He thought about her words, and while they were what he’d been hoping to hear, he noticed how she’d opened with it all being about the kidney.
“I can’t,” he said. “Like I said, the kidney was no strings attached.”
That was what he had to focus on. The discussion had to be about her heart, not her kidney.
“What if this isn’t about strings?” Rachel asked. “When we left for Denver that morning, I had the intention of talking to you about making a relationship work. Only we fought before we could have that conversation, and I said some horrible things to you. I wish more than anything I could take them back.”
The pain in her voice was worse than how he’d felt after his operation. Still, he had to understand the motivation behind her feelings.
“Why? Because I gave you a kidney?”
Rachel shook her head. “No. It was the first thought I had upon waking up, before I knew I had gotten the kidney, before I knew you made it possible. I didn’t want to die with anger between us. The love I feel for you is stronger than any anger I had over you keeping things from me.”
Ty took a deep breath. He’d had a lot of the same thoughts when Rachel collapsed. But mostly, he’d thought of all the mistakes he’d made, and how he’d do just about anything to make it right.
“I had some of those same heart-to-heart discussions with God,” he said. “Yes, you were wrong for how you treated me, but I also didn’t do right by you in a lot of ways. I almost lost you. You were so close to dying, and I blame myself. It took me a long time to get on board with the kidney donation. Had I not been so selfish and afraid, you would’ve had a kidney weeks ago. But I’m just as stubborn and bullheaded as you are.”
He’d said the words to God about a hundred times, and in his head a thousand more. But he’d never said them out loud. Saying them now, to Rachel, it felt like he’d lost a whole other part of him he’d been carrying around for a long time and didn’t need.
Rachel leaned forward and took his hand. “Yes, but you always come around. You’re willing to see other perspectives, and you’re willing to learn from them. You’re willing to meet me halfway, and you’re willing to admit when you’re wrong. But you also stand up for what’s right, and I really love that about you.”
She loved him. For reasons that had nothing to do with getting a new kidney, or a sense of gratitude. Still, she had to know his part in all this.
“You almost died,” Ty said. “I know everyone is talking about how wonderful it is that you got your transplant and you’re going to be okay, but I was there when you collapsed. I know the feeling of helplessness at almost losing you.”
He hated the way his voice cracked. Maybe someday he could share this part of the story without almost crying. But he’d done it with Ricky, Janie and his parents, so he supposed it was only right that Rachel see his emotion, as well.
Rachel gave him an encouraging look. “But that’s just it. I did get my kidney in time. I did survive.”
“No thanks to me,” Ty said. “I’ve wasted so much time dragging my heels on things related to you, and it almost cost you your life.”
That was the part he was having a hard time getting over.
“So why are you dragging your heels now?” she asked. “You can keep fighting this, or you can acknowledge that there are real feelings between us, and stop looking at all the excuses we’ve both made and start asking how we can make this work.”
Which was exactly the place he knew he needed to get to. Where he’d thought he’d gotten to. But now facing it in front of Rachel meant also facing where he’d gone wrong.
“I’ve spent my whole life telling myself that I don’t need anyone, and then when Katie came along, I made my life all about her,” Rachel continued. “But being at the Double R, being with you, has made me realize I was a fool for thinking that. I don’t know how I did it on my own for so long, but now that I’m part of this wonderful community, I never want to be on my own again. I want to be part of the community. I want to work through things, because that’s what happens in normal relationships.”
He wanted all those things, too, and as he heard the earnestness in Rachel’s voice, Ty realized just how much he had needed her to come into his life.
This was also about Ty being afraid of opening his heart and trusting. He put all the fear on Rachel, but the truth was, he was scared, too. And here was Rachel, offering him the chance to face his fears.
Not alone, but with an incredible woman by his side who would be willing to fight to make the relationship work.
“You’re right,” Ty said. “Doing everything on your own is a terrible way to live. I should know, because as you pointed out that day in the truck, I carry the weight of everything on my shoulders and I’m not good at sharing my burdens. But that’s not how God designed us to live.”
Another admission that made him realize just how desperately he needed Rachel in his life.
Rachel nodded. “Exactly how I feel. I once asked you to become Katie’s dad in the event I couldn’t be her mom. But now I’m asking you to join our family, not because I’m going to die, but because I’m going to live. And I can’t imagine living without you.”
Even though Ty knew he was probably going to hear some squawking from his mom at the sound of him lowering the recliner
