“It’s okay,” I say. “What happened happened.”
“No, see, that’s precisely it. It happened because of me. If I hadn’t been so busy with work and school and actually spent some time with you. Then maybe…”
“No, I should’ve been more understanding about your job. It was a good experience, right?”
“Yeah, I guess.” He shrugs. “I just don’t think it was worth losing you over.”
“Well…it’s okay,” I say. “I don’t really know what to say.”
“I also wanted to apologize for getting confused about us. That was partly because of my crazy schedule. I just felt like I needed to get something off my plate.”
“Hudson, it’s fine,” I say. I sort of hate that he referred to me as the something that he had to get off his plate. “It’s all in the past.”
“You see, that’s the thing. What if I don’t want it to be in the past, Alice?”
“What?”
I feel myself losing color in my face as blood drains away somewhere to the lower half of my body.
“Don’t look so scared,” he jokes.
“What are you talking about?”
“I just want to apologize for everything that has happened this semester because I know it’s my fault.”
“Well, not exactly,” I say with a smile. “You didn’t force me to marry Dylan.”
“I know.” He waves his hand to dismiss the matter. “But I know it wasn’t for real. I know you don’t love Dylan. I just made a bigger deal out of it than I probably should have.”
“No, I don’t think so. In fact, I think your response was probably quite appropriate given the circumstances.”
We both start laughing. It’s too ridiculous not to. A part of me is shocked that we’re actually laughing about it so soon. I was sure that it would be years before I could laugh about this. Yet, here we are.
As we laugh, our bodies move closer and closer. I’m not sure how it happens, but suddenly, I find myself right next to his face. I look up at him, surprised. Hudson doesn’t look so surprised. His eyes sparkle. He licks his lips. He touches my chin and lifts it up, bringing my lips closer to his.
“Hudson,” I whisper.
“Alice.”
“What are you doing?” He looks down at my lips and then back to my eyes.
“You know what I’m doing.”
“No, we can’t,” I say, pulling away from him.
“What? Why?”
“Because. Because you know why.”
Now, I’m getting angry. Does he really not know why? I look at him. He stares at me, dumbfounded.
“Because I’m going home to LA. and you’re going to the Bay Area. We won’t see each other for a long time. You’re going to be here for school next year and I’m going to go to USC.”
“So?” he asks.
“So? I don’t want to kiss you and then spend the summer wondering what the hell it means. I want to move on from this, Hudson. I can’t keep doing this.”
“What if I don’t want you to move on?”
“What are you talking about?”
“I want to be with you, Alice. I want to try again.”
I look at him. He looks earnest. Set in his decision, but I’m not.
“I’m sorry, I can’t,” I say, getting out of bed. “I don’t think this…this thing between us can work. It’s too complicated.”
“I love you, Alice.”
He walks over to me and puts his hands on my shoulders. A few loose strands of hair fall into his beautiful face. It takes all of the strength I have not to just lean over and kiss him.
“I love you, Alice. Do you love me?”
I don’t reply for a moment. I could lie, but I don’t.
“Yes, I love you, too.”
“So? What more do we need?”
“It’s not enough, Hudson. I know the Beatles say that it’s all you need, but I need more. At least now.”
I walk out of the room as quickly as I can because tears are already flowing down my face. I can’t stop them. I don’t even try. I just hope that he doesn’t catch up to me and see them. Another part of me hopes that he does. I want him to wipe them away and say that no matter what, everything will be okay.
Hudson doesn’t follow me. I get to the elevator and ride down to the ground floor. It’s May and New York is in full bloom. The streets are crowded with people in t-shirts and shorts. Everyone seems to be running, bicycling, or walking their dogs. I run down to Riverside Park. I need to be alone, but that’s pretty much impossible in this city. All I can ask for is to be somewhere where no one knows me. Strangers here don’t make it a policy to comfort strangers.
With tears running down my face, I run until I reach the fence separating me from the Hudson River. I stand here watching the river flow by and let my tears flow with abandon until twilight falls.
37
I don’t see Hudson at the bar that night. I keep waiting for him to come by. I have my act all ready to go, but he doesn’t show up. Dylan and Juliet are clearly disappointed and somewhat angry at me. They’re even upset the following day while I’m stuffing the last of my stuff into the few available spaces that I still have left in my bags.
“You know what I’m not going to miss about you?” Dylan says, lying on the couch. “All the drama that you and Hudson had this year.”
“Hey, why is that all on me?” I ask. “It’s him, too.”
“It’s him, too. Except that, while you show up after you two have drama, he doesn’t.”
“That’s on him, too,” Juliet says, taking my side.
“Thank you,” I say.
I look at my
