Iwas confused, and none of my higher intelligence brain centers told me how tobehave in this situation. I simply didn’t know how to react.
“Wewill prepare the funeral tomorrow. It will be in the clearing a bit fartheraway from the village. Downwind. I will come to pick you up, all right?”
Inodded.
“Ifyou need anything—anything at all—let me know.” She lowered herhead, still looking at me, making sure I understood.
“Yes.”My voice was nothing but a whisper.
Shelooked at me for a few moments. Her body language told me she wanted to comecloser, but she restrained herself.
“I’llgo and tell Mike,” she said.
Inodded.
Shelooped around me and entered Mike’s hut.
Itwas late evening. I felt tired and exhausted, but I could not sleep. I waslooking at the wooden wall of my hut, almost white from the bright moonlight,with a few dark leaf-shaped shadows from the trees outside.
Ididn’t feel sad.
Ifelt empty.
Stevaniondidn’t mean much to me. I didn’t really know him. I had almost never seen him backat Senthia. But now that he was gone, I realized I did miss him. Or, to be moreprecise, I missed the place in my life where he used to be. And although thiswas a very small hole, it reminded me of a much larger hole that I had sealed insideme, a long time ago.
Isighed.
Itwas connected, all of it. Stevanion came with me. And he died.
AndI lived.
AndI knew why.
Ishook my head, trying to chase away these thoughts and place logical barriers aroundmy feelings.
Iwas too late to bring him back to the Anas. I had failed.
Heshouldn’t have come on the port with me. He would have still been alive. Ishould have gone alone.
Ipressed the heels of my palms to my closed eyes.
Itwas my fault we’d been ported here. This was clear to me. And then I’d broughthim to the Humans—and he got the flu.
Mythroat felt tighter, my eyes stung.
Itwas my fault.
Itwas my fault that he died. I shouldn’t have brought him to the Humans. But howcould I have—
Itook a deep breath and held it in. Then I slowly exhaled, placed my arms nextto my body, and tried to relax. Using a trained pattern of breathing techniquesand focused relaxation of all my muscles, one at a time, I calmed myself down.
Ittook more than fifteen passes to completely relax my body, and by then I wasstarting to fall asleep.
Rightthen, I heard footsteps on the wooden bridge leading to my hut, and a momentlater on the outside platform as well. There was a knock on the side of thedoor.
“Dora?”I heard J’s whisper. “Dora, are you awake?”
Myheart rate picked up immediately. I stood and walked to the door. I moved theheavy curtain of leaves. “J?”
“I’msorry, I didn’t want to wake you…”
“No,no, I wasn’t asleep, it’s okay. Do you… do you want to come in?”
Hesmiled but shook his head. “No, that’s fine, you need to get some sleep. I justcame here to tell you that… that I’m very sorry. About Stevanion.”
Helooked down at the floor between us.
“Thankyou, J. I appreciate it.”
“Howdo you feel?” he said, looking back at me. “Are you okay? Do you feel… ill?”
Withthis strange feeling I had in my stomach I almost said that I did, but I knewwhat he was asking, so I shook my head. “No, J. I feel healthy.”
Heexhaled loudly. “Ah, good!”
Oneside of his face was lit by moonlight; the other was in shadow. He opened hismouth to say something but paused for a moment, thinking.
Thenhe closed his mouth, obviously deciding not to voice what he had in mind.Instead, he said, “I should let you get some sleep. Good night, Dora. Sleepwell.”
Inodded. “Good night, J.”
Heturned and walked back to the bridge. I let the curtain drop, then moved a leafjust slightly with my finger so I could still look at him through the gap inthe curtain. Scruffy black hair, thin shirt over his broad shoulders, trousershanging loosely over his hips, the buttock muscles moving as he walked—andI was doing it again! I was eyeinghim just as Julie had said. And I had no idea why!
Afterhe stepped off the bridge, he turned in my direction one more time.
Ifroze in place, stopped breathing, and hoped he didn’t realize I was hidingbehind the curtain, watching him. He then turned and stepped on the neighboringbridge.
Ifinally let out the breath I had been holding in and turned to face the room.
ButI didn’t see it. I didn’t see the wooden floor, the table or the cupboard. Ididn’t notice the intricate moonlight patterns anymore. I saw J, half of hisface in the dark and half lit by silvery light, eyebrows casting a shadow overhis eyes.
Beautiful…
Withmy back against the wall, I slowly sat down. Then I did something unthinkable,something no Senthien would do. I imagined I touched his face, and I couldalmost feel his skin, warm under my palm.
Iclosed my eyes and sighed.
Abouttwo hundred people gathered around the clearing, even more than at the bonfire.I was standing close to Old Mike. Next to him were Tania and Peter. J wasstanding just behind me. Although all of them were careful not to stand tooclose to me, with so many people it was impossible to give me my needed IP space.I was entering their interpersonal space, and they were entering mine. Butsomehow, at this very moment, I did not mind.
Itwas strange, being at Stevanion’s funeral. I didn’t know what to feel or how toact. The only person linking me to my Uni world was now white and rigid, lyingon a platform of wood and branches, in his skinsuit once again. His hands werecrossed on his chest, and underneath them was a small branch with thicksucculent leaves. This, I assumed, meant something, but I didn’t want to ask.Not now.
Ifelt empty and I felt lost. I felt like running with no direction, but I alsofelt like falling, deep, deep underground.
Andsomehow, having all these people around me, surrounding me, entering my IPspace, actually helped me in the strangest way.
Theirpersonal spaces acted like bubbles, and they pressed against me from all sides.
Theysupported me.
Andkept me from falling.
Mikestepped forward and then turned around to face
