“They’re worried about the training,” I said flatly. A pang of guilt pricked my conscience. Sanrin didn’t know about the convergence point, and I wasn’t sure I should tell him. That kind of knowledge was dangerous, and if the inquisitors found out I was spreading it around, they might decide to silence me. That was a chance I didn’t want to take.
“This whole project is experimental,” Sanrin said quietly. “And it was a significant investment. Everyone involved wants to keep it centralized and as controlled as possible.”
“They want to keep an eye on us. In case things go wrong.” Frustration welled up inside me. Those hollows deserved the same chances that I’d had. They deserved to be treated as people, not experiments.
“You need some rest,” Sanrin said. “Let us move you to Bogotá. You’ll get the best care possible, and our experts will find a cure for you.”
I was sure Sanrin believed that was true. The real truth, though, was that the best medical care possible might not be enough to save my core. If I left the School, that also meant leaving the hollows behind. The initiates would be confused and frightened. With no one to guide them, there was no telling what might happen to them.
If I did guide them, though, they might end up temporarily cured only to find their core tearing itself apart months or years later. That was terrible.
But it wasn’t as terrible as never having a chance to repair their core, even briefly. I didn’t want to go back to the time before I knew there was more to life than I’d ever imagined as a hollow. The new initiates deserved the same chance to make that choice that I’d had. I’d give them that chance to decide for themselves.
“I should go back to the School,” I said. “I can’t just disappear again.”
“That may not be the safest course of action,” Hirani advised. “If you have another episode, you’ll need treatment immediately to prevent further damage.”
The elders exchanged glances, then shrugged, one by one.
“I won’t force you to go to the hospital,” Sanrin said. “But you’re on a knife’s edge, Jace. Don’t try to fool yourself into thinking you can beat this on your own. You need our help, and we’re willing to do whatever it takes to get you back on your feet. Don’t reject our offer of help so hastily. Take the night to think about it.”
“Thank you, honored Elders.” I really was grateful for their help, even if they hadn’t been able to offer me a cure. At least now I knew what was happening. That was better than nothing. “I have much to consider. How can I let you know about my decision?”
“Hagar can reach out to us,” Sanrin said. “We look forward to hearing from you.”
To my surprise, Sanrin took my hand and squeezed my fingers. His eyes were filled with real concern, and he looked like he had something else to say. Instead, he patted the back of my hand, then stood and left the room. Brand followed him, pausing only to shoot me a thumbs-up before he closed the door.
“We’re all worried about you, Jace,” Hirani said. “I know it may not seem like we’re doing anything, but we’ve put our best people on this. We’re looking out for you, I swear.”
“I understand,” I said.
And I did. That didn’t keep me from feeling alone and confused, though. Brother Harlan seemed certain I was bound up in a big change in the Grand Design. Cruzal insisted I was the only one who could guide the new initiates down their paths.
My mother was still out there, too. The heretics were up to something, and I might be able to stop them.
It was all too much.
“Your clothes are in the closet,” Hirani said as she plucked the medallions from my chest. “I don’t think you’re in any danger of another attack if you don’t push yourself. Take it easy, Jace, until we know how to help you.”
The elder removed the adhesive pads attached to my head and coiled the wires connected to them into a neat bundle. She put them on top of a machine next to the bed and ruffled my hair with her delicate fingers. Her touch sent tingles racing across my scalp and eased the tension I’d carried in my shoulders.
“Thank you,” I said. “I mean it.”
“When you’re dressed, the door to the left of your bed will take you back to the upperclassman dorms,” she said. “It’s close to dinnertime. You can still get a decent meal if you hurry.”
The elder smiled at me, and for a moment I thought she had a tidbit of wisdom to offer in my time of need. Instead, she favored me with one of her dazzling smiles, then left me alone to get dressed.
The Decision
MY LEGS WERE STILL a bit wobbly, and it was a little hard to catch my breath when I made it back to the School. Fortunately, the dorm hall was empty, and by the time I reached the grand hallway I almost felt normal.
As long as normal meant staying very close to walls or railings I could grab onto if one of my legs decided to give out on me.
“Hey, champ,” Hagar called out when I reached the bottom of the stairs. She’d been leaning against the wall next to the dining hall’s entrance and pushed off to head in my direction. “I heard you might need a little help getting around.”
“That depends,” I said. “Are you here as my friend or my handler?”
She stopped a few feet away from me and crossed her arms over her chest.
“That wasn’t very nice,” she said. “And the two things aren’t mutually exclusive. If it makes you feel better, though, I’m here as your friend. I’m worried about you.”
“Thanks.” I felt terrible for accusing Hagar of putting the clan’s interests above mine. It had been more
