“I am,” she responds, getting to her feet. Then she swivels back to face me. “Good luck,” she says simply.
“Same to you.”
With a smile and a nod, she links her arm with the man’s and strides off.
I stay seated, waiting for the crowd to thin a little before I get up and amble to the edge of the north pool, where I know his name is engraved for eternity. I run my fingers along his name.
Then I lift my face into the sun and spread my arms, embracing the warmth it radiates.
The taste of freedom fills my senses and I feel a smile form on my lips.
When I take a last deep breath, before finally taking stock of my surroundings, I notice a handful of people trying not to stare. I turn a kind smile on them and navigate my way through the passage between the pools, to get to the other side, where I can grab a cab.
Someone in front of me suddenly steps aside and I almost run right into a man coming in the opposite direction. Strong hands grab me by the shoulders when I stumble and I lift my gaze up.
I notice his pale blue eyes first. They’re focused on mine, studying me with a deep frown between them.
“Sorry,” he mumbles, his voice rough.
“My fault, I wasn’t paying attention,” I quickly respond, taking a step back.
I can’t help taking in all that is him. From the gray hair sticking up like he’s just run his hand through it to the firm mouth framed by a short, somewhat unkempt gray beard. A black leather jacket covers a white T-shirt over a pair of worn jeans.
I realize I’m ogling him, but he appears to be doing the same to me. I don’t look nearly as appealing as he does. Comfort was the name of my game this morning getting ready, so my hair is air-dried, I’m without makeup, and I’m wearing slouchy camo pants, white tennis shoes, and a white, long-sleeved shirt covered with my red, down vest.
I didn’t expect to be scrutinized the way this man is doing in this awkward standoff.
“I’m—” I start, but before I can lift my hand to introduce myself, he suddenly darts around me.
I pivot just to see him stalking off, ducking between bodies before he disappears into the crowd.
Weird.
Chapter Three
Gray
I’m not sure what first drew my eyes to her.
My fingers had just found the name I’d been looking for and traced them letter by letter, until I could feel my hardened heart crack and bleed all over what is left of my sister. The fist around my chest so tight I didn’t think I could ever find my next breath. The somber atmosphere, the air heavy with grief, the drawn faces around me…and her.
With her head thrown back she appeared to be worshiping the sun, her pose almost sacrilegious. In contrast to those around her, this woman looked unburdened.
My feet started moving on their own accord, until I literally ran into her.
I shake my head, clearing the memories of earlier today. For those few moments I forgot who I was. Idiot. I force myself not to scan the crowd for a glimpse of red, or that untamed mane of hair, and instead look up where two columns of light pierce the dark sky.
The chili dog I bought from a street vendor earlier is starting to burn a hole in my gut as I make my way back to the hotel. I’m wiped. Up at the crack of dawn this morning to get here, and overwhelmed by the crowds and the surprisingly raw emotions, this has been a long fucking day.
I spent hours in the museum this afternoon, touching the twisted columns of steel, staring at the original retaining wall holding back the Hudson River; my sister’s remains forever part of the landscape. I’m not a man of prayer, but I prayed for her there, sitting on a bench in the bowels of what once was the World Trade Center, feeling connected to her in a way that had the hair on my arms stand up.
Now I’m drained. I’ve done what I came here to do and still I know going home tomorrow those ghosts will be right there with me.
9/11 was a brutal catalyst for the dark path that followed.
“How may I help you?”
The young man behind the front desk smiles pleasantly when I walk up.
“The concierge has my bag. I arrived too early to check in.”
“Of course, your name, please?”
I give him my name and wait as he goes in search of my stuff, while I scan the luxurious lobby. Marble floors and columns, gleaming copper and shiny oak, and so far removed from what I know it’s not even funny. I can’t imagine sleeping a wink in what I’m sure will be a soft bed surrounded by this level of luxury.
I don’t belong here.
“Can you call me a taxi for Newark airport?” I ask the moment the hotel clerk appears with my bag.
He looks confused at my request.
“I’m afraid I don’t understand. Weren’t you checking in?”
“I changed my mind.”
“Sir, your room is nonrefundable at this point.”
Almost three hundred dollars for a room I never even set foot in and I don’t give a shit.
“I’m aware of that. It doesn’t matter, I have to go.”
All pretense abandoned, the guy looks at me with mild disgust as he picks up a phone. I listen to him order me a cab and nod my gratitude before walking outside to wait for my ride.
The airport is much quieter than when I arrived this morning. The United employee I spot behind the desk informs me I’m too early to check-in, so I make my way over to a coffee shop in the terminal, buy a bottle of water and look for a place to spend the night. It doesn’t take long
