“Ash, I didn’t hurt you, did I?”
“Please just kiss me, Ror.”
I wrapped an arm around her back as I brought my lips down on hers, worried about pushing her too far. The way Ash kissed me as her hands curled around my shoulders showed me she longed for my affection after my brutality.
“I need this,” she murmured against my mouth. “After you fuck me like that, I need you to kiss me and show me you care.”
Her words almost fractured me in two. I pulled away and stared at her.
“Ash…”
She shook her head.
“No, Ror, I know what you’re thinking, that I didn’t like it.” Her hands came up and framed my face. “I loved every moment of it… please trust me on that. I just need you to care for me afterwards, do you understand? I need you to show me I’m your girl and not just your toy when it’s over.”
I’d never had to do that before with any of the other women I’d slept with. They didn’t expect that from me. Ash was different. I cared about her deeply. I wanted to give her the whole fucking universe. My girl. My northern star.
“Okay, little star, if that’s what you need.”
Her tired but satisfied smile lit my whole world on fire. I tugged her closer and held her tight, stroking a hand down her back.
“You mean everything to me,” I whispered in her ear. “Thank you for pushing me. Thank you for being you. You’re setting me free.”
“You mean everything to me too, Ror.”
She kissed my shoulder and all I felt in those moments was pure elation. This girl was the whole fucking world. She’d finally become mine in every way possible. And even though I hadn’t thought I was capable of it. Of feeling this way about anyone. I knew deep down I belonged to her. And so did my heart.
Chapter 16
As soon as we got in my room with the door shut, I pounced on Eric, pushing him up against the wall and planting my mouth on his. I secured his hands, rendering it impossible for him to escape. He did kiss me back but he didn’t seem quite as into it as I’d hoped.
“Xavi,” he mumbled against my mouth.
I pulled back and stared into his eyes.
“What’s wrong?”
He looked away, his face flushing a little.
“I’m not really in the mood.”
I froze, my heart dropping to my feet.
“Oh.” I stepped away from him and rubbed the back of my neck. “I mean, that’s not a problem.”
He put a hand on my arm, but I couldn’t look at him any longer. It’s not as though I felt rejected but a part of me had been gearing myself up to tell him I wanted to go down on him. And now I felt deflated.
“Sorry, I just don’t want to have sex…” His hand ran down my arm and curled around it my wrist. “But I can still touch you in other ways if you’d like.”
I took another step back, feeling less like I wanted to tell him it was the other way around. That I wanted to touch him. Please him. If he wasn’t in the mood then how could I say it? I felt stupid about being so nervous around him. What was fucking happening to me? I was usually the most confident person in the world who didn’t give a shit about anyone else’s opinions. Apparently, Eric was the exception to that rule. I cared far too much what he thought.
Perhaps it was partly down to us fighting so much since Ash had come in our lives. I felt like rocking the boat would bring everything crashing down around me. Things were already precarious as it was.
“No, it’s okay. That’s not… it doesn’t matter.”
I turned away and stripped off my t-shirt, intending to get in bed. It was still early, but I didn’t care. I was fucking exhausted as it was. Knowing I’d have to go to the hospital when Julian got discharged grated on me. I didn’t want to see my father. Not after his fucking blackmail bullshit.
“Hey, Xavi, what’s wrong? Why are you acting so weird today?”
I shrugged as I unbuttoned my jeans, pulling them off too.
“Is this about Julian?”
I wish it was just fucking well about him. That would make it easier.
“No, E, it’s not.”
I felt his hand wrap around my waist as he pressed himself against my back, leaning his chin on my shoulder.
“Then tell me what it is. I don’t like seeing you so agitated.”
Stop being a pussy and talk to him.
My shoulders slumped. Eric wouldn’t leave it alone. He’d get it out of me because that’s just what he did.
“I didn’t want to fuck you… I wanted…” I sighed and rubbed my face, splaying my hand out over my eyes. The next words came out all hoarse and quiet. “I wanted to pleasure you.”
He stroked his fingers down my bare side.
“You did?”
I dipped my head against my chest, dropping my hand.
“Yeah, okay. I want to make you feel good because you’re always doing it for me. I feel…” My fist clenched. Admitting I felt this way at all made my heart fracture. It wasn’t fair. “I feel inadequate when I think about how much she does to please you.”
Well done, Xavier. Admitting your darkest fucked up fear to him which you’ve been keeping hidden since he told you how much he loves being inside Ash.
I knew for a fact it wasn’t a competition. Eric cared about us both. I mean, he loved me for fuck’s sake, but sometimes I didn’t feel as though I was enough for him sexually. Ridiculous since I was perfectly happy to share them both and neither of them ever said they wanted more from me.
He didn’t say anything for a long moment
