My fingers moved faster and faster. I dug my heels into the mattress and swallowed, trying to get moisture back in my mouth.
Guilt poked at my pleasure that I was fantasizing about Daniel as I played with myself, but then I remembered his deep groan that had rumbled from his chest. I remembered the way his eyes watched between my legs, only sliding closed at the last minute before his cum shot out. He hadn’t even cared that it landed on his shirt and neck, he’d been so lost in his pleasure.
And just like that, I fell. Waves of ecstasy spread from my core over my body, bringing my skin to life. My lips fell open, freeing moans of pleasure I hadn’t even known I was capable of.
My chest heaved as I slowly pulled my fingers from between my legs. My moans changed to giddy laughter that bubbled out.
I’d come.
I’d made myself come.
I orgasmed and hadn’t got lost in a nightmare.
More laughter of joy that had tears slipping down my temples.
Guilt lingered that I’d thought of Daniel, but I was too happy to give it any merit.
Besides, we were friends. This was what we wanted. I couldn’t help but think he wouldn’t care. He’d probably be happy for me.
12
Hanna
Walking into the lunchroom, my steps faltered when I came face-to-face with Sean’s broad back. Before I could backtrack, he turned, catching me frozen in the doorway. “Hey, Hanna.”
“Hey, Sean,” I said lamely, forcing my feet to move deeper into the room.
“Grabbing a late lunch?”
“Yeah. A meeting ran long.” I rolled my eyes and grabbed my yogurt out of the fridge.
“Hate when that happens.”
He leaned his back against the counter and crossed his feet at the ankles, cradling a container of watermelon. An awkward silence filled the room and pressed on me, urging me to say anything.
“Oh, watermelon. I love watermelon.” I think I smiled. I couldn’t tell when my inner self was cringing hard. To make matters worse, I continued. “You know, the great thing about math if you love watermelons is that it’s the only place you can buy forty-nine watermelons, and no one wonders why.”
Sean’s eyes warmed, and his lips stretched into a smile, but the more I talked about watermelons, the more the crease between his brows grew. His confusion, rather than making me stop, only pushed me to explain.
“You know because math problems in school…they always had truckloads of watermelons.”
“Yeah.” He nodded, smiling harder. “I get it.”
At no point did he ever look like he was laughing at me. I hoped he found my awkward math jokes charming and endearing. He definitely didn’t appear to be judging me, but maybe he was just really good at hiding his reactions because despite having got the joke, he still didn’t respond, and the silence stretched on again.
“Sorry,” I apologized. “Not all math puns are bad. Just sum. Like s-u-m.”
This time, he laughed, and it was nice—deep, a little gruff, maybe sexy? Thankfully, I was saved from analyzing anymore when his friend from the party walked in.
“It’s freaking freezing down here. So much warmer upstairs with R and D.”
“You should try standing in a corner.” Adam turned to me like he hadn’t even noticed I was there, confusion marring his face. “Because it’s always ninety degrees,” I explained.
“What?” he asked, thoroughly confused.
This time I did cringe outwardly. He looked to Sean for help in explaining the crazy girl before him, and I turned, not wanting to see his reaction. I didn’t want to hear it either.
“Nothing,” I rushed out. “I got to go.”
I didn’t look back and did my best not to run to hide behind my office door. But I definitely did a thorough speed walk. I shut my door and fell into my seat, letting my head fall forward on my desk. I repeated the head bang a few more times for good measure.
“Idiot,” I muttered.
Seeing my phone from the corner of my eye, an idea came to mind. Not overthinking it, I quickly pulled up Daniel’s name.
Me: Can you teach me how to flirt?
The three dots popped up immediately, and I held my breath waiting for his response.
Daniel: What?
Me: Flirting. I want to learn.
Daniel: Why?
Me: Because I’m awkward and what’s the point of learning to accept sex if I scare guys away with math puns.
Daniel: Math puns?
Me: Shut up.
Daniel: I like your math puns.
Daniel: SUM of them are funny … ;)
Me: You can’t see, but I’m glaring.
Daniel: Meet me at Voy tonight.
Feeling marginally better, I set my phone aside and spun my chair around, smile firmly locked in place.
I was excited to learn how to flirt.
I was excited to see Daniel again.
But mostly excited about flirting.
I hadn’t seen him since last weekend when he’d…when he’d touched me.
Flashes of the night, the heat, the feel, the images, his penis bombarded me like they had every day this week.
Embarrassment about the sounds I’d made, of the things I requested lingered, but it wasn’t enough to wash out the happiness. My cheeks cramped from smiling so hard when I recalled my orgasm.
I’d orgasmed.
And then I’d orgasmed again on my own.
Did someone get to feel pride in that? Because I sure as hell did.
And I didn’t regret it. I felt pride in that too.
All because of Daniel.
When he’d first suggested the contact therapy, my immediate reaction had been to say no. But I trusted Daniel, and I heard him out, and in the end, what was the harm in trying. The more years that passed, the more desperate I became to not be broken anymore.
Licking my dry lips, I remembered his rough fingers between my thighs, not too obtrusive, but there. I remembered his lips sucking at
