I stared as Drake reached out and took my hand that I'd limply laid on the armrest. I felt his warm skin wrap around mine. Part of me wanted to pull away, but I refrained. I studied his long, thick fingers. Thought of how they'd aroused and soothed me countless times over the years since I'd met him. They'd never intentionally harmed me against my will. Not like Jimmy's had. Yet as I'd told Malcolm this morning, one could still be hurt on the inside. Drake's words—or lack thereof—had already done so much damage.
"I know it doesn't excuse anything." Drake's eyes were shiny as I looked up at him, his lower lip trembling. "But as you well know, he has a way of dropping subtle hints. You don't always realize he's convincing you to change until you already have. Other than Malcolm, I'd never met anyone who'd been in the role of Master longer than I have been. So when Jimmy offered to give me some pointers, I was all ears. He told me that by being more controlling, I would only heighten our bond. Full submission is what makes the slave happiest. If she is working outside the home, she cannot be completely happy because she isn't able to put all of herself into serving her Master. If I eliminated the distraction, you would feel less stress about our roles and would eventually be happier. Remember, all I knew about the 24/7 lifestyle I learned from him. Again, it's no excuse, but the changes required to get that deeper commitment just made sense. I was wrong. I know it now."
"Any stress I had was about your decision to change us!" I was sobbing now. "I thought what we had was good. I was already happy."
Drake squeezed my hand. "I see that now."
"I admit, it is partially my fault, too."
"Daphne, don't," Malcolm said, his voice low. Firm. Apparently, he had been listening still.
I shook my head. "No, Malcolm. I didn't tell Drake all of the details about Jimmy. We've always had the habit of letting bygones be bygones. Maybe if I had been more upfront, he would have been better prepared. Seen through Jimmy's lies sooner. Our decision to not discuss our history with previous lovers is a big factor in all of this. I agreed to remain silent. It definitely didn't help."
Malcolm sat down in the empty chair, the chair where Drake had started his cathartic meltdown. He frowned as he propped his elbows on the padded arms and steepled his hands beneath his chin. He held my gaze as he seemed to contemplate my words. There was no sound except for the ticking of the clock on the mantle, as if everyone were holding their breath. I know I was.
Then he nodded, which surprised me. "You said it yourself just yesterday. The past in the past. We can't change what has happened. We can only move forward."
The question was, how the hell did we do that now?
I could see why Becca said she liked to hide up in the observation room. It was very peaceful. With the windows opened to the sky, the sound of the ocean and the vast expanse above made me feel as if I was in my own private world. Especially at night.
It had been three days since Drake had made his confession. Since I'd spoken to him. He'd returned to California due to work. Malcolm and Becca had insisted I remain behind. I'd thanked them profusely and stayed out of their way as much as possible.
But Drake was coming back Friday night. I had a decision to make, as did he. A life-changing one that seemed to be harder to determine the more I thought about it. Two more days to ruminate on if I still wanted to be married...to be submissive to Drake Rockland.
I sipped my glass of strawberry lemonade, wishing it was wine. For the first time, I regretted not telling Drake to put on a damn condom three weeks ago. But neither of us could change that. I had to face the consequences of my actions, come what may.
The truth he'd dealt had been brutal. Unexpected. And it had rocked my already unsettled world. I wish I'd known the guilt my new husband had been dealing with. I could have supported him. Possibly prevented the further devastation Jimmy had brought upon our family.
While Drake was far from blameless, he'd had good intentions. He'd tried so hard to do what he thought was right for us. But his plan had backfired. Instead of a new mentor, he'd found a wolf in sheep's clothing. And he'd been ripe for taking the bait. In the end, instead of strengthening the bond between us, he'd pushed me away.
It had evolved so slowly, I had been complacent and not realized the trouble we were in until it was almost too late. I'd also been determined that I would stick it out with him no matter what. I loved him too much to leave. Before I knew Jimmy had reentered my life, I had been very close to accepting that I would take whatever Drake threw at me just to be with him. Even if that included his fist.
Thankfully, he had not gone down that dark path to physical abuse. I hadn't seen the sadistic side like I had with Jimmy. But that didn't stop me from wondering if he was capable of it.
I was still wounded by his words. Broken. Before he'd left, he'd apologized again for his secrecy as tears streamed down his face. That he hadn't wanted to hurt me. He'd begged me to forgive him. I'd not made any promises.
Now as I stared out at the blanket of stars, I ruminated on the events of Friday night. Jimmy
