Andy started to say something reflexively bitchy and then stopped. “Give me a second.”
Dana was amazed. “Are you actually thinking about that?”
“I would be if you would shut up. I love you,” he added, knowing she already knew that. Because she did, Dana didn’t say anything. It was close to half a minute – she had her eye on the sweep second hand on her wristwatch
– before he said, “Is that what we’ve been trying to do? Pack so much in thinking we’re buying time?”
The ‘we’ was unexpected. That meant it was both of them, and it was a relief because it meant she was right about the why. “Haven’t you talked about this with your therapist?”
“Not … exactly.” Edged close to it, maybe.
“I understand, you know. You waited a long time for him, and then you almost lost him. He never had anyone before you, and then he almost died.
You must both have moments when you think, we have to do this now because we may not have tomorrow.”
Andy was silent for another half a minute. He could have said, you know how we are together. Could have said, we’re taking all this time off. And it
really was both of them; Victor never stopped either. “I hear you.”
“Remind me what you have between now and the end of the year.”
“Only ‘Spy Games,’ and going to Miami. Oh, and the painter guy from England is coming out for a few days in between, we’re going to have a little party while he’s here. I’ll send you the info.”
“Okay. A two-night performance, a house guest, and a trip to see your mom. Do me a favor and don’t add anything to that, would you? Because I happen to know Tanith is contracting her new movie, because we are in it, and I also know that you guys are in it, which means you’re going to be even more insanely busy starting in January.”
“Ugh, I know. You’re right. It’s,” he stalled for a second. “It’s because everything he does is so great, and he never says no, and I wasted so much fucking time.” He’d never said that out loud, he’d even denied it, but on some level he felt every day before Victor had been wasted. He said it in a rush, speaking only for himself, even though he knew, he knew, Victor felt the same way. He didn’t dare say anything else.
Dana heard his voice go wrong and thought oh my God do not cry. She wasn’t sure if that was aimed at her friend or herself. After a second she said,
“Andy, you haven’t wasted a minute in your whole life. If you dropped dead right now you would have accomplished more than most people would in a hundred years. Everything you’ve done with Victor is great, yes. But just being together, it’s important. My therapist told me that. You know I never really had anyone before Rory. I didn’t have any bad habits, but I had to learn how to be with somebody. And sometimes it’s the only thing that saves a shitty day. Getting home from the set and there she is with the pack, and something smelling great in the kitchen, and a smile. We sit in that reading chair. If we were praying people, that would be what we give thanks for. It’s not for the shows we’ve done or anything like that. It’s that we’re together.
Don’t be afraid to give yourselves those moments.”
Andy let what she was saying sink in, promising himself he’d take it out later and think about it. For the moment he checked his breathing, decided he could speak without betraying himself, and said, “I promise I won’t start any more fires before the end of the year.”
“All right then. I’m going to ask if Rory wants to go back to Guam to see her granny. Give Victor a kiss for us.”
“Give the cherubim one for us. Bye chica.” Andy disconnected. Then he
tipped his head back and blinked hard, pinched the bridge of his nose, and thought, she is right. He wasn’t sure why these words at this time had knocked him sideways. Dr. LaSalle would probably say ‘because it’s something you already knew.’
It was something he’d have to catch over and over again. His heart believed they were forever. If his brain didn’t – quite, and for a very good reason called ‘a bullet’ – he could at least act like it did. Everyone told him he was a good actor. Maybe if he was convincing enough, Victor would begin to believe in their forever too.
He started that night, after dinner. Victor said, “Are you going to read?
Because if so I might work on the laptop for a while.”
Andy wasn’t sure if reading counted as doing something, but he was fairly certain him reading while Victor worked did not count as ‘being together,’ not in the way Dana meant. So he said, “No, why don’t you put in a movie and let’s cuddle.” That never felt like wasted time.
Victor looked surprised, and also pleased. “Okay.” Ten minutes later they were stretched out together, watching ‘Galaxy Quest’ for the umpteenth time. Molly was on the couch with them, and it was heaven.
November 2019
Victor spent the rest of the week in one or the other pair of heels. There was nonstop bitching. They rehearsed their ‘Spy Games’ number with his regular shoes, in his Latin shoes, in the lower heels, and in the sky-high heels.
Andy advised on posture, kept his opinions about heel management mostly to himself, and freely shared his opinion of how the heels affected Victor’s walk. They were both in the main house on Saturday morning, sitting at the dining table catching up with messages after breakfast, when
