“Even your first boyfriend?”
“Oh hell no.” Victor smiled. “He was great, we had a great time. He was such a pendejo. He was a liar, he drank like a fish, he stole things. Funny as hell, terrible temper, always in trouble with his mouth.” His smile faded. “I still hate that he died. It wasn’t his fault or my fault, neither of us did anything to deserve that. Nobody deserves that.”
“Did you ever feel that you did deserve it?”
“No. I was in the closet for Mama, not because I hated myself.”
Robyn nodded, and made a note. “So what happened next?”
He knew she meant with Andy. “Did a little cleanup. Went to sleep.
When we woke up he said he was hungry, so we went in the kitchen and then it was like one in the morning, right? He didn’t ask me to stay, but he didn’t tell me to get out, either. I didn’t ask. I just didn’t leave. Didn’t want to leave.
After a while we started kissing again. And then we were back on the couch doing sixty-nine, and I’d only done that twice before, and Jesus. Even with condoms, with that mouth, my God.” Victor could tell Robyn was trying not
to laugh. “Yeah, I was never so glad as when he said we didn’t need them anymore. We were both clean.”
“When was that?”
“Early, like a month in, after we cooled off enough to talk history and open up the charts. I won’t lie, I was worried.”
“Because he was older?”
“That, and he’d been in New York in the eighties.”
“Had you been with other people in between?”
“Neither of us was with anybody else after that first night. It was sixteen months from the first to the second. He said he’d always been super careful because when he moved to New York it was right in the middle of the AIDS
epidemic. Everyone was careful, unless they wanted to die, or unless it was too late for them.”
Robyn made a movement, almost a shudder. “Were you that careful?”
“Before? No, I was lucky. Lucky there was hardly anybody I could be with. I wasn’t picking people up at random.” But this was about him and Andy. “He took some pictures. He asked, and I was in this kind of dream state. We slept again, and then we were kissing again. I stopped thinking about the next day, about what happened next. When it started to heat up again he didn’t even ask. Put me up against the wall and was getting me ready. I’d taken it before, a couple times. Didn’t a hundred percent like it.
Even so I was like, well, okay. Anything. Anything he wanted. And then he did this thing.”
After a moment Robyn asked, “What thing?”
“Wrapped his hand around my throat. I was like, what the fuck. Almost scared, you know? Wasn’t expecting that, or anything like it.”
“Did you think he was going to hurt you?”
“Wouldn’t have been the first time.” For some reason it seemed important to say, “I kind of expected it. Taking it, that can hurt. He’s taller, he’s got … well, use your imagination.” Robyn did laugh then. “Anyway.
There I was, braced on the wall. I could feel his ring against the side of my trachea, right here.” He touched his neck. “Then his lips were against my face, this brush of a kiss. I realized he wasn’t gripping.” Victor showed Robyn the difference between curved fingers and the way Andy’s hand was.
A dancer’s hand, strong, but graceful and open. “You’ve seen his hands. He
stroked down my neck, then back up to cup my jaw.” He did it to himself, showing her. “He turned my face like this and kissed me, and I fucking melted. He said something.” He thought back. “What did he say? Really low, really soft. What was it. Can’t remember.” Victor let his hand fall, shaking his head, half laughing. “Anyway, he dances, he still does the morning class thing. I go out and watch sometimes, do part of it with him. He makes that shape with his hand and it’s like I can feel it. Never fucking fails.”
“So is that why you signed the release?”
He thought about it. “Because he could have hurt me, and didn’t?
Maybe. Yeah, maybe so.”
“You put your life in his hands.”
“Literally. And I know that’s part of why what I did hurt him. It was giving and taking away at the exact same moment. But he forgave me. He always does. Because he loves me.” And I don’t deserve it, he started to think, and then corrected himself. That was a reflex, based on nothing but fear, fear that had no foundation. He loved Andy with everything he had.
Andy knew it. “And I deserve it. I deserve to be loved.”
Robyn permitted herself a small smile. “Good work today. Same time next week?”
“Yeah, thanks.” Victor got himself together and went out, still wondering about those words he couldn’t remember. Wondering if Andy would. They’d said a lot of things to each other that night, and it was years ago. It bothered him that he couldn’t remember something from that night, from that moment.
He went to collect Loretta from the spa at The Grove. They picked up a few things from the farmer’s market, taking a chance on a moment of normality. She was dressed casually, wearing sunglasses and a hat, looking like a pretty but probably-not-famous Los Angelena. People did
