Fortunately, Jasper rewarded her with a smile. “I guess we haven’t had much to laugh about. And I haven’t exactly warmed to your attempts at trying to ease the situation. Sometimes I feel selfish for enjoying life when a woman is dead because of me and I’ve yet to make it up to her.”
Back to sober Jasper. And yet, not. Because where he’d once shut her out, here he was opening up.
Could their relationship be turning a new corner as she’d hoped?
Emma Jane sat on her bed, pleased that at least Jasper had made himself comfortable on her chair.
“I don’t think she saved your life so you would feel guilty for living.” She gestured to the Bible she’d been reading. “I’ve been reading in John, where Jesus says that He’s come so people can have abundant life. I know it’s not an exact parallel, but Christ’s sacrifice was meant for us to be able to do good with our lives. Surely Mel dying for you was similar.”
Jasper stared at her for a moment, and Emma Jane felt silly for saying such things. Her mother and sister used to mock her for all of her “Bible nonsense,” and even her father told her it wasn’t seemly for a woman to be so familiar with Scriptures.
“I guess I hadn’t thought of it that way,” Jasper said slowly. “You used to say things like that in Sunday school, things that made me think. I’d forgotten until now.”
Emma Jane felt her face warm, just as it had when their Sunday school teacher had complimented her. The other girls in the class, however, had teased her mercilessly. On top of all of her other faults, she’d been too bold in showing off her knowledge.
“Why are you embarrassed?” Jasper looked at her with an intensity that made her feel even more unclothed than she already was. “You used to say such interesting things in Sunday school, then you stopped.”
Then, with a note of what sounded like regret, he said, “And then you stopped coming at all.”
“I was tired of being made fun of by the other girls.” The words came out almost as a whisper, and her chest burned as she said them.
“I’m sorry. I never noticed.”
He truly did sound as though he felt badly for not noticing. But no one noticed Emma Jane. Not unless they found something to tease her about. Except Jasper. He’d never teased her.
“It’s all right. I stopped going to most of the church functions and took to reading the Bible on my own. I know it’s not seemly for a woman to spend so much time reading the Bible, but sometimes it was all I had.”
“Why did you come to the church picnic?”
Back to their shared history and events that they both seemed like they wanted to forget but couldn’t.
“My mother made me. I didn’t want to go. I knew word of my father’s bad night at cards had gotten out. But my mother said it was our only hope.”
“Marrying me.” His voice came out raspy, like it hurt to say the words as much as it hurt Emma Jane to admit her shame.
“Yes.” And then, because she couldn’t help it, “I’m sorry. I never meant any of this to happen.”
Flora’s words at the church came back to her. “I heard some of the talk that’s gotten around about what happened. I want you to know...”
“Stop. Please.” He ran a hand over his face. “I thought I could do this. I thought I wanted to get through it, but...”
Jasper let out a long sigh. “I want to understand, Emma Jane. But there’s still so much of me that thinks about what was taken away from me, and it’s hard to let go. I need you to be patient with me.”
Her chest was so tight it almost hurt to breathe. How she managed to get out the words, she didn’t know. “Of course. I...”
The rest, she couldn’t say. Because as much as she knew that Jasper resented not having a lot of choices in life, the choices he did have were a far sight better than anything Emma Jane had ever had. He acted as though she’d wanted to marry him. Not that she’d wanted to marry anyone else, of course, but just like Jasper had said he’d wanted to choose his own wife, she’d wanted to find her own husband.
Granted, what she wanted was probably a lot more than what Jasper wanted for himself. But for Emma Jane, she wanted a husband who wanted her. Who didn’t marry her out of obligation. Who enjoyed spending time with her...and genuinely liked and loved her...
Didn’t he realize that, in their marriage, all of her hopes and dreams had been dashed, as well?
She swallowed the lump in her throat. “I didn’t mean for us to quarrel. Perhaps we can talk about something safe. Like what you’re reading in your Bible.”
Emma Jane forced a smile to her lips, hoping that, at least in this, they could find common ground.
Only, with the dark look that crossed Jasper’s face, she knew she’d missed the mark—again.
“I don’t read my Bible.”
She’d hoped, in marrying a man active in their church, that their faith would eventually bring them together. Apparently, even that hope was to be dashed.
“Why not?”
Jasper shrugged. “I learn plenty from Pastor Lassiter’s sermons. I know enough about God that I don’t need to keep studying. After all, I’ve been attending church since I was a child.”
Jasper might have grown up wealthy, but as Emma Jane recalled his mother’s words earlier about giving money to the church in lieu of helping out, she wondered if he might have grown up poor indeed.
“But Pastor Lassiter talks about the importance of reading God’s Word.”
Jasper shrugged. “And he reads it to us every Sunday. Why should I do more?”
“Because it deepens your relationship with the Lord.”
He looked thoughtful for a
