“Should I ask the flight attendant to get you some tea?” I asked.
“Vodka tonic,” Nan said. “Make it a double.”
* * *
The next day, I woke up at five as usual. But since I didn’t need to go to Landsdowne before work, I decided to take Maisie for a walk and stop by Starbucks for a latte, hoping it would perk me up a little.
When I passed the big cement planters where Sunny and Z hung out, Sunny nodded toward my extra giant coffee cup and said, “Venti size. Did you win the lottery or something?”
“If only,” I said, feeling a little guilty.
Maybe I should have bought two smaller coffees and given one to Sunny. Since I’d gotten to know Sunny and Z better, I sometimes bought extra food at the grocery store and gave it to them on my way home. They were always very appreciative—high as kites half the time, but always polite.
When I first moved to town, I’d been shocked by the number of people living on the streets, but I’d gotten used to it. I couldn’t do much to tackle the problem of homelessness, but I could help Sunny and Z. Or I could try to. But it was hard to predict if I would find them “at home” or out doing something else. Finding a fix? Riding the bus to stay warm?
“I decided to treat myself,” I said, feeling stupid, like I was making excuses.
Sunny nodded dully and slid down to sit on her haunches. As she did, the hem of her dirty gray sweatshirt caught against the wall and rode up to expose a sliver of too-pale flesh. That’s when I realized that something wasn’t right.
The red wagon was missing, so was one of the sleeping bags, and Sunny looked worse than I’d ever seen her.
“Where’s Z?”
“Gone,” she said, her eyes glazing over as she stared past my legs.
“Gone where?”
Sunny shrugged. “Woke up three days ago and he was just . . . gone. So was all his stuff. And the dog.” She reached out to pat Maisie on the head. “Hey, little girl.”
Maisie licked her dirty hand. I squatted down on the pavement.
“You okay? Is there anything I can do?”
“Do you have any money?”
The way she asked quickly, so quickly, and with her eyes suddenly glittering and hungry, made me uncomfortable. I knew that Sunny and Z panhandled to survive, but they’d never directly asked me for a handout. Whether that was because it felt awkward to ask for money from someone who lived right in the neighborhood or because I didn’t look like somebody who had any was hard to say.
“I don’t have any cash,” I said truthfully. “But, here.”
I held out my latte. Sunny stared at the cup.
“Go ahead,” I urged. “It’ll warm you up.”
“Are you sick or anything?”
“Totally healthy,” I assured her.
She sniffled and swiped at her nose with her sleeve.
“Okay. Thanks.”
I watched her drink, feeling better but worse, wishing I could do more but having no idea what more might be. Finally, I stood up.
“You going to be okay?”
“Yeah, sure.” Sunny shrugged. “I miss the dog. But Z’s just a guy. I can always find another one, right?”
“You think so?”
Sunny held the cup close to her chest, as if trying to warm her entire body from that one small source of heat.
“No, but it makes me feel better to say so.”
* * *
All of my bosses, including Gavin, were attending an off-site meeting, so the office was quiet and I was grateful, thinking I’d need a day to catch up. But when I actually started sorting through my e-mail and inbox, there wasn’t all that much that needed doing.
Gavin had a habit of piling stuff on my desk and attaching yellow sticky notes with terse instructions on each item, telling what he wanted done and when, but the pile he’d left for me was uncharacteristically short, consisting of nothing more than some filing and copying, plus a reminder to schedule a tune-up for his Lexus and an executive physical for himself. Apparently, Gavin had more of a heart than I’d given him credit for. I’d have to thank him when I saw him, then assure him that I was ready to get back to work.
Honestly, I’d have preferred it if he’d heaped my desk with things that needed doing. It would have made the day easier to endure, kept my mind from thinking about Jamie, from trying to imagine how I was going to fill the remainder of my days, and years, and life without him. I made a lot of trips to the bathroom that day, closing myself in a stall to shed a few quiet tears before wiping my eyes with the tissue and going back to my desk.
I did spend a little time updating my résumé. I wasn’t planning to look for another job right away, but I wasn’t planning on spending the rest of my life being indispensable to Gavin Nutting either. He definitely wasn’t my dream boss, but after he’d endured my unexpected leave of absence during Jamie’s illness, it didn’t seem fair to leave him high and dry. I’d ease out over the next few months, making sure I found a great replacement. There was no rush.
At three o’clock, I went down to Starbucks for my usual small drip coffee. While I was waiting in line, someone tapped me on the shoulder. When I turned around, Luke Pascal was standing there, holding a bouquet of grocery store carnations and daisies.
“Don’t worry, I’m not staying,” he said. “But I saw Monica yesterday and she told me about Jamie. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am for your loss.”
He handed me the flowers. I briefly buried my face in the blossoms, breathing in the spicy, sweet scent of carnations.
“Thanks, Luke. That was nice of you. Do you have time for
