“Yeah, maybe,” I say, hoping it placates her.
She stands up and heads for the door. “See you tomorrow.”
As soon as she closes the door, I lean back in my chair and exhale. What have I done?
16
I go home and flop onto my bed and think about how I just had the best kiss of my life with my calculus professor. It wasn’t the first kiss we’ve had, but considering our new dynamic, it felt different. We weren’t just two adults coming together for a night of passion, we were a student and a professor crossing a line. What we did was against the rules, and we did it in his office. It was hot as fuck. The sexual tension between us keeps growing, and the fact that we both know how the other one looks and feels naked, makes it so much harder to keep our hands and mouths to ourselves. If I was at all starting to forget what it felt like to be kissed and touched by him, I definitely remember now.
I think back to what it felt like to have him pressed up against me—his body full of muscle, and his arousal obvious. His large hands on my face and neck while his talented tongue danced with mine gives me tingles just thinking about it.
I understand his hesitation, and I get that he has more to lose here. I’m not stupid, but we all have feelings and wants and needs. There’s something between us, and I feel like we deserve to explore it. I just don’t know if we’ll ever get that chance.
My day ends the same way it began, the same way all my days end and begin lately, with thoughts of Elijah.
* * *
When I get into class on Monday, there’s already a handful of students. But when I walk in front of his desk to get to mine, I notice him doing a double take. I grin as I take a seat, then I lift my eyes and meet his stare.
With a slight tilt of my head, I give him a tiny smile. He promptly goes back to what he was doing.
Unfortunately, he does a good job at ignoring me the whole class period. It isn’t until the end of the class that I get his attention, and that’s only because I waited for everyone to leave, and then stood by his desk.
“Are you still going to tutor me?” I ask.
He doesn’t look up from the papers in his hands. “Yes. I told you I would, so I will. When are you off next?”
“Wednesday after five.”
“Okay. I’ll be in the library at five.”
He doesn’t want us to be alone again. “Okay.”
As I’m walking away, his voice stops me.
“Nova. It will not happen again.”
My shoulders sag at the sound of finality in his voice. I don’t respond, I just walk out.
Before my next class, Ayanna rushes up to me with a huge grin on her face. “Luca just asked me out. Like officially. Not just fucking around. Eeeee!”
I smile, happy for her, but even I can tell it doesn’t reach my eyes. It’s forced, but only because I’m dealing with my own dejection.
“Oh wow, congrats, girl! He’s a catch,” I tell her.
She continues to beam, but as we keep walking, she turns and says, “What’s wrong with you?”
I force away all thoughts of Elijah. I can’t talk about him anyway, and give her a crooked smile. “I’m fine. Just tired.”
“Mmhmm. How’s calculus?”
“What? What do you mean?”
“You said you were gonna fail. Is it getting any better? Did you find a tutor?”
“Oh. Yeah, I’m working with someone, and I can tell it’s helping. I’m still no math whiz, but hopefully I’ll get a passing grade.”
“Give him an apple,” she jokes.
I snort but don’t respond. The silence stretches between us as we approach the next class. She speeds up and turns, stopping in front of me. “What else? I know something else is going on, so don’t front. Tell me. Is it Kingston?”
I nervously glance around, wondering who’s listening. “No, nothing is happening. It’s not a big deal.”
Ayanna gives me a look like she knows better. “I’m serious. Okay, maybe I’m being childish about my crush not being able to go any further, but that’s it. I’m just in my feelings about it. I’ll be fine.”
She eyes me for a few seconds, determining if she wants to believe me. It’s not a lie, but it’s not the whole truth.
“Okay, well, we’ll talk later.”
“Okay.”
After our third class of the day ends, we head to the lunch atrium, get a few tacos apiece, then drop to a table.
“All right now. Spill it. And don’t lie to me. I know we haven’t known each other but a month and a half or whatever, but I’m gonna tell you now, I don’t open my mouth and say shit that’s not my business. You don’t have to worry about me saying anything to anyone,” Ayanna tells me.
I tilt my head and exhale. “It’s exactly what I said.”
“You’re crushing on Professor K, and now you’re all sad. That doesn’t make sense.”
“I like him, okay?” I say a little defensively.
“Do you know him?”
I shrug. “A little.”
“Look, I’ve crushed on teachers too, but they don’t really give us the light of day. We’re just silly young girls with a crush. Has he led you on in any way? Why are you so in your feelings about it?”
I take a bite and slowly chew, giving myself time to come up with an answer. As much as I feel like I can trust Ayanna, and lord knows I need a best friend to be able to talk to, I feel like I’d be betraying Elijah’s trust if I told her everything, because I told him I wouldn’t say anything to anybody. But typically, when people say they won’t say anything, they still have one person they’ll tell. A best friend, a sister, a spouse, someone.
“I’m
