The weight of that thought settled in Suzanna’s chest like a stone, and her steps slowed. Inching one foot in front of the other as she moved along, she thought back to how she’d had that very same fear when her mama was taken away to the hospital. For months on end, she’d barely slept. At night, she’d listened for the sound of the door closing or her daddy’s car pulling out of the drive. When the long afternoons stretched into evening, she’d wander from room to room, checking that her mama’s dresses were still hanging in the closet and her daddy’s ashtray on the table beside his chair. Night after night, she went to bed worrying that the next morning would be the one when she’d wake and find the ashtray gone or the closets emptied out.
Annie deserved better than that.
She was still a child; a child who needed the security of a loving family and a home to call her own. That was something she’d not had with Earl. Suzanna thought about it for a moment and could not recall even one time when he’d lifted Annie into his arms and told her how very special she was.
As she thought back on those turbulent years, tears filled Suzanna’s eyes. Although she’d loved Annie from the moment she’d first felt movement inside her belly, she’d not shown it as a mother should. Moving in with Earl was a mistake. She’d done it not for Annie but because it made life easier for her.
Her second mistake was not offering Bobby Doherty the chance to know the beautiful child they’d created together. Back then she’d reasoned that he didn’t care about Annie, but the truth was that her pride prevented her from asking. Was living this lie, pretending to be Darla Jean, going to be her third mistake? Was she doing it for herself, or this time was she doing it for Annie?
Suzanna thought back to that first night when she’d stayed at Ida’s because it was a convenience, a cozy bed instead of a park bench. Something that made life easier for her; it was the same reason she’d moved in with Earl. That thought churned in her stomach until the bitterness of it rose into her throat and remained there.
She stopped, stood for several minutes then turned and walked back toward the school. A single question circled through her mind over and over again. What was better for Annie? To stay meant forever living with the risk of exposure. To leave meant losing the grandma Annie had already come to love.
When she reached the school, she glanced down at her watch: 9:15.
She could go in, get her daughter, and make it to the bus station in time to catch the 10:30 Greyhound to New Jersey. Annie’s class wouldn’t be dismissed until noon; by then it would be too late. She was the child’s mama; she could claim a family emergency and say her daughter was needed at home. She hesitated a moment and thought about Annie’s reaction.
But, Mama, you said we really are Parkers, so why do we have to leave Grandma?
Suzanna sat on a bench opposite the school playground and tried to think it through. It seemed as if there were two voices battling inside her head. One asked, Why put yourself at risk? The other argued, For once in your life, do what’s right for Annie.
Had all those years of living with her father made her like him? Selfish, thinking only of himself; was she really any different? She’d hated him for not being what a parent should be. Was she destined to make the same mistake?
The sun climbed higher in the sky, and the minutes ticked by as the voices argued first one side and then the other. Then a single thought settled in her mind. To admit the lie meant forever losing Annie’s trust. Knowing that was a truth she couldn’t change, she made a decision.
She would be Darla Jean; not simply pretend but force herself to believe it right down to the core of her being. She would think like Darla Jean, act like Darla Jean, and be the kind of mother Darla Jean would have been. It wasn’t enough to simply love Annie; she had to protect her and to do that she had to give her soul over to becoming Darla Jean. As of this day, Suzanna Duff would cease to exist. The memory of whatever came before would be wiped away. There would be no more Bobby Doherty, no more Earl, no more memories of her father. Annie would be first and foremost in every decision she made. She had made any number of mistakes in her life, but this time she would get it right. Annie would never live the life she’d lived; she would see to it. Annie would now and forever be Darla Jean’s daughter.
And if the day ever came when Suzanna’s identity was challenged, she would stand bare-faced and swear it was what she’d always believed.
Moments after she’d made her decision, a bell rang and the double doors of the school swung open. Annie came running out hand in hand with another little girl and broke into a smile when she saw Suzanna waiting. As they headed home, she bubbled over with stories telling of her new best friend and the wonderful time they’d had.
Walking together, the tiny hand held securely in hers, Suzanna prayed that for once in her life she’d made the right decision.
Ida
Opening a Door
IDA SAT AT THE
