No.
I must have forgotten.
No. You didn’t. You were afraid of her.
My memories of those days at the beginning of the year were thrown-together dinners on our laps in front of the television, stunted conversation, Edie trailing me like a shadow. That was in the days after she’d taken a bite out of Amanda Litton’s ear – another time when she’d been provoked, Edie had said. Amanda had pushed and pushed until Edie had reacted. Any of us would. I felt like saying as much to Tony Marston now, his clear, hooded eyes watching me carefully. She was easily provoked, I’d say, people just didn’t understand.
It’s not me. I’m not a bad mother.
‘So you had no inkling of any of this, Samantha? You never saw this kind of behaviour at home, she never mentioned it to you, not even in passing?’
I’d catch her standing quietly behind me in the kitchen or on the stairs, silent and lethal as a shark. She’d laugh when I’d jump, one hand fluttering to my chest. Her eyes round and gleaming. A coiled snake in the shadows. I used to think she liked the look of fear on my face, but then I would remind myself that this was my daughter we were talking about. Don’t be silly, Samantha.
Tell him.
‘No, nothing at all.’
‘You don’t remember the school contacting you? The messages they left? You never saw the letters?’
My hand lifted and started to rub at my temple. My face creased in concentration. ‘Uh, maybe? There might have been a letter. I don’t know, I’ve been so busy—’
He sighs. ‘Okay, I see.’
‘Anyway,’ I told Tony firmly, ‘what’s her behaviour at school got to do with the fact that my daughter hasn’t come home?’
‘It fits a narrative.’
‘What?’
He shrugged, flicked his ash into a saucer already littered with butts. ‘Troubled teen runaway.’
‘Listen, Tony. I know she’s done this before once or twice, but she always came back within twenty-four hours. She hasn’t even picked up the phone to call me! You don’t think that’s worrying? You don’t think that’s worth looking into?’
‘What are you suggesting, Sam?’
He had his notebook out, scribbling things while I’d been talking. Now he stopped, pencil poised over the page. It was little more than a stub in his thick, blunt fingers. He looked up at me.
‘I don’t – I just – I don’t think you’re taking it seriously!’
‘I can assure you we—’
‘So why is it just you? Where’s the team of officers out looking for her? Where’s the helicopter and the dogs and the newsflashes? She’s fifteen years old, she’s got no money! What have you been doing this last week? Huh? Fuck!’
I swiped angrily at my eyes. There were tears there but they were hot and bitter, acidic.
Tony laid his pencil gently down beside his notebook. ‘Sam, I’ve spoken to her teachers, her friends at school. The last people to see her – these girls, the ones you mentioned – said she’d been acting strangely the last couple of weeks. On edge. Crying. Flying off the handle.’
‘Huh. You’ve just described an average teenage girl, for God’s sake.’
‘They all watched her walk into the copse of trees at the back of the churchyard. No one saw her come back out. What does that tell you?’
I shook my head.
‘It’s a deliberate act,’ he said, rubbing his temple with his forefinger. ‘Maybe not carefully planned, but what is when you’re fifteen? She walked away and climbed over the wall, maybe, or snuck out through the side gate there.’
‘That gate’s always locked.’
‘Well, the caretaker claims the keys went missing from his office back in June. He’s reported several break-ins. Last one was the tenth of October.’
‘You think Edie stole his keys?’ I laughed, disbelievingly. Ha! ‘You make out like she’s some sort of demon.’
Tony finished his tea and nodded towards me. ‘You want to put that down?’
I looked at my hand and saw I was holding a knife. Small, about the size of a palm. I was gripping it so hard the beds of my fingernails were white.
‘What, you – you think I’m threatening you?’ I laughed, letting the knife fall to the table. I hadn’t even realised I’d picked it up.
He smiled without humour. ‘You mind if I take another look in her bedroom?’
‘They’ve already been up there.’
‘Just – would you mind? A quick look around?’
‘What are you looking for?’
‘Something that might help us.’
‘Is this about what the caretaker said? About a break-in? Tony?’
‘Partly. It would certainly help us to know if Edie was responsible.’
He stood and so did I, too fast. The blood rushed in my ears, making me feel dizzy. ‘You’ll need a warrant.’
Unsmiling now, he looked at me levelly. ‘And I’ll get one, if that’s how you want to do it. But Samantha, you could just let me and go and have a poke around now, and we’ll get back to the business of finding your daughter all the quicker. Won’t we?’
He left the room and I followed, calling after him up the stairs, aware that my voice was shrill and trembling. ‘I know what you’re looking for! And you won’t find it! She isn’t a thief! She’s just a little girl with a lot of problems! She’s my baby! Do you hear me, you old bastard?’
He didn’t even turn around. Just the sound of his footsteps and the stairs creaking under his weight. There was a sob in my throat so loud it was going to choke me. I was going to suffocate beneath the weight of it, beneath my love for her, beneath the fear. I covered my mouth with my hands, holding it back. I was suddenly reminded of a time I’d walked into my bedroom just out of the bath, skin still beaded with water, towel clutched about me, and Edie had been standing there alone in the dark, waiting for me. She’d stepped out from
