I look it over. It’s practically a feast, and thinking of it, my mouth waters. I add a mango lassi and submit the order, handing the phone back to Ethan.
“The first time Riley went through teething, she ran a fever for two days straight and I’m pretty sure Alexis didn’t sleep the whole time,” Ethan says. He shakes his head and stands up.
The coffee maker beeps and I jump up, afraid that Riley’s going to awaken, but she just continues sleeping, under the combined efforts of her own exhaustion and baby Tylenol.
“Sorry, I’ve been trying to get her to get at least a little sleep all day,” I say, sitting back down. Ethan nods his understanding and gets to work pouring me a cup of coffee.
“At least she’s almost done,” he points out, and mentally I count how many teeth Riley has and how many more she should have coming in. They can’t all be this terrible, can they?
“Thank God adult teeth aren’t like this,” I say, accepting the coffee from him. “Help yourself, too,” I add.
“Thanks,” Ethan says, getting another mug down for himself. For a few minutes we sit there in silence drinking coffee, and as my brain decompresses a bit from the stresses of the day, I think about what Ethan said about Alexis, and I think about our discussion from before.
“I’ve been thinking,” I say quietly.
Ethan raises an eyebrow at that. “You can think while Riley’s carrying on?”
I smile wryly. “I mean, in general. I guess… it has to be really hard for you, especially hard. With Alexis… dead.”
“Yeah, I guess,” Ethan says. “I haven’t really let myself think about it as much as maybe I should.”
“Why not?”
Ethan shrugs. “It just… I feel like if I let myself really think about it, then I’ll just get overwhelmed and bogged down by it. What good does that do anyone, especially Riley?”
I lick my lips, thinking for a few moments, and take another sip of my coffee. “It’s got to get lonely, though,” I say quietly.
“Lonely?” Ethan raises an eyebrow again and I feel the blood rushing into my cheeks a little bit.
“Well, I mean, I’m lonely and I’m not even used to having a spouse,” I point out.
“You’re lonely? I never would have guessed,” Ethan says.
I laugh, as quietly as I can, remembering that Riley is asleep just in the next room.
“I haven’t been with anyone in… probably a year or more,” I tell him. Ethan’s eyes go wide.
“You haven’t even kissed anyone?”
I shake my head.
“You and Alexis hooking up like you did kind of…” I stop myself. “That, and I’ve been so focused on my career that I just haven’t even really wanted to date. And you kind of need to at least go on a date to kiss someone.”
“There’s Tinder, you know,” Ethan says, his voice dry as a bone.
“I’m not into that,” I say quickly. I look Ethan over for a few moments. Is he on Tinder? The idea of Ethan getting nearly anonymous sex hookups on his phone is sickening to me, even more than it was for him to have been involved with my sister, somehow.
“That makes sense, but it’s not like it would be difficult for you to find someone, if you were really looking,” Ethan says.
“I don’t know,” I say, but my cheeks burn with a blush.
“You’re still beautiful,” Ethan tells me. “Even more beautiful than ever.”
He holds my gaze for a long moment and I can feel my heart beating faster in my chest. I feel the way I used to feel in the days before Ethan and I started dating properly, that giddy, fluttery feeling that I used to love so much.
“Shut up,” I say, but I can’t quite meet his gaze.
Ethan moves, and I don’t stop him, and somehow he’s lifting me out of my seat, and tilting my face up to his, and then we’re kissing. I know it’s wrong, and in the back of my mind, I think that I should make him stop, or at least make myself stop, but I start responding to him almost before I can fully form the thought, before I can control myself.
The kiss deepens, and I feel Ethan’s hands on me. For a few seconds, it’s like cheap time travel, I can remember all too well how it was with Ethan before things went bad between us, before I broke us up. I reach up and wrap my arms around Ethan’s shoulders, and press my body against his. I tremble in Ethan’s grip, and before I know what’s happening, he pushes me against the counter, and the heat of his body sinking into mine feels so good, feels so right and perfect, that I almost can’t stand it.
I pull back all at once as it hits me that what we’re doing isn’t good, or right, or perfect. It’s wrong, and bad, and absolutely flawed. Why am I letting my brother-in-law kiss me like this? With his hands slipping up under my shirt, barely skimming at my breasts? Even more to the point, why should it feel like ripping fishing hooks out of my skin to break away from him? It nearly kills me to make myself stop, even though I know it’s wrong to be kissing a man who only months before I’d sworn I’d never willingly have anything to do with again. A man who was married to my sister, who would still be married to her if she hadn’t died.
“We can’t do this,” I say quietly.
“Do what?” Ethan looks down at me, holding onto my gaze, and it’s so hard not to give into the obvious heat in his eyes. I can almost feel him wanting me, and some part of me desperately wants him, in spite of knowing that I shouldn’t have anything to do with him and in spite of how much I’ve spent the last two years
