“I knew Greg had a stash of codeine pills in his drawer. I thought I’d die without Caleb, and I couldn’t handle the pain of betrayal I felt. So I overdosed. I dumped a handful of pills into my mouth—”
Whoa. This was not what Cole expected to hear at all. Coldness hit him to the core and adrenaline tingled through his body. How could this incredible, stable woman have been so hard on herself? He didn’t doubt she was amazing, even then. Sudden, unexplainable rage breezed through him like a brushfire. Not at her. For her.
“It’s okay,” Cole said, holding her tightly as her tears spilled faster. “You don’t have to go back there. I understand.”
Saylor cried against his chest. Cole stroked her hair and rubbed her back. His pulse raced, his throat ached, and he wished there was some way to alleviate her heartache. He couldn’t imagine feeling low enough to want to cease existing.
Eventually, Saylor pulled away again. “My cousin, Beckham, was there. He got me to the ER. He stood by my side until my parents could get me out of Rexburg. It’s why I’m living here, in Twin Falls. I needed a fresh start, where not everywhere I turned reminded me of Caleb.”
“And then you met your husband,” Cole said, instantly regretting the words. He didn’t mean to bring up another difficult subject. She was already struggling as it was.
“David helped me with that, with my full recovery, with piecing my heart back together and realizing I was worth loving after all. But my brother—”
“You blame him.” Cole’s statement held no judgment. Only an attempt at understanding.
Saylor hung her head. “I know I shouldn’t. He’s trying to change, I know that. It’s just—if he’d kept it together, he could have helped me. Not condemned me.
“The choice was my own—I know. I just—it’s something I’ve got to come to grips with. Then this morning, having Greg appear, the last thing I wanted was to have him meet you.”
“You’re that embarrassed by me?” Cole’s joke lacked the usual amount of mirth he was able to add to things.
She smiled, though it didn’t flash in her eyes. “The opposite, actually. I’m embarrassed by him. I don’t want him in my life, but he’s my brother.”
Cole wetted his lips. He retreated a single step, needing space, to think. Not more than an hour ago, Norah had been prodding him to whisk Saylor away and elope with her. Even though he hadn’t really planned to, the weirdest thing was, it had seemed like a good option.
Now, discovering truth from her past, conflict tightened every one of his muscles. He didn’t know much about depression or suicide, not having dealt with it extensively, but if that was the reason she’d attempted it once before, wouldn’t it be better for her if she didn’t get too attached to him?
What if he broke her heart without meaning to? She’d warned him, before their first kiss. She’d said she had a hard time letting go. Maybe he should have listened.
He never wanted to be the reason she sank that low ever again.
Cole parroted Norah’s advice. “Someone wiser than I am said, ‘the past is the past.’ Let it stay there.”
“How?” Saylor wiped her cheeks.
“Honesty,” he said, passing on the Prescott’s advice.
She stared at nothing. “You’re saying I should talk to Greg.”
“I’m saying it’s okay for us to have mistakes in our pasts. They make us who we are now. You wouldn’t be the amazing mother you are, or the woman...”
The woman I’m falling in love with.
A lump clogged his throat. He wanted to say it. He’d been planning on saying it, but how could he now? He couldn’t allow himself to finish the words. Not if it meant hurting her more later.
Spearing across her cheeks. Lifting the corners of her mouth, displaying her perfect teeth, flickering all the way into her tear-stained eyes, she smiled. Genuine and bursting and irreplaceable. As though she knew what he hadn’t spoken.
That made this all the worse.
Cole took a deep breath. He hated to shatter that smile, but he had to. If it was best for her, he had to not let whatever this was between them get any more involved. How could he guarantee another moment like last night wouldn’t happen? That Brooke wouldn’t show up again or something else to make Saylor doubt him as easily as she had?
Brooke was pushy and obnoxious, and undoubtedly she would pull some trick to give Saylor the wrong impression again. He had to do what he could to keep that from happening. He couldn’t be the reason she got hurt again.
Saylor’s expression began to mirror his hesitation. Her smile fell just enough.
“I wonder,” he began, clearing his throat. The words didn’t want to come. He urged them to anyway. “I wonder if it might be best for us to take a step back.”
Her chin quivered. “What?”
He tugged at his collar. “We’ve been moving pretty quickly. Maybe, under the circumstances, it might be better to take a break from one another. See other people. Make sure we’re completely compatible.” It was pathetic as far as excuses went. He didn’t want to tell her the real reason, though. He was protecting her. He was doing this for her.
The pain in her eyes was unmistakable, but worse than that was the shield that slid down after it. It was almost as though she’d trained herself to dim the lights there. She retreated away from him. Straightened her shoulders.
“A break,” she repeated. All traces of cracked sadness in her voice vanished.
“I think we both might need some time,” he said, detesting every word but knowing they were necessary. Here he’d been worried she would be the one ending things with him.
How could he do this?
Because it was best for her, in the long run. Because
