‘Oh, mate.’ Ella slowed the car. She’d got faster with nerves and worry as she drove, and the road hadn’t got any less slippery in the hour or two she’d spent at Jake’s.
‘What were you thinking? What on earth made you think it was a good idea to ride your bike on the bowling green?’
‘I didn’t think about it, Mum. I was upset and I just, I just—’
‘It’s making bad choices.’
‘I got upset, Mum. I went overboard. I got so mad.’
‘Jake said you were on the ramp. He watched you put your foot down and race for it and he says you were going to jump the bike on the green. It’s not good enough, Sammy.’
‘I said I was sorry.’
‘No, you didn’t. You haven’t said sorry once.’
‘I did say sorry. I told Jake I was sorry.’
‘Okay.’ She forced her hands to relax on the wheel. ‘Is there anything else going on that’s upsetting you? Is this about moving to Chalk Hill, or about Erik? Is it about my job?’
‘I liked it when you used to do those advertisements with Erik, and manage the swim team and that was your job.’ His eyes bored into hers. ‘You weren’t selling houses then.’
‘We had sponsorships, Sam. People paid us to promote their stuff.’
‘Well, why can’t you do that again? We still did stuff together then ’cos you had time.’
‘Well, part of it is Erik and I aren’t so famous now. There are new swimmers who are more famous, and not just swimmers, other sportspeople. The companies who pay us, well, they have other people they want to pay to represent them now.’
In other words, she had a shelf life. She was past her use-by date, and that was okay. She didn’t miss those years of being half of the Erik and Ella show at all. But it didn’t pay the bills; she didn’t have any other skills except swimming or being around a swim team, and if she was serious about not leaning on Erik anymore, that meant financially as well as emotionally.
‘That’s why I need this new job, Sam. I’ve always loved houses and property, and it’s a chance to work in an industry I love.’
How did you tell a ten-year-old that your old life wasn’t enough anymore? How did you explain that you needed to find who you were when you were out of the water?
And how did you explain that you got tired with yourself; tired and bored for being a hypocrite, paid to pose in family-friendly commercials with a husband you loved like a brother, and a little boy whose dad wasn’t the wonderful man in the photographs?
How could you live a lie like that, day in day out, and not hate yourself a little bit more every hour?
‘You don’t like houses as much as you loved swimming,’ Sam said, staring out the window again. ‘And you quit that.’
‘I quit swimming because you were born.’ It was out before she could stop it.
Sam didn’t say anything. He picked up his bike helmet from his lap and turned it, playing with the fastener and straps, and Ella wished she could take the words back.
‘I don’t mean that in a bad way, Sammy. You’re the best thing that ever happened to me and I love you, okay? No matter what.’
‘Sure, Mum. Trampoline.’
Oh God. He didn’t believe her. It was there in the hunch of his shoulders, and the way his ‘trampoline’ had no bounce.
Ahead, the bitumen road gleamed. Ella reached it, the tyres gripped and the Mazda stopped shaking. It felt like home. Strange how the boy beside her felt so far away.
‘You can’t go wrecking things when you’re upset, Sam.’
‘I know. Jake said the same thing.’
‘He did, hey? Well, maybe you should listen to him.’
Sam’s eyes flicked to hers again. ‘I liked learning to ride the quad bike, even if it meant I had to pick up sticks. Even that was okay. He said when it’s not fire season, the fire crew come out to his farm and they have a big burn pile. It’s like a training exercise, Jake said. He said maybe we could come out when they do it and watch.’
‘Did he? That’s nice of him.’
‘Do you know what Jake said he used to do when he got angry?’ Sam asked.
Hope flickered deep inside her and she smiled at her son’s eager face. ‘What did he do?’
‘He used to strip a stick off the willow tree in the paddock and pretend it was a whip. Then he’d whack the tree trunks and strip bark from them.’
‘Doesn’t sound like much fun for the poor tree,’ Ella said. Her head filled with a picture of Jake as a boy, racing from tree to tree, striking out, working off all that pent-up fury. He’d have been a skinny kid probably, like Sam. A young ninja, quick, lithe and fast with that whip.
‘Trees don’t have feelings,’ Sam scoffed.
‘They do! Trees are magic things. You think about those huge tingle trees we saw with Erik yesterday on the Tree Top Walk. They’re so old. I bet they have magic.’
Sam looked at her like she’d gone a bit loopy, but he didn’t argue and a few minutes later he said, ‘Sorry about the rocks and about the bowling green, Mum. I won’t do it again.’
‘Thank you, Sam. I’m glad to hear you say it. Next time you feel like you’re getting angry, walk away from it, okay? Burn it off some other way. Jake’s way doesn’t sound too bad. Not really.’
‘Okay. I’ll try.’
Coming down off the hills, the lights of Chalk Hill beckoned. Ella was thinking how pretty the town was, and how good it felt to be connecting with Sam again when her mobile phone rang, the screen lit up and she saw the name: Henry Graham.
CHAPTER
14
Jake left a message about Henry Graham’s offer with both Brix and Abe overnight, and it didn’t surprise him that it was Abe who was first to get back to him, bright
