Tyler really wasn’t sure exactly what he’d said or done to piss Jaime off. At least he’d tried to clear the air and reassure Jaime there were no hard feelings—at least not on Tyler’s part. But it seemed like Jaime had plenty of hard, maybe even hostile, feelings. Tyler could only wait to discover the fallout of his indiscretion at the next class. He vowed never to be so stupid again, no matter how strongly he felt. The thoughts and desires he had tried to keep to himself were best left hidden. They caused too much pain.
Sitting behind the wheel of his car in the parking lot, Tyler tried to make sense of his life. Before Jaime, his life had followed a simple plan. Get an education. Get a good job. Meet a good woman, settle down, and start a family. The first two weren’t a problem. It was the last part of his life’s plan that seemed to always elude him. It wasn’t from lack of opportunity. Even though Tyler had gone from one girlfriend to the next, the relationships never went the distance. Now he was beginning to wonder just how much he had wanted those relationships to become something more when he was never willing to make the one compromise those women had always wanted. Maybe he should have skipped karate class to see Jenny.
A sudden tapping on the passenger side window ripped Tyler from his thoughts of self-doubt. What now? Some old lady waiting for his spot? Tyler was surprised to see Jaime standing there with a sheepish look on his face.
“Can we talk?” Jaime mouthed the words from the other side of the glass.
It took a few seconds for Tyler to convince himself he wasn’t going insane. Finally, he unlocked the door and Jaime scooted into the car.
Jaime sat staring straight ahead at the parking lot as shoppers walked by, hands laden with filled plastic bags or overflowing carts. The hostility that had surrounded Jaime like a shield in the store was gone. The last time they were sitting in the car together it had led to something Tyler was convinced was the biggest mistake of his life.
“I’m sorry.” Jaime said suddenly.
Jaime turned to face Tyler. There was something so vulnerable about the guilt in his face. Despite Jaime’s hostility in the store, Tyler was struck with the urge to comfort and protect him. But Jaime didn’t need either from Tyler, whose first duty right now was as Jaime’s sempai. Maybe they could be friends in time. Although given the way Jaime was acting, Tyler was convinced there couldn’t be anything more between them.
There was some comfort in that thought. Tyler doubted he would let his desires for another guy surface again. He could push those thoughts to the back of his mind only to be explored in private fantasies. So why did he feel like he was being dumped for a second time in one week?
“This is all my fault.” Tyler said. “I should have been more professional. I don’t want things to change in class.”
Jaime lowered his gaze and smiled while staring at the dashboard. A faint blush rose on his cheeks. “I’m sorry I was such an ass in the store. I’m not sorry for going down on you. Are you?”
Tyler wanted nothing more than to see Jaime’s eyes as he spoke. They never lied about what Jaime was feeling. That was probably why he kept them hidden behind his long bangs most of the time. They were like a shield Tyler had wanted to break through since the first time they had sparred. The sparring had helped. Although now Tyler wondered if it was more the friendship and acceptance. With one selfish act, he had undone everything he had been trying to accomplish.
“You got so weirded out in class,” Jaime said.
“You were avoiding me.” Tyler had to resist the temptation to reach out and lift Jaime’s chin. He needed to see those eyes.
Jaime nodded but kept his eyes downcast.
“You aren’t the first straight guy I’ve been with.” Jaime sat back in the passenger seat. While his eyes remained fixed on the people walking by a world away, Tyler could at least catch a glimpse of Jaime’s veiled gaze. “It doesn’t have anything to do with love or affection. It’s all about sex. For something that straight men say they don’t do, there are a lot of them that get hard at the thought of a man stroking them or sucking them. Some will even go all the way.”
Jaime’s words weren’t doing anything to help Tyler’s concentration. His mind reeled from locking away his desires for Jaime away to visualizing Jaime poised behind him, ready to penetrate. Even if Tyler didn’t want to think of those thoughts now, he knew forcing them away would only strengthen the hold they had on him.
“It’s all good in a dark alley or car parked at a rest stop,” Jaime said. “Most I don’t ever see again. If I do run into them again, there is no trace of recognition in their eyes let alone acknowledgment of what they’ve done. By ignoring me, they could ignore part of themselves. So when you didn’t even talk to me in class, I figured you were like them. That’s fine. It’s not my place to judge. Being openly gay isn’t easy.”
Tyler’s masculinity insisted he spout the refrain “I’m not gay,” but he fought the impulse so Jaime would keep talking.
“I swear I’m not going to tell anyone.” Jaime smiled and finally turned to face Tyler. “I’d still like to be your friend.”
For a moment, all Tyler could do was stare into Jaime’s brown eyes. When he let his defenses fall away, Jaime’s strength of character was undeniable.
* * * *
By the time Jaime had finished filling his basket with the items on his list, he had run the gauntlet of emotions. For all the anger Jaime felt, he knew the real source wasn’t Tyler but his own desires for
