He nodded slowly, looking at Mary as though he understood what she needed to do. “Mary, I appreciate your heart in wanting to help. And we will do something for those women. But I need you to understand something about grace.”
Grace? What did grace have to do with any of this? They weren’t talking about God or salvation, but about women who’d been hurt because of her.
“Grace doesn’t have to be earned. When you sin, you don’t have to do something to make up for it. God’s love is boundless.”
The man made absolutely no sense. Mary stared at him, trying to understand why she was getting a lecture on something she’d known her whole life.
“I’ve seen how you react to things going wrong. You hold yourself far too responsible for everything bad that happens. Polly said that you even blame yourself for Rose’s predicament. She said that you promised to never leave your siblings alone and that you’d spend the rest of your life making up for this mistake.”
Mary’s eyes filled with tears. She had told Polly those things. But her friend shouldn’t have repeated it to Frank.
“You can’t make up for it. God doesn’t place such a large burden on our shoulders. We can’t control everything. Don’t you think that I felt guilty for allowing that man into our house? Of course I did. But I don’t need to spend the rest of my life serving some penance as a result.”
“You don’t understand!” The words burst out of Mary as a new flood of tears flowed down her cheeks. “This is all my fault. I knew Ben was a bad man. But I was afraid that the lies he threatened to tell about me would be believed and that I would get in trouble, so I said nothing. I refused to expose him because I feared my own exposure. Had I been open with my sister, with my family, with my friends, none of this would have happened.”
Her heart thudded in her chest, the weight of the enormity of her mistake nearly crushing her. So strong, the pain pinned her to her chair.
“So what?” Frank stared at her calmly. Too calm. “It did happen. Nothing you can do will change it. Nothing you do will make up for it, because you’ve put too much guilt upon yourself. Jesus has already forgiven you, so forgive yourself.”
Forgive herself? Did the pastor not understand how selfish she’d been?
“But I owe them.”
He knelt in front of her and spoke softly. “Mary. Look at me.”
She had no choice but to obey. Not because he was forceful, but because something tugged at her heart.
“When Christ died on the cross for your sins, He paid a debt that you can never repay. Grace is about not trying to pay Him back. If you accept Christ’s love, then you have to accept that you cannot spend the rest of your life atoning for your sins.”
The insides of Mary’s heart tore wide-open. If she couldn’t atone for her sins, how was she going to live with the guilt?
“He’s right, Mary,” Emma Jane said. “You have to let go if you’re going to be free. You taught me that by loving and accepting me even when I was completely unlovable. The expectations you have of yourself—they’re not what God wants of you.”
Mary closed her eyes and tried to shut out all of the voices accusing her of the many things she’d done so wrong. She understood what Emma Jane and Frank said, but it seemed so inconceivable against the weight of the lives that had been damaged because of her reticence. And yet...
Just a few weeks ago, Frank had spoken on the parable of the debtors. Mary had marveled at what it must have been like to have the enormity of forgiveness these men experienced. Could it be that as much as Mary said she believed, she’d never fully experienced the full freedom of the forgiveness of God?
Lord, forgive me for I have sinned. I’ve been trying so hard to turn my faith into a checklist of the right and wrong things to do that I’ve forgotten Your love.
Mary turned to Frank and Emma Jane, and as she wiped the tears from her eyes, she realized that for the first time, she was truly free.
Chapter Twenty-Four
The air was getting thicker with smoke by the second. Will pulled the lapel of his coat over his mouth and nose, crouching low to the ground, where the smoke wasn’t as thick. It occurred to him again that the fire couldn’t have started by the small lamps Rose and Mary had tossed. The explosion had sounded a lot like dynamite.
Will and Jasper reached the marshal, lifting the beam off him.
“Come on, we’ve got to get out of here,” Will said, tugging at the other man’s arm. “I have no idea what other explosives are in this place. It’s only a matter of time before the whole place goes up.”
The marshal coughed and put a handkerchief up to his face. “Then we’d better get the rest of these people out of here.”
Will nodded, looking around. Though most people had reached either the door or one of the windows, he could spot pockets of people trapped in the thick smoke. No one was going to die, not if he could help it.
Jasper pointed to a place where a group of women appeared huddled together. “I’m going to help them. There’s a window not too far away.”
Another beam crashed to the ground, trapping a group of people that had been trying for the back door.
Will didn’t wait to see what the marshal would do. He started for them, looking for something he could use as a tool to move the burning rubble. A discarded buffalo robe lay at his feet.
