“I remember you mentioning that during our first session. Have there been any episodes of aggression since then?”
“No, but I worry about it. What if I’m too damaged to have a normal life?”
Michael barked a laugh, and Rob glared at him.
“You don’t have to make fun of me. It isn’t funny.”
“No, I know that. There aren’t any guarantees, and everybody is different. In my experience, people worry too much about losing control. I can’t say it won’t happen again, but it seems to me you’re doing what you need to so that it doesn’t.”
“What about marriage? Or children? Will it be safe for me to have a family, or will they always be at risk?” God, he’d die if he hurt a child, especially his own.
“I think the key is managing your symptoms, talking about what you experience, and doing the emotional work you need to. That way you’ll move in the right direction.”
“What do you mean ‘the right direction?’”
“Staying in the here and now. By staying connected to the present, there’s less likelihood of being sucked into the past and the shit you experienced.”
Rob nodded thoughtfully. “It seems like that means staying out of my head. The more I ruminate and worry, the more I get sucked into bad memories. Right?”
“That’s it. Sometimes it may be out of your control, because something will trigger a flashback or memory, but the more practice you have identifying your triggers, the more we can work on managing them when they happen. For example, a lot of guys trigger at the sound of gunfire or explosions. July Fourth celebrations can send them into a panic. You can plan for that. We’ll set up some ways for you to ground yourself when a trigger occurs. You can also let people around you know what’s likely to set you off. Sometimes, you avoid those situations. Other times, you’ll practice responding differently. That’s how to regain control. It may not work all the time, but it’s a good place to start.”
“How long will it take for me to get to a place where it’s safe to propose and get married?”
“Hard to say. I suspect you’ll know when the time is right. The issue isn’t that you’re messed up. The issue is that you don’t trust yourself. Until you do, I suspect you won’t make that commitment because you’ll be too worried.”
Rob nodded. It made sense. As he drove home, he thought about what he needed to do. Damn it. He wanted to move through this shit as quickly as possible. He wanted a future with MJ, and he wanted them to start their lives together now. “Not realistic,” he reminded himself, talking out loud into the silence.
They already had a serious relationship. They’d already started their lives together. They lived together. Why was he making this so complicated? They’d been together for nearly six months. Could that be long enough for him to decide he wanted forever with her? They’d fallen in love quickly. Living together and raising a dog together had turned things intense. Could he replace Trevor in her heart? She said he had, but how could they trust something this fast? They had a lot more talking to do.
After getting home, as soon as he’d let Maverick out into the backyard, he felt his phone vibrate. He looked at the screen. Tyler Mathews.
“Hey, Tyler. What’s up?”
“I talked to my neighbor, Jethro Gordon. He wants to meet you. Would tomorrow be a good day?”
“Sure. What time?”
“Around nine. I finish feeding the horses by then.”
“That works for me. I’m looking forward to seeing his place.”
“Yeah, I think he’ll be a good source of information for you. He’s in his seventies and has been running cattle his whole life. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
***
MJ had been making lists all morning. They were hosting Thanksgiving dinner next Thursday for Mom, Nick, and Tess, and Tyler and his brother, Jason. They’d divided the food and drink, so that all she had to provide was the turkey, dressing, gravy, and mashed potatoes. Since she had never hosted a holiday dinner, it helped that she only needed to focus on a few items. That would challenge her enough.
When she finished her shopping list, her thoughts turned to date night. Rob was in charge of what they’d do this weekend, and it would be her turn the following weekend.
It needed to be something he’d like. The idea that popped into her head was obvious. They were in the foothills of the Smokies. They ought to do something that would introduce him to the area. Maybe a hike if the weather cooperated. If it was cold and wintery, a hike wouldn’t be very enjoyable, but they could drive along the Foothills Parkway. Or go to Dollywood. Jeez, they hadn’t even driven to Carpenter’s Cove yet. Those were all things that people who grew up in this area did several times a year. Too bad the peak season for the change in colors of the trees had passed. Even driving around in the mountains was spectacular in the fall, and they’d missed it this year.
She looked up as she heard the front door open and smiled when she saw it was Rob, bearing a bag of food. Perfect timing.
“What did you bring me?” she whispered, as he got closer.
“I thought we could split a salad, chips, and a barbequed pork sandwich,” he
