I’m mad that he hurts and keeps it all in. I trust him with my problems. Why can’t he trust me with his?
I’m mad for no good reason other than I’m scared and everything’s changing, and probably not for the better.
“I think you know,” says Li.
“You’re right, as always. I’m mad that when anything goes wrong, Sam goes with the flow. I storm out for no good reason, while he stays reliably calm, even when I know for a fact it’s not how he really feels. It’s insane-making.”
“What do you care if he’s calm? Isn’t that a good quality?”
“Because the calmer he is, the more I look like a bitch.”
“Then don’t act like one. It’s maybe that simple.”
“It’s not. I just feel this anxiety all the time. Acting out is how I express it. At least, according to my therapist.”
“There’s medication for that, you know. I take it. Helps a lot.” She laughs. “Except when there’s bad thunderstorms—for me, at least.”
Quietly, I say, “I’m scared.”
“Of a pill?”
“That it will change me somehow. Filter the world through a duller palette.”
“Doesn’t feel that way to me. I still have my freak-outs, but overall I feel like I handle the anxiety better since I started medication. It used to cripple me. Now at least I try to deal. The medication doesn’t change any situation. It just gives you kind of an extra floor to catch you if you fall.” Li softly nudges her arm against mine; she’s very comforting. “It’s gonna be okay.”
I’m still sore, and I still hate Sam’s ex-boyfriend. I hate how easy it is for Sam to have a harem of cute boy crushes while I’m still stuck on Parker. Sometimes I’m not even sure if I’m still stuck on Parker or, if I’m being truthful, just stuck on the hurt that Parker dumped me. “Jason Goldstein-Chung said I’m awful. Sam didn’t even try to defend me.”
“Jason said KK is awful. She is.”
“Is it horrible that’s what I like about her?”
“It’s not horrible. It’s frustrating.”
I let out a little laugh. That was the last explanation I expected. “Why frustrating?” I ask Li.
“Cuz I would like to hang out with you more. KK monopolizes you.”
“I don’t know about this proposition.” I feel a smile coming across my mouth, despite my best efforts to tamp it down. “Could you try to be more awful?”
“Oh hell yes, I could. Let’s go back downstairs, and I’m going to, like, crush some Dollys, and put Caspian into a shoe, where he belongs, and straight-up tell Sam, That lasagna sucked.”
“You’re a beast, Li. I had no idea.”
“We should hang out more.”
“We should. Why do you have to live in Queens?”
“There are trains that go to Queens.”
“But…so far.”
“I’ve successfully made it from Queens to Manhattan for four years of high school. Trust me, it can be done.”
“I hear the Indian food is good where you live.”
“It is.”
My blood feels less boily. My heart rate has slowed down. I say, “Maybe I don’t need anxiety medication. Maybe I just need you around when I need to calm the fuck down.”
“Weirdly, helping other people calm down helps me calm down. Totally distracts my own anxiety.”
“So this wasn’t a selfless mission to spaz down the bitchheart?”
“Not entirely.”
“Well, thanks anyway.” Thanks for the chocolates and the shawl and the warmth. “It’s nice to be up here, in the quiet.”
We’re looking at each other now, face to face, and we’re leaning into each other, and out of nowhere, Li’s lips land on mine. It’s the sweetest and most unexpected kiss I’ve ever had. It definitely warms me up. It definitely makes me wonder if there could be more. Her breath smells like she just ate the peppermint-flavored chocolate.
She pulls back. “I’m sorry! Was that…okay?”
“It was a surprise. But a nice one.”
“Really?”
“Really.” I have to figure out my brother before I can figure out Li Zhang and how she’s a way hotter mess than I ever realized. I subtly turn my face so she’ll know I’m not planning more lip connection—but not so far away that she’ll think the future potential isn’t there. It is. “Sam doesn’t know it, but I’m going to become Maddy Hogue’s new nanny and live in Czarina’s apartment once the Hogues take possession of it.”
“Is that what this is about? That you haven’t told him yet? I don’t think he’ll be mad. He’ll be happy for you to get to live here.”
“That’s the problem. I want him to be mad. I want him to feel. To rage.”
“Then have it out with him. Tell him that.”
“I don’t want us to become like Czarina and her brother.”
Li looks me intently in the eyes. She asks, “You know what happens after a seismic event in your life?”
“Everything changes.”
“Maybe. But you don’t. You’ll still be the same person you were before it happened, and so will Sam. Your character and heart don’t have to change even if circumstances do. It’s how you deal with the event that determines whether you can handle the fallout.”
That makes both no sense and total sense. “I want to be better than awful,” I admit.
Li takes my hand in hers. It’s more than a friend’s touch, less than a lover’s. A tender in-between of possibility. “Let’s go face your fears,” she says. We stand up. The shawl falls from our shoulders. I never noticed before how silky black her hair is or how sexy her curves are, even under a muumuu. She’s checking me out, too. She points at one of the cats on my dress and says, “Caspian’s right! Geraldine might really have a lazy eye.”
“Is Caspian your favorite at dinner tonight?”
“Of course not. You are.”
She holds on to my hand and leads me back inside to the elevator.
When we return to Czarina’s apartment, we find the worst-case scenario for Sam and Ilsa’s last dinner party.
Sam is playing the piano, accompanied by Johan on a
