‘Why are you being so kind?’ sniffs Jess. ‘Why aren’t you as angry or mistrusting of me as Kate is?’
‘Because I know what my father was capable of and I’ve spent many, many years being angry with him. I would have gone on hating him until my dying day if you hadn’t turned up. You saved me from that – you’ve showed me that some good came from the mistakes he made back then.’
‘Have you remembered anything more about my mother?’ asks Jess quietly. ‘Anything at all.’
Lauren shakes her head.
‘I thought I might go up to Harrogate,’ says Jess. ‘Just to ask around. See if I can jog anyone’s memory.’
‘It was a long time ago,’ says Lauren. ‘I’m not sure that it will help. I can barely remember it myself.’
‘But you definitely saw your dad with a woman,’ says Jess. ‘And a baby.’
Lauren nods. ‘But the memory is getting weaker and weaker.’
‘Because of what Kate and your mum are saying?’
‘I know what I saw,’ says Lauren. ‘But it might not have meant what I think it did.’
‘Why are you backtracking now?’ asks Jess.
‘I’m not,’ says Lauren. ‘I just don’t want to give you the wrong information.’
‘Come with me,’ says Jess, suddenly animated. ‘Let’s go tomorrow. I’ve got the day off. We can get the train from King’s Cross.’
Lauren looks at her as if she’s mad. ‘I can’t.’
‘Why not?’
‘Well . . . because . . .’ Lauren stutters. ‘Because I’ve got three children.’
‘Okay, so let’s take them with us,’ says Jess through a smile. ‘We could all go. I’ll do us some sandwiches and snacks for the train, make a day of it.’
Lauren is momentarily stumped for a valid reason to say no. ‘Look, I don’t think there’s any point in going up there,’ she says.
Jess looks at her, crestfallen.
‘It was twenty-two years ago. Nobody will remember what happened back then. People who were there then won’t be there now. We’d be going on a wild goose chase.’
‘How do you know?’ asks Jess.
Lauren feels a flush of heat creeping up her neck and hopes it’s not visible. ‘Trust me, it will just be a waste of time. You won’t find out who your mother is by trekking halfway up the country.’
‘Okay,’ says Jess, shrugging her shoulders. ‘What about if we don’t have any expectations? What if we just go up there for the day, just because we can? It would be lovely to spend some time with you and the children.’
Lauren is fast running out of excuses. ‘But it’s a long way and I really haven’t got the money for the rail fare.’
‘It’ll be my treat,’ says Jess quickly. ‘I’m getting my first pay cheque on Friday.’
‘Well, that decides it then,’ says Lauren, half laughing. ‘I’m not having you spending your hard-earnt money on me.’
‘It’ll be a small price to pay if it means spending a day with my sister,’ says Jess.
Lauren smiles and looks at her through narrowed eyes. ‘And you won’t be disappointed if we don’t find anything out about your mum?’
‘I promise,’ says Jess.
The doorbell buzzes around the room, shrill and urgent, making Jude jump and stick his bottom lip out before he’s even opened his eyes.
‘Oh shit, sorry,’ says Jess, as Jude launches into a full-on paddy. ‘It’ll probably be someone for one of the other flats. I’ll go and let them in, otherwise they’ll only keep ringing.’
Lauren looks at her watch as she goes to lift Jude out of his seat. ‘He’s probably getting hungry again,’ she says to Jess’s retreating back. She bobs Jude up and down on her shoulder, pacing the floor as she walks the hallway of the flat. She walks into the bathroom at the end, before turning around and poking her head into the open door of a bedroom. Like the rest of the place, Lauren notices that it’s tidy and immaculately clean. Another door stands closed and she tries the handle, but it won’t budge. She twists it the other way and applies a little pressure, but it’s locked tight.
Unperturbed, Lauren walks to the front window in the kitchen, to look out onto the street below. There, propped up against a flowering orchid, are three envelopes, all addressed to Harriet Oakley.
‘My flatmate,’ says Jess, taking Lauren by surprise.
‘Oh, I didn’t mean to . . .’ starts Lauren, letting them fall back onto one another. ‘So the other room . . .’
Jess follows Lauren’s eyes into the hall. ‘Yes, she’s away at the moment,’ she says. ‘It’s her flat actually. She’s just letting me stay until I get on my feet.’
‘That’s nice of her,’ says Lauren, still jiggling Jude in her arms.
‘Could I hold him?’ asks Jess.
Lauren looks at her, still barely more than a child herself as she takes Jude carefully in her arms, bringing his head up to her face to smell him. She wonders what she’s thinking; is she questioning how her parents could have ever given her away? Or is she asking why they didn’t stop to think about that before creating a human being in the first place?
22
Kate
A cold shower is the only thing that brings Kate out of her numb stupor. As she shampoos her hair, her hands grow more and more urgent as she works up a lather.
‘What the hell are they playing at?’ she says over and over.
Hearing herself out loud makes her realize that she’s not trapped in a nightmare, and the harsh reality of the situation has her asking what she’s going to do about it. Whenever she’s had a problem, she’s always been able to turn to Matt, who she knows would have her best interests at heart. But clearly he’s not going to help her out on this one. Her dad would always be a close second, ready to hand out wise advice whenever she needed it, but she has to remind herself that he’s not here, and once again she feels his absence keenly.
Cooler from the shower, but still desperate for some much-needed air, she opens the balcony
