I just wished there was a simple way to explain the situation that I’d gotten myself into. A way he would understand everything and trust me - a way for us not to have the conversation that was coming. I didn’t want to see the sadness that would cloud his face. I hated to upset him. But every way I’d played out this conversation in my head it never ended in my favor. I knew that breaking his heart was my only option.
I was doing it for his own good, his own safety. Not that he knew that, but it helped ease my mind. If only slightly.
“If you’re asking if I’m here against my will, I’m not.”
“What… What do you mean?” His face looked as perplexed as he sounded. I hated that I was doing this to him. He looked tired and I could’ve sworn there was a new worry line on his forehead.
“I’m here of my own accord,” I finally said, swallowing my own tongue and trying not to trip over my words.
“What the fuck. You snuck out of my— out of our bed, to run away from me? And to come here, no less?”
I schooled my features to hide my wince. How the fuck was I to explain that? We have a passionate night between the sheets and I run out on him before the next morning even breaks. I could see how he took that personally. I would’ve too. “I can’t explain it. Not yet.”
“It was that horrible with me that you’d rather be here? Well, shit I must be a true fucking monster.”
“No, Nikolai. Don’t be ridiculous.” I tried to stop him, to calm him down but he continued to talk over the top of me.
My god, I loved this man. He was everything I’d ever wanted, and everything I never knew I needed. If only he knew just how much I needed him. He wasn’t a monster, far from it. He was protective and stubborn and my perfect beast. I wished that he could see himself the way that I saw him.
I wanted to pull him into me, to feel his body wrapped around mine. I wanted to show him that I loved him, and calm all his insecurities. But I couldn’t, at least not physically. Who knew who was watching us from inside the house, any little spies could’ve been keeping tabs on us. I needed them to believe me, that I wanted to be here more than I wanted to be with Nikolai. I had to make them trust me, which also meant that I had to make Rachel and Kaleb believe that I didn’t love Nikolai.
Despite what my clear mind was thinking, my hands reached for him, unable to resist touching him, I took hold of his hands. “Nikolai! Please! Just stop.”
And he did. For a second at least. He took a breath and looked at me.
“Anastasia, I don’t understand this…”He began again. With his hands resting on my hips he pulled me closer and rested his forehead against mine. My eyes closed upon impact, the pain in his voice was breaking me.
“What is there to understand, Nikolai?” I asked. I knew it sounded cruel, and if only he could see how saying that broke my heart too.
“Are you serious? You upped and left in the middle of the night, Anastasia. You left me, no note. You have to imagine what was running through my mind - all the different scenarios, scaring the living shit out of me. I didn’t know if I’d ever see you again. Please, just tell me why...”
I wouldn’t let myself acknowledge that he had a valid point. I already felt awful but hearing the way his voice broke felt like daggers stabbing at my already bruised heart
“It was all too much. I needed some space.” I recited the lie that I’d thought of and practised the entire bus ride here.
I knew the game plan and I had to stick to it but this part sucked. When I left I knew what I had to do, to protect not only myself but Nikolai and his brothers as well. Unfortunately, this was the only way that he would let me go. I couldn’t risk the chance that he would sway my decision - make me go home with him
He had that power, I knew that but he didn’t and I couldn’t let him find out.
“You needed space? Bullshit.” For fuck’s sake. I had hoped that my lie would work but I knew it wouldn’t. In such a short frame of time, he’d come to know me better than I knew myself. I wasn’t surprised that he could see straight through me. Plan B…
“Nikolai, do you love me?” My eyes bored into his as I tried to convey my seriousness.
“More than life itself. But you knew that.” He looked so defeated. I wanted to hug him and tell him it was all going to be okay. But I needed to be strong. For both our sakes.
I took a breath. “Then I need you to trust me.”
I watched as he mentally rolled his eyes in frustration. He knew he wasn’t getting anywhere with me. I was almost winning this fight, I couldn’t give up now. “I do trust you,” he said. “And you know that I love you, But how can I protect you when you’re miles away?”
“Trust me, and you’ll be protecting me. I will come home to you.” I pleaded with him. It was the truth, if only he knew that. After a beat and with a final resigned sigh, he gave a slight nod of his head.
I longed to kiss him, capture his face in my hands and never let him go. Instead, to save us both more heartache I pulled his hands from my hips and took a step back. The distance was evil but also exactly what I needed at the moment to separate myself from this situation.
