“What do you want from me?” he asked, clearly frustrated.
“I want you to talk to me!” I cried, tears burning my eyes.
Narrowing his eyes, he stepped toward me. “I did! I told you that hopefully the email will get the administration to do something instead of letting you get set up. But that wasn’t good enough for you. You wanted me to know that nothing happened with him and when I commented on that, that wasn’t good enough. So, I asked a question only to find out you keep adding details you forgot to mention. I said okay. But that’s not good enough. So, what do you want from me?” he concluded gruffly.
“I-I don’t want you to look at me like you don’t trust me,” I stammered, my heart beating faster. “I want things to be like they were—I want my best friend!”
“So, if you want your best friend, why the hell does it matter if you went on a date with Aiden or if you fucked him in the basement?” He shook his head. “Look, I don’t need this right now. I need to work out.”
I shifted from one foot to the other as I watched him walk away. I went to the office and sat on the futon and waited. I didn’t know what to say, but his last words got under my skin.
I know what I want. Don’t I?
James was my best friend. I didn’t want to lose that. But I would be lying if I denied that there was something between us. Before we had sex, I didn’t get butterflies around him, so would it be reasonable to assume that the butterflies he’d been giving me were because the sex was good?
Do I like him, or do I just like what he did to my body?
When he left, we exchanged a cool goodbye and that was it. As soon as the door closed behind him, my eyes watered. I felt defeated. I wanted him to say something, but I didn’t know what exactly. If we talked things through, I would’ve felt better about things. I thought a conversation would help us get to the bottom of whatever was happening between us. I couldn’t put into words what exactly I wanted, but I knew I wanted more.
The more I thought about it, the more I felt like I was going to cry. Instead of dealing with my feelings and trying to figure out what I felt, I started reading Carter’s work again.
Again, I fell asleep on the futon.
Again, I woke up in the middle of the night with a bonnet protecting my hair and covered with a blanket I didn’t pull on myself.
I pulled it around my shoulders tighter. I felt warm and taken care of. I felt loved. My stomach flipped but fear kept me in place. Tears streamed down my face as I drifted back to sleep.
…
Chapter Thirteen
The dream woke me up with puffy eyes and a heavy heart. I couldn’t breathe, choking on the realizations that came to me in waves. It didn’t make sense, but at the same time it did. It felt right and wrong simultaneously. Everything felt off.
I pushed myself up into a seated position and let my head fall into my hands. I hated not talking to Jay. I hated that Carter was gone. I hated that my brain felt so overwhelmed and my emotions felt so chaotic.
My head hurt.
My heart hurt.
My back hurt.
Sleeping on the futon was a minor step up from sleeping on the floor. I needed Jay and I to get back on good terms so I could return to his bed. Not only was it comfortable, I missed sleeping next to him. I rubbed my lower back as I exited the office. Before brushing my teeth, before taking a shower, before I started my day, I needed to talk to Jay. I needed to get everything off my chest.
Maybe after we talk it out, we can carve out a new normal. Maybe we can—
“I’ll see you later,” Jay called out from behind me.
I spun around as he opened the front door. “Jay!”
He stopped, but he didn’t turn around. “What’s up?”
I lost my nerve and tugged at the bottom of my tank top. “Have a good day.”
“You, too.”
When he closed the door, I burst into tears.
After a long hot bath, I felt better. It was for the best that I didn’t talk to him before he left. I was fresh off a dream that spun me out. With time to think, I knew I needed to do what I’d been doing for a while—swallowing my feelings and focusing on what I could control. But my world was in disarray and I felt lost.
I wiped my eyes, rolled my shoulders back, and went to class.
It’s going to be a long day.
My first class flew by. Everyone was so focused on the exam overview and preparation the adjunct professor launched into the minute class started, I forgot about everything else. It wasn’t until my stomach growled that I realized that I hadn’t eaten all day. I didn’t have time to grab anything between classes, but I wished I had. My hunger was the only thing on my mind as I walked into my last class of the day.
And then boom—the weight of being called out in that email came hurling back at me.
All eyes
