Victor had scaled back to one-hour sessions with Robyn after a few more late-night and early-morning talks with Andy. He was being more open about his insecurities; Andy was breaking off pieces of his own protective shell. “I never realized how much we were both hiding,” Victor told Robyn. “It always seemed like we were completely open with each other.”
“History can hide for a long time when the present day is action-packed,”
she said. “You two haven’t had this kind of time before.”
“It’s so unbelievably great. I always felt like, I don’t want to miss a
thing. There’s so much there. He’s so complicated. But yeah, we were always so busy. We’re still busy, but we get to do a lot more together. Going to the gym, going to the beach. Taking twenty minutes or an hour, or two hours, to simply sit and be together and talk, it’s such a luxury. I was at a meeting the other day and mentioned I was taking time off, and this one guy said ugh, how can you stand it.”
“What did he mean?”
“He meant both things. Taking time off, not working, but also being with Andy so much. I didn’t want to ask, but I thought, don’t you want to be with your wife? Do you work so you can avoid her?”
“It’s not uncommon.”
“Ugh.” He made a face. Robyn suppressed a smile. “I think we’re doing the right thing. I think we needed this.”
“I think so too.”
“It all comes down to time, doesn’t it. I’m never going to get enough with him, enough of him, because we found each other so late.” Victor sighed, trying to relax in the big wing-back chair. “I’m trying not to wish, you know? Not to be resentful about what we can’t have. I want to make the best of it.”
“How do you think all this relates to what happened this summer?”
“Now I’m starting to think it was all about the shooting. About being so close to losing it all. I think that triggered me in a way I didn’t even recognize.” Robyn didn’t say anything, simply waited. Victor let the words come. “Me being jealous of people from his past is nothing more than me wishing I’d been there instead. It’s got nothing to do with Alonzo or any of those other guys. But there was also this thing, you know, he had so many people when Ronnie died. When I lost Mama, I had Tía Susana back in Jalisco, and that was it. My cousins, none of them really knew me. I’d been away for almost twenty years. Here in L.A., nobody really knew me except Andy. I think me going off in July was because of that. You had all those people, and all I have is you. I would have laid down my life for you, and if I’m not enough for you I am nothing.”
Robyn let that sit for a minute. “Do you still feel that way?”
“No. It’s not even true now, it’s a holdover from back then. I’ve got more friends than I have time for. We were talking about it, though. About
the actual event, which we haven’t talked much about up to now. I said some of this stuff, pretty much exactly. He said, do you remember what I said the morning after? And I kind of didn’t. I was drugged up, not really in my right mind. I know I told him why I did it. How I saw Stan looking behind us and knew, like I could see it, where the gun was. And I launched because I could not let him die. He said something then that I didn’t really remember. He reminded me. It was, if he had killed you, do you think I could live with that for one fucking day.”
“So then what happened.”
“Well, there was some crying.” Victor half-laughed. “We’ve both been doing more of that this past year than I think we ever have. He said, if I lost you, I would survive because of our friends. They wouldn’t let me not survive. But there would be this giant hole where you used to be. Nothing and no-one could fill that. I wouldn’t even try. You are my one true love.”
Victor swallowed, took a deep breath, and blinked away tears. “He said, I would be walking around without my heart for however long it took me to actually die.”
Robyn reached for the Kleenex box, took two for herself, and passed the box to Victor. After a few minutes she said, “Well. What did you say?”
“I didn’t try to say anything. I was a mess. I took him to bed.”
“Did that work?”
Victor coughed out a laugh. “Yeah, that worked.”
“So what’s next?”
“Well, we’re rehearsing this new dance that we’ll perform in November.
In December we’ll start working with our arranger on this concert for April, and we’re going over to Miami to see Eva for Christmas. Andy’s brushing up his tap, I’m taking jazz lessons. A couple of friends are doing choreography for us for the April thing. We bought the house next door. That’ll be a long-ass project, but there’s not much we have to do personally aside from write checks.”
“You bought another house.” Robyn’s tone was rich with disbelief.
“Well, it was an eyesore, and we want a pool.” He could tell she was trying not to laugh. “We’ll probably have tenants again. That’s if we can turn this shithole into a duplex.”
“Is it that bad?” Victor got his phone out to show her a picture of the
house next door. All the encroaching trees had been cut down so the inspector could
