“I guess,” she agreed. “I’m new to this, too.”
“Not a bad thing to know.” Sawyer looked down at Lizzie grimly. “Fast and cute. I’m in trouble.”
Olivia was tempted to laugh, but Sawyer’s solemn expression hadn’t changed a bit.
“My heart nearly stopped,” Sawyer said, turning toward Olivia. “When I saw her in there next to that horse, I thought I was going to throw up. I mean, like more than just regular panic when a kid’s not where she should be...”
“Like a dad,” Olivia said softly.
“Is that what it’s like to be a father?” he asked.
“I think so,” she said. A memory of her own dad rose in her mind—foggy, maybe even mostly made up at this point. She had a couple of pictures of her father, but he’d left them when she was eight and her brother wasn’t much older than the toddlers were.
“I feel really bad that I don’t know my daughters,” Sawyer went on. “What kind of a dad forgets his kids?”
“This accident wasn’t your fault,” she countered. At least with Sawyer it had been an accident. Her father had just walked out—done with all of them, apparently.
“I know, but—” His shoulders lifted in a shrug. “I don’t remember how I felt when they were born, but I do know how I felt when I saw Lizzie in that corral. I don’t think I’ve forgotten everything.”
The toddlers both began to squirm, and they put them down to let them run ahead. Sawyer was somber.
“Are you okay?” Olivia asked after some silence.
“Was I a good man?” he asked, and the question seemed to come out of the blue. She eyed him for a moment.
“Of course!” She started to smile, but then saw the seriousness in his gaze. “Sawyer, you were an upright guy. You worked hard and loved hard. You were honest. You were a real salt-of-the-earth type.”
“Thing is, I don’t remember my wife,” he said. “At least I don’t think so. I remember a black coat. Did she have a black coat?”
“I don’t know,” Olivia said. “But honestly, Sawyer. You don’t seem to remember much of anyone. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
“When I saw you, I didn’t know you, but you felt...familiar. Like with my instincts with Lizzie just now, I sensed that you were someone who mattered to me.”
“Isn’t that good to have it start to come back?” she asked tentatively.
“Did you have a black coat?” he asked.
“Maybe?” She eyed him uncertainly. “Why?”
“I think I remember a woman in a coat. Whatever. It’s not much more than that. It could be anyone. But I’ve looked at my wedding album,” Sawyer said. “I’ve held the wedding rings in my hand. I looked at the engagement ring I bought for her...and nothing. I didn’t feel a thing.”
“Did you feel anything when you saw my picture?” she asked.
He hesitated. “No.”
“Maybe it’s just that—I’m a real person. A picture is different.”
Olivia put a hand on his arm and they slowed to a stop. The girls stopped ahead to investigate some buttercups at the side of the road.
“Sawyer, you were a good guy,” she said firmly. “And you loved each other. Mia knew you inside and out, and she trusted you.”
“Then why did you back off?” he asked pointedly. “You’d think we could have emailed, kept up on social media...something.”
Why did he keep picking at this? Why did he want to know every uncomfortable detail about their friendship? In some ways, they had been too close. In other ways, they’d never opened up enough. It had been a painful balancing act toward the end, and it was a relief when Mia had gone all moon-eyed over him, because Mia had been willing to throw herself into a relationship with Sawyer. That was the way these things were supposed to work—fall for each other, and then go for it! When it came to Sawyer and Olivia, they’d fallen for each other, and then held back.
“I was leaving town. I hated this place, Sawyer! What do you want me to say? I couldn’t make my life here—I needed the city, where no one knew me so I could figure out who I was from scratch. This town is gossipy and can be downright cruel. I was ready to shake the dust off my boots and get out of here. Beaut couldn’t be my home. You knew that. Besides, you had Mia. So maybe that was a bit painful for me.”
Sawyer paused. She’d said too much already.
“Why was that painful?”
“I backed off after your wedding because you told me to,” she said, tears misting her eyes, and she remembered what it felt like to have Sawyer look her in the eye and ask her to go away for a while. It had hurt—it had felt a whole lot like betrayal. But she’d understood, too. “You asked me to give you space, and I did.”
Sawyer nodded. “The thing is, I don’t think I would have asked you to back off unless my feelings for you were a threat to my marriage.”
There it was—his worry. He was wondering if he was the kind of guy to be emotionally unfaithful to his wife. Well, she could set him straight there.
“Feelings—what do they matter?” Olivia demanded. “They come and they go. A vow—that matters! You chose the right woman, and every choice after that was in defense of your marriage. Those choices matter. You weren’t untrue to her. The fact that you guarded your marriage means it was worth guarding, not that I was any threat. I promise you that.”
“You sure?” he asked quietly.
“Positive. I’m not that kind of woman, either. Trust me.” She’d been Mia’s best friend, after all. And just because she’d backed away from Sawyer didn’t mean that her friendship with Mia had been over. “Mia had your heart, and was confident in that. You were not in love with me. Maybe I was a little