I gritted my teeth, willing myself to just fucking say it instead of hedging.
Vyra was right about me. My pride, my utter confidence that I was always right, was going to be my undoing.
“I believe I could hold the Sword again,” I started to say, but Lucifer’s silver eyes seemed to be boring holes in me, he was staring so hard.
“What did you do, Melisande?”
My heart pounded in my throat, filling my mouth with the taste of copper.
“There won’t be an inverse sword.” I whispered it, my tongue feeling thick. I’d ruined everything with my own ego. “I gave him… something else.”
Lucifer rose swiftly, cursing. “Fuck.” He strode to the window, then whirled around. “All of our plans were banked on that fucking sword, Melisande! Every one of them! It all falls apart without the inverse sword!”
My lungs hung in my chest like a weight, unable to breathe. Everything was numb.
“None of us can touch the Sword of Light,” he said, a breath away from a snarl. “We won’t find another cache of raw ebonite just lying around. It’s all fucked now.”
Without another word, he climbed through the window and took flight, leaving just a few downy feathers spiraling behind him and a tense silence.
My fists balled at my sides, and I focused on just taking another breath, and another.
Even the bond between Azazel and I felt chilly.
The Watcher looked down, as if he couldn’t bear the sight of me, and began to dissolve. “I’ll go to the smith and see if any of this situation can be salvaged.”
I stepped forward, feeling like I was walking on wooden feet. “Azazel, wait-”
He dissolved completely, fading from my grasp when I reached for him. Even his stars winked out quicker, leaving nothing of him behind.
I licked my lips, standing at the window clutching open air, and slowly lowered my hands.
I didn’t deserve them back, because everything I touched, I destroyed through arrogance. Wrath and pride were my faults, chained around my neck, dooming me to always drag down everything I loved.
I turned around to find Tascius silently watching me.
“Do you want to go, too?” I asked, gesturing lifelessly to the door. “If I’m going to fuck everything up, I might as well go all the way.”
He rose from the chair and slowly crossed the room. I lowered my gaze, watching his feet, then his legs come into view, but I couldn’t summon tears despite the ache in my heart.
If I deserved this rejection, then I’d bear it as best I could.
“A sword is a sword, a feather is more than a feather,” Tascius said musingly. “You know I put faith in what the seers say.”
I nodded.
“What did you ask him to make?”
At that, I shook my head. “I can’t tell you yet. Not until I’m sure it’s done properly. Please believe me, it’s not… it’s not for a selfish cause.”
I dared to look up at him, feeling cold as ice inside.
Instead of leaving me, Tascius wrapped his arms around me, pulling me against him in a tight hug. I released a breath I hadn’t known I’d been holding, grabbing onto him like my life depended on it.
“I admire your stubbornness, Melisande, but now that you have us, we need you to be more open.”
I closed my eyes, praising every deity out there that at least one person wasn’t furious with me. “I’m so sorry. I’ve spent years being molded into a soldier expected to make independent decisions on my own. I’m not used to relying on people, or caring what they think, or asking them their opinions. I know I’ve fucked up endlessly, but… I’m still learning. I’ve gone from being alone to being surrounded by people. It’s damn hard to share my mind sometimes.”
“They’ll come around.” Tascius kissed the top of my head. “But you’re going to have to shelve your pride and understand that you don’t work alone anymore, little friend. Sharing and relying on us is not a weakness.”
“Okay. Fine.” I took a deep breath. “From this day out, if I have a plan, I share it. I will just… ask.”
Tascius stroked my shoulders until I no longer felt quite as cold and numb inside. I didn’t deserve his patience and understanding, but nor could I bring myself to pull away from it.
“Thank you, big friend,” I said against his chest, and he squeezed me tighter.
When Lucifer and Azazel failed to reappear hours later, and not even the training arena gave me the outlet I needed for my nervous energy, Tascius finally pulled me away and draped a cloak around my neck, obscuring my wings.
“Let’s go,” he said firmly.
“Go where?”
“Anywhere. Let’s look for Belial. You’re driving Vyra mad with all the pacing, and you’re not going to feel any better doing nothing but beating yourself up.”
I followed him onto the street, ducking my head. “I deserve to feel bad.”
“Wallowing in self-pity won’t help either, friend. Now you know what not to do, so don’t do it again.”
I looked up at him and squared my shoulders. “You’re into tough love, huh?”
Tascius draped an arm around me. “It beats watching you tear yourself up inside. What’s done is done; they’ll forgive you if you make an effort to trust us.”
I looked up and down the streets of the Nightside and blew out a breath. “Okay. The only place I can think of to look for Belial that we haven’t checked is the Consortium, but I have no idea why he’d be holed up there.”
“We’ll look anyways.” Tascius steered me down the street, seeming completely oblivious to the side-eyed looks people gave him.
Perhaps it was because he was so obviously Nephilim- if he’d had wings, there would’ve been no doubt that he was a prince- but demons scattered out of the way anywhere he passed, some openly staring.
I started to understand what he meant by wanting to be caged in an arena. Not only did he stand out like a sore thumb, but with his relentless, mindless Nephilim
