***
I tossed and turned. Since my old prescription didn’t seem to be working anymore, Mrs. Tupp and I discussed different options. I was started on a different antidepressant and it fixed my constant drowsiness but replaced it with insomnia. I was going to have to try something else. But that wouldn’t help me now. I knew it would be better to stay in bed and keep trying, or at least rest my eyes. But I threw my covers off anyway and started wandering around like I was some kind of specter in my own home. I wanted to keep moving.
I paced around in the dark hallways in near silence, the creak of older floorboards and my feet against the floor being the only sounds. My head snapped up when a door creaked open and footsteps padded over to me. It was hard to make out anything in the low light, but I could see the shape of Lydia slowly reach over and tap my wrist.
“Can’t sleep?” She didn’t move closer, just rubbed circles into my palm.
“I’m sorry for waking you.”
“No, I couldn’t sleep either,” she murmured.
“Any sleep remedies to share?” I asked. I always thought I could learn to handle anything, but I was slowly learning that Lydia seemed to know everything and could help me when I couldn’t.
“When I was younger, and I couldn’t sleep, all I wanted was to not be alone,” she said calmly. “Do you think that would help?”
I swallowed the lump building in my throat. “I think it might.”
I took hold of her hand and led her to my room. We both got into bed and laid on our sides facing each other.
“Do you want me to get closer? To touch you?” She asked.
I shook my head no. “Not yet.” I wasn’t ready for that. I didn’t know if I would ever be.
“If you need me, I’ll be right over here.” She didn’t turn away, simply closed her eyes. That seemed like a great idea, I closed my eyes as well and felt my exhaustion finally take over.
The next morning, she had stolen some of the blankets in her sleep, but she respected my space otherwise. After that, she asked me each night if I wanted her to come to bed with me. I almost always said yes. She was right. Even though I still couldn’t bring myself to touch her, knowing she was there calmed me. Like she would stop anything that could hurt me.
***
Days weren’t all bad, it was just hard to enjoy what was good. I knew Lydia was wanting me to get out of the house a bit more than I was. I only left for work and groceries.
“Today,” she said one Saturday over the quick oatmeal I had cooked that morning. “We should do that photoshoot.”
“Today?”
“Yeah. I actually have some suits ready that I want to model, and all my models won’t be in today. I wasn’t kidding when I said you’d look great in our suits.”
I wanted to pay Lydia back for everything she’d done for me. “Let’s do it.” But I was also a little interested. I loved hearing Lydia talk about her work, even before I knew how deep my feelings for her really were. She always got more confident, surer of herself when she talked about her work or went on about designers. It gave her a certain look in her eye that seemed to make her even more attractive.
We went to her offices after breakfast. They had the whole floor reserved in one of the skyscrapers in the main city. Besides us, there was one of her designers holed away in a room working on sewing something last minute. We basically had the whole place to ourselves.
“It’s usually much busier than this,” she said, smoothing out a jacket collar a mannequin had pinned to it. “During the two fashion weeks you will never see me.”
“I’ll just have to visit.” I looked at the designs pinned to the wall and notes after notes written out next to each.
“Here.” She surprised me by shoving an outfit into my arms. “Be incredibly careful with that.”
“You trust me with this?” I wasn’t sure I did.
“You won’t rip it. It won’t fit you exactly, I’ll have to pin it to see if it works. Don’t worry.”
“Where do I change?”
“We have a little curtain over there, for those who get shy. But most of the guys change in the middle of the room, you learn to get over that kind of thing.”
“When in Rome.” I began changing right there. I saw her eyes light up as I slipped my shirt up and over my head exposing the chest and stomach I had been working on. I was having trouble being intimate, but perhaps letting her see was a good compromise. When I slipped my pants off, I could tell she was hiding her obvious want behind a professional face.
I carefully put on her suit. It was a light pastel blue with a raised pattern that swept throughout the fabric.
“Is it okay if I get closer to put some pins in it?” She asked.
“Do what you need to.” If I needed her to stop, I knew she would listen to me.
I felt her touch ghost over my clothes. It wasn’t direct contact so I could handle it. But as she moved up and down my legs, bringing the fabric closer and closer to my legs, I felt the spark I’d been missing flare a little. I wished I could feel this way more.
She finally stood to admire her work, her eyes admiring me as well.
“Take a look.” She gestured to a floor length mirror. I moved in front of it and looked at her work. I still didn’t know much about fashion, but I knew the way she pinned it was fantastic. I had
