Without even thinking, Elizabeth pulled acigarette out of the pack and took a long drag. She felt it burningin her chest, but didn't care. She suppressed a cough. She let thecigarette hang out of her mouth for a moment while she inserted herkey in the ignition to roll down the window a bit. As she sat theresmoking, she stared at herself in the driver's side mirror,wondering what the hell she was doing with her life. Did she reallyhave the choice of two men right now? She wasn't so sure. Jackappeared to make his intentions known. Peter had not. Did she wantJack? Did she want Peter? She was so confused. She didn't know whatshe wanted.
She tried to clear her head to think, but itwas fuzzy from the alcohol. Christ, she was such a lightweight.Elizabeth took drag after drag on the cigarette while her mindraced. Being with Peter would be comfortable and easy. It wouldmake the kids happy. However, she wasn't sure that comfort was thesame as happiness. Being with Jack would be hard. There was certainto be scandal. It would hurt Peter. Therefore, it might hurt thekids as well. She could see the relationship being tumultuous. Butwith all that tumult, she saw incredible passion. That hadcertainly been lacking in her life thus far.
But could passion last? Was it like getting atattoo? It looked good at the time, and for the next few years waspretty attractive, and even sexy. But sooner or later, everyone'sskin sags and you are just a ridiculous old person with an uglytattoo. Was Jack, and the promises that he brought, worth hurtingPeter and the children?
Elizabeth finished that cigarette and litanother one. She still didn't have any answers. Smoking soothed herand, except for the burning in her chest, she could see why peopleliked it. She stared at her own eyes, looking for answers. Shewanted to be able to go back inside and tell Peter she wanted toget back together. To have their family reunited. She wanted thepassion and the promise that Jack instilled. She wanted, for once,to have the answers.
CHAPTER THIRTY: February 16,2013
As Elizabeth entered the ballroom for thesecond time that evening, she felt a calm wash over her. She had nomore answers than she had when she left the room. And although shefelt like she needed to figure out what she was doing with herlife, she had come to the realization that her needs were notalways met. At least not in a timely manner. Her needs ... Whatwere they even?
Elizabeth needed to be confident in herself.She needed to provide a home and loving environment for herchildren. She needed to instill a sense of self-worth in not onlyTeddy and Sydney, but in herself as well. Peter had met those needsin only the most basic, materialistic sense. While being with Peterwould make them a family of four, it would be in number only; neverin heart or soul. It pained Elizabeth to realize this. She did notwant to say that marrying Peter had been a mistake, although sheknew, deep down, it was. It was a mistake that she could never letherself regret, however, because it brought her Teddy and Sydney.There would be many more evenings for Monday-morningquarterbacking. Tonight did not have to be one of them.
As Elizabeth crossed the floor, she found Peterwith his co-workers and colleagues. They were still engaged inconversation. They had settled by one of the high tables, andplates showing evidence of hors d'oeuvres littered the table. Peterhimself was sitting on a stool, facing out away from the table assome of his colleagues stood around. Elizabeth had been gone for atleast thirty minutes. Maybe more like forty-five. His eyes were onthe people next to him, obviously participating in the discussion.He was not looking around the room, searching for Elizabeth. He wasnot wondering where she had disappeared to. He did not notice shewas gone.
Elizabeth walked up to Peter and took his facein both her hands. She gave him a light kiss on thelips.
"I wish it could be you."
"But it's not," he said, without hurt. Simplymatter-of-factly.
She released his face and dropped her hands toher side. They held each other's gaze for a moment, beforeElizabeth turned away. The room, the decorations, the music, thepeople that had all faded into the background suddenly becamefocused. She noticed that there were now couples out on the dancefloor. She was trying to place the music, when the song ended, andanother began. As she listened to the light melody of the horns,Jack appeared and stuck out his hand. "May I have thisdance?"
Elizabeth looked to Peter, who just shrugged inindifference. She accepted Jack's hand as he led her out onto thefloor, just as the bandleader, who sounded so much like Sinatra,started crooning about "The Way You Look Tonight."
"I couldn't let this song go by withoutacknowledging you," Jack said, as he moved Elizabeth deftly in afox trot step around the floor.
Elizabeth looked up and wrinkled her browslightly, "How did you get over to me just as the song was startingthen?"
Jack laughed. "Because I requested it. Foryou."
Elizabeth didn't have time to frown again, asJack changed up the step and spun Elizabeth out and then in,holding her firmly. She had to focus on where her feet were going,where he was leading her. She had forgotten how much fun dancingcould be. Gliding across the floor, held expertly, led confidently,Elizabeth felt more alive than she had in years.
"I knew this would put a smile on yourface."
Elizabeth tried to frown, but couldn't. She washaving too much fun. As the song
