I shake my head to try to clear it, but thoughts that I have no interest in thinking just continue to wash over me like ocean waves. I turn up the music and put on my eye mask. Maybe this will help.
Juliet gets back to the dorm a little bit after me. Unlike me, she didn’t opt to go home to Staten Island for spring break. No, she had a proper spring break, full of drinking and partying in Daytona Beach, Florida. She comes back refreshed, though not very well rested. Her skin has a nice deep glow to it and her hair has streaks of highlights—all evidence of a spring break done right.
“Why are you not tanner?” Juliet asks, showing me her bikini tan lines. “Didn’t you spend the week in sunny California?”
“I am a little tan,” I say. Unfortunately, I don’t have any tan lines to show off. “California is different than Florida. The sun there is very powerful and the air is thin. So, it’s hard to get a nice tan as quickly as in Florida.”
That’s always a surprise to everyone who hears that I’m from California and I’m not the color of an apricot.
“I can only get that tan,” I say, pointing to her shoulders, “in the summer when I spend all the days at the beach.”
“Well, I say that you had missed out then,” she says with a quick smile. “Honestly, it was a blast. I won’t lie, I did black out a few times; I’m not completely used to drinking from morning to night, but wow, what a party!”
“I’m glad you had a good time,” I say.
She went with a whole group of Columbia spring breakers. She didn’t know a soul before she went, but is now probably best friends with every last one of them.
“I’ve got to say, it’s nice to get out there and meet new people,” Juliet says. It seems to me that all she does is meet new people throughout the semester. “It gets a little boring to hang out with the same people all the time.”
I stare at her. I’m about to say “thanks” sarcastically, but she quickly adds, “No offense, of course.”
“None taken.”
“You should really get out there more,” Juliet says. That seems to be her solution to every problem. At this point in my life, I sort of think that she might be right. I do need to meet new people. Try to shake things up in my life, but in a good way.
“I will,” I say. Then it occurs to me. Maybe this is as good a time as ever to tell her about my plans for next year. She might even approve.
“So, speaking of next year,” I start.
“We weren’t speaking of next year,” she points out.
“Okay, you know what I mean.”
“Oh, yeah, about being roommates next year, you mean?” Juliet asks, changing into her pajamas. They are purple and have little coffee pots on them. I’m actually quite jealous of how cute they are. “I’d love that,” she says. “When I said that it’s nice to meet new people, I didn’t mean that I didn’t want to be your roommate anymore. You’re an awesome roommate. There are lots of people out there that are way more obnoxious than you and I’d hate to end up with one of them.”
“Well, thanks,” I say sarcastically. “But no, that’s not really what I was referring to. Actually, I’ve been thinking about…something else.”
I can’t quite find the words to say what I want to say. Maybe it’s because I’ve already disappointed one person today and I don’t want to disappoint another. Maybe it’s because I don’t want to hurt my friend’s feelings. Sooner or later, I do have to tell her. Be brave.
“What? What’s wrong?”
Juliet gets a concerned look on her face. It’s unusual and I feel like I’m actually scaring her. Honestly, I didn’t know that Juliet was capable of being scared.
“No, nothing’s wrong. I’m just thinking that I might not be here next year.”
“What? Are you crazy?” Juliet says as her eyes grow wide.
“I’m just thinking of transferring to USC,” I say.
“USC?” She repeats the word as if she doesn’t know what it means.
“University of Southern California?” I clarify.
“I know what USC is,” she says, spreading her arms out wide. Juliet has a tendency to gesture with her hands and speak with her whole body whenever she’s drunk or angry.
“It’s just something I’ve been thinking about for a while. I think I need a change. It’s close to home, and, honestly, this weather is killing me. It’s making me so freakin’ depressed.”
“Oh, you’re not leaving because of the weather,” Juliet says. “Don’t lie. You’re leaving because of Hudson and Dylan and your stupid marriage.”
I sigh. She’s right, but not entirely. I do hate the weather. The fall wasn’t too bad, but this winter is unbearable. The slush and the darkness and the cold. Everyone on the outside seems angry and disturbed by it, too. It’s harder to get a cab. It’s impossible to see one smiling face in the subway. It’s the very opposite of everything that I love and miss about Southern California.
“It’s not just them. It’s just something I want to do,” I say with a shrug. Another thing I want is for this conversation to be over. Unfortunately, given how much Juliet is pacing around the room, I’m not sure that’s going to be possible anytime soon.
“Listen, Alice, you’ll get through this. You and Dylan are going to get a divorce soon and everything will go back to normal. Next year, we can live in a completely different dorm, just the two of us, and we never have to see Hudson again or Dylan for that matter, if you don’t want to.”
“You’re right. I know, but I really don’t want to be here anymore.”
She shakes her head. She tries again. She reminds me
