“Aren’t you the boss though?” I asked.
“There’s still the owner over me, chica,” she said, then sighed. “There’s always a boss over you.”
“Sure, but you work the night crew. Do you think they’re really up to check on you?”
“No, but I’m also very self-aware. And I’m also aware when my kid doesn’t want to sleep in her own room because she doesn’t want to be reminded of her friend.”
“So, you’re a psychologist now?” I asked.
“No, but someday, maybe.”
Mom was studying psychology in community college. She hoped one day to transfer to get a four-year degree, but right now it meant she was hardly ever home between school and work. Luckily, I was very self-reliant. I had been a latchkey kid for a long time, and so she could trust me to be home alone.
I scooted back on the couch and swung my legs off it. “I can’t, Mom. I can’t be reminded of her.”
“I know, sweetie,” she replied. “We both loved her, you know.”
I nodded. “I know you did. She was like a daughter to you.”
“She was a daughter to me, hija, just like you’re a daughter to Joanne. It’s never easy to lose a daughter, or a father, or a husband. That piece of your soul, it will never come back.”
“Does it get easier?” I asked. “I thought it would get easier after Daddy, but it’s just as hard. It’s always just as hard.”
“Some days will be easier than others. This day has been brutally hard, my love. But some days will be easy, and some days you will feel guilty about how easy it becomes, and it will make you spiral.”
“You are not a very good psychologist, Mom.”
“I’m only in my first year. Freud wasn’t Freud on day one.”
“No, not until he found cocaine. That’s when he became Freud.”
“All right, smartypants, we can all Wikipedia. That doesn’t make you smart.”
“No,” I replied. “The straight A’s make me smart.”
“That just makes you book smart, hija.” Mom pulled my head close to hers and kissed my forehead. “That doesn’t make you street smart, and that doesn’t make you heart smart, either.”
“Now you sound like a Lipitor commercial.”
“Just shut up and watch your show, okay?”
I snuggled into Mom’s stomach and turned to the TV. I listened to her heart beat against my ear, and it slowly lulled me off to sleep. How could I ever stop loving my mother? She knew exactly what I needed. I didn’t need compassion, or pity. I just needed somebody to be there, and act like everything was normal, even when nothing was, and nothing would ever be again.
Chapter 4
The first day back to school after Katie’s death was the worst. She hadn’t been at school most of the year, but the thought of seeing her when I got home kept me going every day. I didn’t have that spark of joy anymore, and now I was alone.
I didn’t have a lot of friends before I lost her but going back into that school just showed me how alone I truly was without Katie by my side. I had always fed off her glow, and she glowed so brightly it rubbed off on me. It made it seem like I glowed, too, especially in my darkest moments. There wasn’t any more glow. Just the creeping darkness.
As I walked to class, my eyes caught Rebecca Swinton chatting with the rest of Katie’s friends. Rebecca was the queen bee of school, and used to be Katie’s best friend, besides me, of course. When Katie got sick and she stopped coming to school, Rebecca stopped coming to see her before long. She didn’t come to Katie’s funeral, either. None of them did.
I was going to walk past her, just like I always did, but my stomach boiled over with the thought of her snubbing Katie’s funeral.
“It was a nice service,” I said, sneering at her as I passed.
“Excuse me?” Rebecca said.
“Katie’s funeral,” I replied, clenching my jaw. “I thought you should know, since you were such a good friend. So good a friend you couldn’t even show up.”
“Shut up, freak,” Rebecca said. “We sent flowers. I just…couldn’t go…okay?”
“I’m sure you had a busy schedule.” I turned away from her and walked down the hall. I couldn’t deal with her. I never could deal with her, but I tried for Katie.
Katie never would have been so mean to Rebecca. She would have understood why she didn’t come to the funeral. That was why everybody loved Katie so much. Or was it because they fed on her glow like I did? Maybe we were all just junkies, trying to get as much of her as we could while she was alive.
I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around to see Stephanie, one of Rebecca’s horde, and another person who missed the funeral. She smiled a crooked smile at me as she shifted from one foot to the other on her shiny clogs.
“So…you were you there?” Stephanie asked me. Her normally bouncy, blonde hair was disheveled and flat. “At the funeral?”
“I was there,” I replied, trying to brush past her. “It was lovely.”
“I wanted to go. I just couldn’t go. I had reasons.”
“I’m sure she understands,” I said. “Just like how you couldn’t see her during her last round of chemo.”
“I tried to go. It was just so sad.”
“It was sad. It was horrible. She threw up every day for a week. She couldn’t talk. She withered away alone, with just me. I’m sure she can forgive you for not coming to her funeral, but I’ll never forgive you for not coming to see her.”
“I just…couldn’t.”
“Yeah, none of you could.”
I slammed my shoulder against hers and she spun around. Katie wouldn’t approve of me being so hard on Stephanie, or any of them. She didn’t want anybody to come unless they wanted to be there. She always said that she didn’t hold it against them.
But I held it against myself, because the truth was,
