He looked back at her, so very calm. It was as though he was hearing her clearly, at last.
“So what has this been, then?” he said. “The whole of these past seven years?”
“This has been my life,” she said. “The relationship of my life. With the love of my life.”
“Was being with me, like, a cover-up for something else? Or an alternative to something you kept yourself from pursuing all this time? Was there anyone else?”
“No. It never even occurred to me to think about it too hard. As more than just a fantasy. It was just a thing that would never happen. That’s the truth. That’s the deepest true thing I can tell you. I was with you. I was in love. I loved you. I love you. It’s simple. That’s all it is.”
“What if we hadn’t been together? What if you’d been single?”
“I probably would’ve dated some other boy, or several other boys.”
“Really.”
“Yes, of course I would’ve met somebody else.”
“Other boys.”
“Maybe I would’ve dated a girl. Is that what you want me to say?”
“No wonder getting married is so terrifying to you. You don’t even know if…No wonder marriage is the scariest thing there is.”
“It’s what I want,” she said. “It’s what I want more than anything. It is.”
“It’s not,” he said. “And it’s okay that it isn’t. Really. Just be honest with me. Finally. Please, Whit. Just please start helping me understand what any of this actually means.”
She lifted her head but her eyes were shut again now. “Everyone’s a little afraid of marriage,” she said. “But it’s not you that I’m afraid of. It’s…letting the fucking state…and St. Luke’s…and whatever else into our lives, into our private personal situation together. It’s so fucking official, and legal, and none of their business, really.”
“Don’t do this,” he said. “You don’t have to do this for my benefit. Letting the state into your life is not what twists you up inside.”
“That’s all there is. That’s all there was and is to it.”
“Just tell me what this thing is now,” he said. “You can’t say that it’s nothing, that it changes nothing. You know that doesn’t make any sense. Just tell me what—”
“Stop saying the same thing over and over! Okay?! I don’t know what to tell you! I just don’t know who the fuck I am right now, okay?!”
He let her hang there breathing. He’d pushed it there and it wasn’t satisfying to him in the least. He knew he was bullying her and it disgusted him. Despite everything. Despite everything she’d done. He loved her, even if it was over, and he was making things worse for her. He reached for her hands. He pulled them from her knees.
“You’re Whitney,” he said.
“And who is that?” she said.
“That’s the person I love more than anyone in the world,” he said.
She started crying again, swellingly grateful, relieved that the inquisition was over.
He nodded and stood. “Okay.”
“Okay.”
“So, what now?” he said.
She shrugged and her mouth was small.
“So, we pack,” he said, folding another shirt.
She sat there on the edge of the bed, waiting for more, waiting for anything else from him.
“I didn’t do this to hurt you,” she said.
“I know. How could you have known that it would mean something, right?”
She paused and swallowed. “I couldn’t have expected this, whatever this is,” she said, swallowing again. “But I should tell you, because…I should tell you that it wasn’t my first time with a woman.”
“Ah.” He shook his head.
“When I was abroad junior year. When I was all alone and all fucked up after everything that had happened that summer. There was a girl from Paris. It happened a few times over a few weeks. Then I saw her again spring break senior year, when I went back alone. But it was nothing. And I never even thought about it again, really, but—”
“So, right before we met. You went and saw her, like, a week before we got together.”
“I didn’t go to see her. I went to Paris and she was there.”
He licked his lips and shook his head again. “And you never thought about it all this time?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know what to tell you. It didn’t mean anything to me then. I guess I could’ve told you in the beginning, but I didn’t think it was all that important. I was doing everything to make this work. I didn’t want to risk anything.…It’s not like I was hung up on it or something, or had all these feelings for her. It was just something that happened. I know a lot of women who…”
“You’re right, everyone’s done it, I forgot,” he said. “Anything else to report?”
She shut her eyes and was pulling her hair again. She had her hair twisted around her longest finger and was yanking mindlessly. “I…I don’t know how important or not this is…but I need to tell you so that we never have to talk about it again. To just…say everything about.…It happened on a Friday, a weekend, and so…” Her voice caught on a hitch. “…it happened again in the morning.”
He stared back at her.
“It happened again in the morning,” she said, “and then again the next day.”
“Whitney,” he said. “C’mon.”
“I’m sorry,” she said. “There’s nothing else.”
“How could there be?” he said.
“There’s nothing else, I just wanted you to know.”
“Okay.”
“I would’ve never in a million years done it if I’d known this is how I would feel afterward.”
“Okay. I’m sorry you’re confused.”
“But it doesn’t change anything, okay?”
“If you say so,” he said, packing still, eyes on his crumpled boxers and shirts.
“I couldn’t have known…”
He looked up at her with ice behind his eyes. “Right, but, like, maybe
