I rolled my eyes. “I’ll stand.”
“Okay.”
“Talk,” I demanded after a minute of his gaze raking from my feet up to the top of my head. The heat in his eyes when they rested on my belly was too much.
“We only planned today and going to Tennessee for the appointment. Nothing beyond that, aside from me going to Ohio.”
My hands went to my hips, a bored mask on my face. “Your point?” If he’d chosen a different time to talk about this, a time when I wasn’t mentally and physically drained, I might not have been so bratty.
He surged to his feet, stealing the oxygen from the room before coming within inches of me. With only a lift of my chin, I was able to meet him head on, hands fisted at my sides. “My point is that you’ve avoided the topic of us this entire time. You got mad at me for kissing you after letting me kiss you, and then the mention of marrying me made you vomit. But then you held my hand out back. You’re all over the map, Kate. Let me be precise. I want you. As mine. We’re having a kid together; we may as well try it out.”
My stomach was swimming again, mind reeling. “I want you. As mine.” Those words did weird things to my heart that I had to ignore. Of course I wanted to be with an amazing man like him, especially the father of this baby. The problem wasn’t him, it was that a relationship didn’t fit into my life as it was. There was no room for building a life with someone, not when most of what I was living was a lie. I couldn’t fake it with him, but I also couldn’t be real with him. I didn’t want to hurt him, didn’t want to be a bitch to him.
Hoping he could see some of the truth in my eyes, I said, “I can’t be in a relationship with you.” I shrugged with my hands held out between us. His face fell. “I want you to be in the baby’s life, and I want your family to be a part of that, but I don’t want anything else.”
Mouth pressed in a thin line, he took a step back. My heart cracked, though I wasn’t sure why—this was how my life had to be. He ran his fingers through his hair. “You don’t want anything?”
“No, I don’t.” God, that hurt. If it was something I had the ability to choose, I would choose him over every other guy in the world.
Fists on his hips, he tilted his head back and stared at the bare ceiling. His Adam’s apple moved as he swallowed three times before he hummed with a nod. When he met my gaze again, his emotions were schooled, showing nothing. “You know, I would ask if there’s someone else, but something tells me you haven’t dated anyone. Like ever. That you don’t let anyone in that close.”
“And you’d be right,” I allowed. Even though it was only a half truth. I did date. Once.
“You won’t tell me why?”
“No, I won’t.”
His shell splintered. “Well, shit, Kate. How are we supposed to raise a kid together if you won’t open up a little? Not even as a friend?”
He was so perceptive. Paid way too close attention. I didn’t have friends, aside from Delia. I didn’t let people know the real me. Even after all the time we spent talking through email and over the phone, I never gave him anything real about myself. It was too risky. “We don’t have to be close. We just have to agree on how to raise this child. That shouldn’t be so hard. Divorced couples do it all the time, and more often than not, they hate each other.”
Eyes in thin slits, he studied me before demanding, “Is this about the marriage thing?”
My heart stuttered. This again? “No, it is not about the marriage thing. At all.”
“Then what the hell is it about?” Averting my gaze, I cracked my knuckles. He glared. “You won’t tell me shit about yourself. You won’t even consider dating me, even though we’re having a baby together. I think I deserve a reason.”
“I don’t owe you anything, Kai. This is the way it’s going to be. Period.”
I watched from the corner of my eye as he paced away from me, muttering multiple expletives, before coming so close our breath mingled, our noses almost touching. Just another inch and he could kiss me senseless like he had earlier in the evening. And boy, did I want him to. My feelings were so irrational.
“I know you want me,” he said through gritted teeth. And he was correct. One. Hundred. Percent. “Not just like that. You probably haven’t ever met a guy who actually gives two shits about you, about who you really are. You’re hungry for it; I can all but feel it radiating from you. When you’re ready, you come tell me, and I’ll be more than willing.”
With that, he left the room, quietly closing the door behind himself.
The air whooshed from me when I sank to the floor. I didn’t have an iota of courage to go brush my teeth for fear I would run into him again.
8
Kate
The next morning, I wasn’t in the best of moods. I had to stick myself again with my Zofran pump. It was irritating having to do the whole thing, having to pack my hazard container I had made from a water bottle. I kept that part of my luggage to myself, but it didn’t make it any less there for me. I was hoping they might consider taking me off it at my next appointment, even though I’d thrown up just the day before. I dressed in a blue blouse and khaki shorts, doing my hair in a loose side braid and swiping some mascara on. Even feeling like shit, I wanted to look nice hanging out with
