The clang of footsteps on the ladder below me was an unwelcome announcement company was coming for a visit. I could guess who it was and what she wanted from me, and the necessity of it made me tired down to my bones. It was getting harder and harder to frame answers in a way that didn’t come out sounding like I was blowing her off every night. I didn’t care about building a new empire when I was sitting in the smoking ashes of the old one.
That whole range of emotion had been erased from my hard drive, and I wasn’t sure how to reboot or if I even wanted to, honestly.
“Can we do this another time?” I was awful for treating her like a virulent plague to avoid at all costs, but I was fresh out of motivation. For pretty much everything. “I can pretend I listened to your spiel, and you can leave with a sense of accomplishment as you go about your night.”
“You don’t want to hear what I have to say?”
Every muscle in my body locked down tighter than Fort Knox. Had I moved, or even breathed, I might have broken bones. “I thought you were someone else.”
“Remy,” Midas guessed. “I’ve noticed you holding meetings out here.”
“The bathtub is too small for two people, and I’m guessing bathing with your employee is frowned upon in any case.” I kept watch on the horizon. That’s how I knew I hadn’t curled into a ball and started sobbing or crumpled into a boneless heap that sobbed or flung myself over the edge while sobbing. I was definitely picking up on a theme here, a wet one. “Are you here to tell me to stay off the fire escape?”
The first conversation we had alone happened up the alley, and it involved him warning me off using the fire escape as my own private entrance. How very circle of life that he was here again to issue the same warning in what might be our last.
“No.”
“Oh.”
The horizon didn’t budge, and I felt good about that. I was holding steady, and that was a relief.
“I have a problem.”
The response popped out of my mouth without consulting my brain. “I’ll help however I can.”
Damn it.
That was not what I meant to say. I was acting like a puppy who enjoyed being kicked so much I painted a bull’s-eye over my heart then gifted him with a pair of steel-toed boots.
“You’re not going to ask what the problem is first?”
“I owe you.” I sensed a slight tilt and corrected my posture. “What do you need?”
“You can look at me,” he said, a growl deepening his naturally raspy voice.
“I don’t have to see you to hear you.” I swallowed hard. “Say what you came to say.”
“You’re my mate, and I abandoned you.”
Mate?
Forget my best intentions, no force on earth could have stopped me from gawking at him in shock.
Mate?
“What I did was unforgiveable.” He sat on a step out of my reach. “I have no excuse.”
Except he didn’t need one. I got it. Without prompting. “You didn’t know who you mated.”
“I mated you.” Resolve firmed his mouth. “I love…you.”
The horizon was no longer in danger of tilting, but it blurred as I returned my chin to my hand. “No.”
“No? I don’t love you, or I don’t know who I mated?”
“Both.” I kicked my legs. “Most days I don’t know who I am. It’s hard keeping my past and my present straight. It was stupid to think a relationship could work with those kinds of barriers.”
“I went to Savannah.”
The twist in my gut made me nauseous. “Back to the scene of the crime.”
There was nothing about Amelie Pritchard he couldn’t unearth if he dug deep enough in Savannah soil. Except where she went after her debt to the Society was considered paid. But he already knew the end of my sad tale.
“I went to visit Lethe for a few days.”
That was almost worse. No. That was definitely worse. Lethe knew all there was to know about Amelie’s dark side, and what she didn’t remember, she could ask Grier. The trip would shine a light on all corners of my former life.
“Oh” seemed easiest, so I prepared to repeat it again and again until he left.
“I talked to Linus and Grier while I was there.”
“Ah.”
How’s that for variety?
“Do you know what I learned?”
“No.”
Tremble before the might of my vocabulary.
“I haven’t been honest with you about who I am either.”
“Okay?”
“I can’t hold your past against you without giving you the chance to do the same to me.”
Screwing up my courage, I put thought into words and hoped he would accept it and go.
“You don’t owe me anything. We didn’t make those promises to each other. We agreed to try, and we agreed to do it with blinders on. The secret idea was good, but we didn’t take it seriously. We weren’t ready to commit or able to commit or whatever it means when two people love each other but it’s not enough.”
“You love me.”
Frak. Frak. Frak.
I hadn’t meant to say that part out loud. Ever. It was the kind of thing that couldn’t be unheard.
“I can’t do this.” I squinted against the rising sun. “We’re just going to keep hurting each other.”
“Not if we agree to tell each other the truth.”
“You went to Savannah.” I laughed bitterly. “You know everything about me.”
“Grier loves you, and Linus admires you. Lethe envies you. Mom respects you. That’s what I know.”
The tears flowed over my cheeks and dripped off my chin. “What if they’re wrong?”
“Then it doesn’t matter.” He moved a step closer. “I love you.”
The strain in my throat made denials impossible, but I shook my head anyway.
“You’re my mate.” He claimed another step higher. “There’s no going back. Not for me.”
“The courtship is null and
