I laughed right along with him.
In that moment, I realized there was no awkwardness, no tension, no nerves. But even in the most fun-loving and normal exchange we’d had in days, I still felt something deeper. I wasn’t sure if I’d always felt those feelings or if they were the new ones I’d been having recently.
Have I always had feelings for him?
As our laughter died off, we found ourselves just staring at one another. When my heart thumped in my chest, I knew I needed to tell him how I felt. He was the first to break eye contact as he rose to his feet.
I jumped from my chair. “We’re going to have to talk about us at some point, Jay.”
“What is there to say? We fucked. It was good. You said you wanted your best friend back. I never left.”
“There’s so much more to it than that and you know it! We can’t unring a bell.”
He made a face and started walking out of the room. “Well maybe we shouldn’t have rung that shit to begin with.”
Shocked and open-mouthed, I followed him. “Is that how you feel?”
He didn’t respond.
I was on his heels. “Jay?”
“The problem is that you don’t know what you want,” he muttered.
“I do!”
He whipped around, catching me by surprise. “Then what do you want? Complete honesty.”
My answer scared me. The intensity of his glare only added to the pressure and I stammered, “I-I want… Well, first, I want you to sit down and talk to me.”
“Exactly.” He shook his head and went into the bathroom “I should’ve known better, but it is what it is.”
I stood in the doorway. “What are you talking about?”
He had his back to me, but I could see the tension in his shoulders. He grabbed a towel and washcloth before facing me. I couldn’t tell if he was angry or hurt as his eyes zeroed in on mine.
“What are you talking about? Why should you have known better?” I questioned with a shaky voice. I braced myself for the hurtful words I felt were coming.
“Cut the shit, Brooklyn. You’ve known how I’ve felt about you. Everyone knew. But we were just friends, so I played my fucking position.”
My lips parted. His words rendered me speechless. I was in a state of complete disbelief as he continued his rant.
“So, I should’ve known better when you were grinding on my dick on Saturday morning and then talking about you don’t want to lose your best friend. And then on Sunday you found out that Aiden Black was just like the other PROs and he was out for himself,” he growled. “The timing is funny. But maybe you were just out for yourself, too. You had a falling out with him, so you came here ready to fuck me to feel better.” He took a second to look at my stunned face. “Like I said, you didn’t want to hear what I had to say.”
He closed the door before I had a chance to respond.
I just stood in the hallway, staring at the door in shock. Tears pricked my eyes when I heard the shower turn on. I spun on my heel and stomped into the office. I was incredibly upset. I was angry and hurt. But the feeling that dominated was guilt.
Was he right?
I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was some truth to what Jay had said. Jay and I had a flirtatious relationship, but we never talked about feelings. Going to bed and waking up with him brought something to the forefront. But I didn’t know he had feelings for me because I didn’t even know I had feelings for him. I knew that we had something special, but I tried not to think about it too hard because I was scared of what it would reveal.
He was there for me when I needed him—like always. On the other hand, he took care of me in a way he’d never had to before. Even before we’d had sex, he touched me in a way he’d never touched me before. It was tender and loving and somewhere along the line, my feelings evolved or revealed themselves—one or the other. But the thought that maybe he was right in assuming that I only was ready for more after what happened with Aiden ate at me.
Jay was being insecure because of how he found out what happened in the basement… and then the flowers… and then Gino’s… and then the diner. Okay… yikes!
Admittedly, I could see where he would feel like there was something between me and Aiden. But whatever had brewed between me and Jay had been brewing forever. He, of all people, knew I didn’t have sex with people I didn’t have real feelings for.
I spotted Carter’s leather-bound notebook and froze. “Wait, one goddamn minute,” I muttered.
Even Carter knew that something was between us prior to anything that happened over the last couple of weeks. And as far as my sexual attraction to him, I’d acknowledged that before even talking to Aiden!
I ended up masturbating to Jay and then wanted him all weekend! I removed my jeans. And he knows that!
In just a tank top and my panties, I grabbed the notebook and marched across the hall and opened the bathroom door. The curtain was closed so I couldn’t see him, but he knew I was there.
“What are you doing?” he called from the shower.
I flipped to “My Third Eye Love You” and I was about to read it but hesitated. I didn’t need someone else’s words. I needed my own.
I put the notebook on the sink. “You have some nerve,” I started, my voice came out
