“Gemma,” I say into her mouth as sparks dance before my eyes, my own powerful explosion rocketing through me, leaving me perfectly satisfied, perfectly content.
Perfectly into this woman.
10
Gemma
The sound of children playing pulls me awake, and I reach across the bed, happy to find Callan beside me. I roll to face him as his chest rises and falls with his easy breathing. My heart squeezes in my too-tight chest and I swallow against a dry throat. He is such a good guy, the best guy I know, and it hurts to think he plans to spend the rest of his life alone.
He opens one eye, and then the other, and a smile splits his lips when he finds me up on my elbow staring at him. “Hey,” he says his voice sleepy and groggy. “How long have you been awake?”
“Not long,” I say, and lightly trace his nipple. “I hope I didn’t wake you.”
“Of course you woke me. I could feel you lying there staring at me like some sort of creeper.” I laugh at that and he quivers and grabs my hand to stop my exploration of his nipple. “That tickles,” he says.
I laugh. “Now you know how I feel.”
“Oh, are you saying you don’t like it when I do this?” He reaches out to circle my nipple.
“Not exactly.” I exhale a satisfied sigh, my body warm and so satiated, I’m not sure I ever want to leave the comfort of my bed.
“How are you feeling?” he asks.
I stretch out. “Glorious, you?”
For a brief second, something that looks like pain and guilt flashes in his blue eyes before he blinks it away. “I’m good,” he says, but his voice lacks conviction. I let my mind drift to last night, and all the other times his deep sadness penetrated my skin and wrapped around my heart. He misses his wife, and that’s totally understandable, but every intuition in me tells me there is more going on with him. I give that more thought, and that’s when it hits me. He feels responsible somehow for his wife’s death.
“Callan?”
“Yeah?”
“Can I ask you something?” I fluff my pillow and lay on it sideways. He does the same.
“Sure.”
“How come you don’t want to ever have a relationship again? Don’t you think Zoe would want you to be happy?”
He rolls to his back, rests his arm on his forehead and stares at the ceiling. My entire body tightens. I don’t want to hurt him anymore than he’s already hurting, or for him to think he’s doing his daughter an injustice by avoiding relationships, but I hate to see him spend his life alone—thinking he’s somehow to blame.
“There are things you just don’t know, Gemma.”
“I understand that. As your friend, I’m here to talk to if you want. If you don’t want to talk, that’s okay too. I just want you to know I’m here for you. No judgement.”
He goes quiet for a long time, and the sound of the kids playing in the yard fills the silence inside the room. I lay there, not wanting to move or breathe, and when he finally breaks the quiet, my heart jumps into my throat.
“I couldn’t save her.”
I take a few shallow breaths and wait for him to continue. When he doesn’t, I say, “She was in a car accident, Callan. There was nothing you could do.”
“No, you’re wrong. I’m a first responder. I save people all the time. It’s what I do.” He opens his mouth, but a garbled sound catches in his throat. “It’s what I do, Gemma.”
The pain of his loss, the weight he carries on his shoulders, mushrooms inside me. Sorrow fills all my dark corners, and I touch him lightly. He flinches slightly, so I take my hand back. “I’m so sorry it happened.”
He nods as hurt, sorrow, sadness and loss move over his face. He takes my hand and pulls it back, like he needs the connection. “I know.” His head slowly turns my way. “She was pregnant.”
I suck in a fast breath, my stomach coiling so tight, I think I might throw up. I shift a bit closer to offer my warmth, sensing he’s opening up to me and telling me something he’s never told another. There is so much going on inside this man, things he keeps from the world, things he buries and hides by using humor. He’d come here with me, running to my rescue, but from the vulnerability and pain in his eyes, it’s easy to tell he’s the one in need of rescuing. “Callan, I didn’t know.”
“No one did. We were waiting to announce it.” He makes a noise, a humorless laugh, as a pained smile twists his lips. “Zoe had this whole thing planned. We had T-shirts with pizzas on them, two slices missing. Kaitlyn had a T-shirt with one slice. People were supposed to figure out why there were two slices missing.”
“I get it,” I say. “It’s clever.”
“Yeah…”
His voice trails off, and I lay my head on his chest, leaving him to his thoughts. His strong heart beats rapidly beneath my cheek and he puts his arms around me, absorbing my warmth and comfort. We stay like that for a long time, and soon enough we hear cars pulling into the driveway as friends and family gather for the day’s adventures. I don’t move and neither does he. If he needs me to stay here with him for the rest of the day, the weekend, then so be it. There is nowhere else I’d rather be.
Deep sadness moves over his face. “I like being with you, Gemma.”
“But you don’t think you deserve it,” I say, voicing his thoughts when he can’t. He doesn’t answer, so I simply wrap my arms around him and hold him tighter. Callan is one of the nicest yet toughest guys I know, but deep inside he’s raw, stripped bare. He’s shouldering a lot of responsibility and guilt.
