So much had happened in the last five weeks, she couldn’t remember anything in a straight line. Joe and Rachel’s engagement, Naomi’s ceremony, the renovations on the tearooms, Pansy starting school, Tassie’s death.
‘What’s wrong?’ asked Henry as they drove.
‘Nothing – I don’t know, I just feel weird,’ she said, being evasive. There was no point saying anything until she knew for certain, but what would Henry say if she was pregnant?
They drove into Chippenham.
‘Drove me off here, get Pansy and come back for me?’ she said, pointing to a park on the side of the road. Henry stopped the car and she jumped out.
‘See you soon,’ she said and before he had time to answer, she had walked into the shopping centre.
She went to the chemist and looked at the tests. She wondered if Judy had used one of these. She picked up an early pregnancy test. Their baby would be due soon, and she thought about everything that had changed since she had learned of their affair.
The odd thing was she barely thought about them now and when she did, she felt nothing. Not anger or indifference, it felt like a different person and a different life. She chose a test and paid for it then went hunting for the bathroom. Sitting on the toilet, she read the instructions and then did as it asked.
Not exactly a glamorous task, she thought as she waited in the noisy cubicles, with the bright light overhead creating a mood more suited to an interrogation than an insemination.
And there it was. The double line. Oh, Tassie. She shook her head. I think you planned this all along.
Henry was waiting for her when she went outside and Pansy was filled with news about school and artwork she had to show Clara.
‘Can you show me when we get home? I’m not feeling well,’ said Clara, ignoring Henry’s worried looks.
Pansy sat back quietly, mumbling to herself in the back seat but Clara didn’t have the energy to respond.
She always indulged Pansy and her needs but right now, she needed to be alone and gather her thoughts.
Henry tried to make conversation as they drove home but neither Clara nor Pansy engaged, both staring out the window. The trees were turning orange now, noticed Clara and she felt bad for snapping at Pansy.
She turned in the seat to Pansy.
‘I’m sorry, darling, I felt a bit sick. I want to see your art. Can you show me?’
Pansy picked up her painting and handed it to Clara. It was actually very good. Far more sophisticated than what Clara had thought Pansy was capable of doing.
‘Wow, is that our house?’ she asked.
Pansy nodded.
Clara looked at the pink house with the brown roof. There was the gate and the chicken coop with little chickens running around.
Pansy was on the swing and Henry was on the roof. Clara smiled as she peered closely. She saw herself next to the vegetable garden.
‘Is that me?’ she asked pointing at the figure in the big hat that she often wore.
Pansy nodded.
‘And what else is there?’
‘There is Mummy,’ she said and Clara looked closely but she couldn’t see another person in the artwork.
‘I can’t see her? Point to her?’ asked Clara, handing the picture back to Pansy. Pansy put her finger on a thin tree next to what she presumed was the large oak out the back.
‘That’s Mummy,’ she said.
‘Mummy is a tree?’ Clara said, smiling at Henry who raised an eyebrow.
‘Yes, because Tassie told me to put an acorn in and I did and I never told you and soon she will be a big tree,’ said Pansy proudly.
Clara gasped and looked to Henry who was laughing and smiling. ‘Oh, you and Tassie were always up to something.’
‘Yes, Tassie used to tell me things all the time to do that I didn’t tell you,’ boasted Pansy.
‘Oh yes? Like what?’ asked Henry as they turned down the road towards the cottage.
‘Like when we put the shells in the garden. She said you needed them and I had to tell you I wanted them, and then she made me put acorns under your bed.’ Pansy laughed and laughed to herself in the back of the car.
56
The packages were on the front doorstep when they arrived home.
‘What are these?’ asked Henry.
Pansy spied her own name and picked up the box and shook it. ‘I can hear something rattling,’ she cried.
‘It’s probably broken with that shake,’ Henry said to Clara as he picked up a small box with his name printed on the front.
He opened the front door, and Clara picked up the large envelope and walked inside and went to the table.
‘Cup of tea?’ he asked and she nodded.
Pansy was in the living room, the television was on but neither Clara nor Henry had the energy to tell her to turn it off.
She opened the drawer and pulled out a knife and slit open the padded envelope. She pulled out a letter and a notebook, which she put down, because she recognised Tassie’s old-fashioned script.
Dearest Clara,
What a blessing you are to me and to Merryknowe and to Rachel and Henry and Pansy and your chickens. I think everyone who has ever met you benefitted in some way…
Clara gasped and started to cry and handed it to Henry. ‘She wrote me a letter. I can’t read it. Can you?’
Henry sat down and cleared his throat.
‘Dearest Clara,
‘What a blessing you are to me and to Merryknowe and to Rachel and Henry and Pansy and your chickens. I think everyone who has ever met you benefitted in some way from your giving nature and true nurturing soul.
‘But when you give all the time, you become empty inside and you try and please everyone else and eventually you become just a husk of yourself. I used to worry about you but that won’t happen now because you have learned to ask for help. To ask to be loved and to have received it so joyously.
‘I was not
