“Dammit!” says Li. “I was just writing Tokyo as my place. Now I have to choose someplace else.”
She could have kept Tokyo as her place, but now that she’s announced it, she obviously can’t. Li crosses out the word she’d just written, then uses her spare hand to shield the replacement place she’s writing on her index card.
I don’t know if it’s because everyone’s drunk enough or because they’re just nice and used to Caspian by now, but no one goes for any obvious comments when Freddie has to write Caspian’s choices, since his sock’s hands don’t possess the dexterity to do so themselves. But we see Freddie eyeing us, challenging us to make a cheap joke.
Once everyone has written their choices, I go around the table holding the hat, for the index cards to be dropped into. “Who wants to go first?”
Caspian raises himself into the air. I step to him. Freddie’s free hand dips into the hat.
“Choose one green card and one pink card. If it’s one of yours, put it back in the hat.”
Caspian groans after reading his cards. “I assure you, neither of these choices is my own.”
“What’d ya get, Casp?” KK asks him.
“North Korea and pastrami sandwich. What am I supposed to do with that?”
“Introduce New York deli to the oppressed,” says Li. “Humanitarian work, obviously.”
“Puppetarian?” suggests Johan.
“Proletarian?” suggests Parker.
“Shut up,” says Caspian. “I don’t want to go to North Korea.”
“The sock-puppet passport challenges alone—” Parker says.
“SILENCE!” says Caspian, making a shushing gesture.
“He doesn’t like to be called ‘sock puppet,’ ” says KK.
“SILENCE!” says Caspian again, this time giving KK the shush.
“Don’t self-hate,” Johan advises Caspian. “Embrace your identity.”
“Grip it like a tube sock,” says KK.
This game was not intended to cause meltdowns. So I move to the next person, to get Caspian out of the line of fire. “Let’s get out of North Korea. Much as those needy people could use the pastrami sandwiches. And, Caspian, I think you’d look divine handing them out.” I offer the hat to KK, who draws a pink card and a green card.
“Ooh, Miami!” she calls out.
“Look closer,” says Sam, who somehow knows how to put a KK-attracting scent on the exact card he wants her to choose.
KK looks at a bottom corner of the card, where another word is written. “Miami…OHIO?” She tosses her card in Sam’s direction. “I don’t think that’s even a real place.” She looks at her other card. “And I don’t think a metronome’s a real thing, either.”
“It is,” says Johan. “Look closer at that one, too.”
KK looks closer. “Wind-up metronome? Come on, you’re making this shit up. What’s it, like a transit card you need to get to wind turbines?”
Johan and Sam laugh. Sam says, “It’s an instrument that musicians use to keep time.”
KK says, “Keep it where?”
Parker says, “In the Top-Secret Time-Travel Lab at Miami University of Ohio.”
“Time travel!” says KK. “Now we’re talking. Let’s ask the Sorting Hat when to go somewhere, not where to go.”
“Where would you go?” Li asks her.
Without missing a beat, KK says, “Salem witch trials. Whenever ago they happened.”
There’s a pause around the table as we digest this choice. Finally, “Why?” I ask.
“I love those little white hats they had to wear,” says KK. “With the bows under the chin? Super practical and fucking adorable.”
There’s nothing to do but move on to the next person. I stand before Johan, who dips into the hat and retrieves his cards.
“Nova Scotia. And feral cat.”
“Geraldine!” Caspian hisses. “I know that was your suggestion.” Add psychic to Caspian’s gifts.
Johan says, “I’m not sure where Nova Scotia is, to be honest. Is it fictional?”
Li says, “Only in the sense that the Anne of Green Gables series took place there.” She sing-songs, “Best books ever!”
Sam asks Johan, “Are you trying to pass for American?”
“Never!” Johan exclaims.
“Ignorance of Canada is usually reserved for its neighbors to the south,” Parker tells Johan.
“So Nova Scotia’s in Canada?” Johan asks.
“Yes,” everyone else says.
Johan says, “Well, I’d be delighted to have a feral cat there with me. It could be my muse. I’ll write melodies for it to bounce around to, and I’ll let it nap in my fiddle case for maximum cute appeal for listeners wanting to hear my melodies and drop a few dollars’ donation into the case.”
“It feels like you’d be cheating on Dolly if you let the cat hang out in your fiddle case,” says Caspian.
Johan says, “I assure you that Dolly would only celebrate me letting a feral cat reside in the case dedicated to her music.”
“My turn,” says Parker.
I go to him and he retrieves his cards.
“Bhutan…and a Slanket? What’s a Slanket?”
Li says, “They’re the best! They’re long blankets that are also, like, pajamas that fit over your whole body and you can zip into. Very cozy.”
“Where’s Bhutan?” Caspian asks.
“Near India?” Parker asks, looking to Li to affirm his answer and not because she’s Asian but because she’s the smartest person in the room.
But Li shrugs. “Never heard of the place.”
It’s KK who informs us. “Yes, it’s near India, in the high Himalayas, bordering Nepal and Tibet. It’s a Buddhist kingdom filled with monasteries, fortresses, and stunning mountains and valleys. Bring the Slanket as a gift. They’re very poor but the nicest people in the world and appreciate any Western luxuries. Fill your coat pockets with pencils to give away, too—easiest way to get a radiant smile from a kid.”
There’s another pause around the room as we digest this unexpected compassion from KK. “You’ve been to Bhutan?” Sam asks her.
“Yes,” says KK. “I told my parents to tell people I was in rehab, but really I was on a spiritual quest. And getting killer calf strength from all the mountain climbing.”
“Sometimes I think there’s hope for you,” Sam tells KK.
“Fuck you,” she tells him.
Sam dips into the magic hat. “I think I’ll go to…Prague! With a…bowling ball? I love that. Wandering around the city in search of a bowling alley in Prague,
