“Are we ever?” Alicia asked. “I mean… listen, I’m no expert, at all, right? But I do know that this – you figuring out how to live your life for yourself – is not a mission. There are no briefings, no run-throughs, no drills, no… instructions. You’ll never be ready. You’re going to have to dive in and make some mistakes.”
“Mistakes get you killed.”
“Not so much anymore. That’s Garden mentality seeping through,” Alicia warned. “Obviously, I get it – I mean, I have a whole security firm, so it’s not like I don’t understand the presence of danger, but… again, this isn’t a mission. Your neighbors aren’t enemy combatants. You don’t have any targets except… living a good life.”
“That shit is so easy to say,” I groaned.
“You think I don’t know that?” she countered. “Have you forgotten that I was in your exact same shoes?”
No.
I hadn’t.
It also hadn’t escaped my notice that she was being very generous with the “exact same shoes” thing. The truth was that she’d had it harder, having to assimilate into a whole new role without at least the benefit of knowing she wasn’t alone in her… confusion.
There were women – and men – in the same predicament as me, all over the world right now.
Without the benefit of a mentor who actually “got” it.
“You know… maybe we’re going about this the wrong way,” she continued, when I hadn’t answered. “When I first left the Garden, the Whitfields sent me to therapy, which was a double-edged sword. It helped me be able to cope, but… I still had to pretend to be something I wasn’t. I couldn’t open up to anyone, even my therapist, about the things I’d done. I had to fake it.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying… maybe it would be more productive for you to step into a role. The role of who you want to be. Deep cover.”
“I don’t want to live a lie.”
“I know,” Alicia agreed. “And I don’t want you to either – I want you to live. But to get there… you might have to fake it until you make it. What you want is to be a normal young woman, who makes candles and has a crush on a guy. And makes friends, and maybe forms a romantic relationship, and starts a business, and… doesn’t have the urge to kill people. Doesn’t have nightmares about it. Right?”
I blew out a little sigh, then nodded. “Right. I guess all that would be fine.”
“Okay, so… you’ve gotta move on that. You’ve gotta step into the role of a woman who does those things, not one who watches others make them happen. Don’t think about – do it. Be that girl until you are that girl.”
“That feels like cheating.”
“Who gives a fuck?” Alicia scoffed. “Obviously, you’re going to do whatever you want – I’m just offering my advice. I’m not your handler, Tempest – I’m your friend. It’s been over a year, and yes, you’ve made some strides – I don’t wanna discount that. But if you’re telling me that’s not enough for you, that you want more, that you’re tired of just… existing? You’re going to have to change something.”
“How?” I asked, shaking my head. “I hear what you’re saying, but… how? Every conversation is so awkward, and stunted, and I know the people around here think I’m some weirdo.”
“I doubt it,” Alicia laughed. “I’m sure it feels exaggerated to you, but… you were a Rose. Does that have to define you? No, of course not. But you don’t have to act like your past didn’t leave you with a certain skillset – one of them being the ability to improvise, and talk your way through a situation. You can walk into any room and adapt. You can have a conversation with anyone. Don’t be so consumed with becoming someone new that you feel like you have to suppress even the good parts of who you already were.”
“Okay mom.”
Again, she laughed, not bothered by my dry tone because she knew – like I did – that she was probably right.
I’d spent the better part of a year drifting until, through mutual contacts, I heard that Alicia was looking to connect with any “stray” Roses who needed a place to land. And even after that, I hesitated to reach out, unsure if I could trust her, or anyone.
It took a while for me to come to the realization that… I kinda had nothing to lose.
I didn’t lose though.
Even with all the uncertainty, it felt, to some degree, like I’d won.
I was free, mostly, to do what I wanted.
It was a point now of really figuring out what that was.
And… doing it.
“Dacia and Pen will be happy to know you called. They’ve been asking every other day. You do have their numbers, right?”
I sighed. “Yeah. I do.”
“Just making sure. Since I asked them both to give you space to make first contact, and… I dunno, talk? Be friends?”
I let out another sigh. “Yeah. Maybe.”
Maybe if they didn’t remind me so much of what I’m trying to get away from…
“Don’t let me pressure you,” Alicia insisted. “Just… remember that you’re not as alone as you might feel. Or rather… you don’t have to be.”
“I hear you.”
“That’s all I ask.”
We said our goodbyes from there, and I got off the phone… feeling good that I’d called. Was I going to call or text Penelope or Dacia, both of whom I’d been at the Garden with?
No.
At least, not today.
But it was comforting to be reminded that I had the option.
I spent some time cleaning, and researching more about this whole candle thing, and obsessively tracking my supply orders. Finally, once an acceptable hour for it had been reached, I donned some actual clothes and made my way across the street to the coffee house for the tea I’d taken to getting every morning.
Even though I should probably know better than to form a routine.
My lack of sleep had caught up with me, and I needed a remedy for that.
The weather was much improved over what it had been for
