom to turn to. They could only look on helplessly.
This is partly the reason why, having had my own education upset before, I am bent on continuing it. I learn to read and write and speak, so that my voice can be heard. It is for those children and their families, and it is for Jan.
The 15th Step
Having autism in the family does not quite mean we are the centre of attention, with relatives cooing over and coddling Jan.
They did fuss over him for about three years, I suppose, before their infatuation ceased. Jan was an astonishingly round infant and a very charming toddler. One of his endearing traits was that for all the straight hair on his head, there had been an uneven row of fluffy curls at the nape of his little head. This became his heralding feature, and nearly everyone he met simply had to poke or tickle him.
Families are funny things. Some families stay together as if bonded with clotted glue. They hoist each other over tall fences, reach down to pull one another out of pits and snares, share the last biscuit amongst themselves. (Those tales are always nice to hear.)
Others see their kin fall into a pit, with a hungry snake close by watching in glee, and they instantly hurtle in the opposite direction as fast as they can.
‘Help!’ shouts the fallen brother.
‘The snake will eat him too quickly,’ the others say to one another. ‘We must run faster.’
And so they do.
Perhaps one cannot blame them too much. Getting gobbled up by a hungry snake can be a scary thing.
It was too difficult to try and be a part of Jan’s life. Aunts and uncles, great-aunts and great-uncles, cousins and other kinsfolk – they left. Of our grandparents, Jan and I have only one surviving grandfather. He has something of a radical personality, and Jan does not quite agree with his digestion. It is no surprise as many things do not agree with his digestion, like yoghurt.
It is a pity. From what one hears of my late grandmothers, they would have figured out a way to be a big part of Jan’s plans and ours.
As for our living relations, they found that Jan’s path was not really where they wanted to venture. They had other roads to walk. My parents and I are too busy chasing Jan down his to pursue them. So we part like travellers at crossroads on the highway, holding our cloth-bags over our shoulders and bidding one another ‘fare thee well’. One or two chose paths that cross ours more frequently. As for the others, our roads do not cross at all. Occasionally, we hear news of them through passing minstrels.
One beloved aunt who had loved Jan like her own is no longer with us. We have now only one uncle and his wife who, with their three small children, have chosen
