I can’t let that go down.
Me: No, but I wasn’t expecting to hear from you either. This isn’t your number, is it?
Again, the dots come immediately, as if he’s lying in bed waiting for my responses. Jesus, that imagery. The man looks like a fucking snack with his uniform on… Imagine it off.
The text bubbles shift up with his reply: Nah. It’s a burner.
I nearly laugh out loud. This dude said it’s a burner.
Me: Lol, are you for real?
Another bubble: Do I look stupid?
Me: I mean, you did give an inmate a phone...
The minute I hit send, I swipe back into the contacts and throw in something more lowkey, something more...fitting. I can all but feel the devil horns piercing my scalp.
Chulo means cutie, by the way...
Chulo: Shut up. Don’t make me regret it, Villanueva.
Me: Don’t start with that Villanueva shit. You’re not on the clock.
Chulo: My bad… Don’t make me regret it, Birdy.
Me: **Benni
Chulo: Don’t make me regret it, Benni...
Me: I promised you, didn’t I? Speaking of, when should I pencil you into my “hella busy” schedule to suck your dick?
Those horns pierced through my scalp, all right, just like old times. Tongue caught between my teeth, I’m trying my absolute damndest not to wake Selena up right now with the fit of laughter that wants to break free, especially when I see the dots appear.
And disappear, and then reappear, and disappear again.
El pobre. Poor guy.
Chulo: Jesus Christ.
Chulo: You’re bad...
Me: Duh, look where I’m at lol. And what? Did you think I forgot about that? You did me a favor, so now I follow through with my end of the deal. That’s usually how deals work.
Chulo: Not necessary. I wanted to help you.
Not gonna lie. I melt a little despite the warning bells ringing distantly in my mind. Keep it light, Benni. Keep it light.
Me: Thank you for that. You really did help.
Chulo: I’m glad I could.
Me: So if you don’t want me to make good on my end, what do you get out of it then?
Chulo: Nothing.
Chulo: Unless you wanna count talking to you, ‘cause that’s a perk.
Damn him.
DAMN. HIM.
Me: How is talking to a felon a perk?
Legit question too. I’m genuinely curious to know what he sees in me.
Chulo: Because I know said felon wants me to talk to her.
He’s not wrong.
Me: Can I ask you something?
Chulo: Go for it, mami.
I cringe, literally cringe. Regardless of it being such a common term of endearment in my culture, Ángel ruined it for me. If I never hear it again, it’ll be too soon.
Me: Okay, firstly—nix the mami. My almost-ex ruined that for me.
Chulo: Almost-ex? Lol.
Me: Storytime for another day. My question is… Why risk it all for me?
Chulo: I don’t have a single reason.
Me: Tell me the reasons.
Chulo: I just wanted to help, Benni. I could see what the news was doing to you, and if I could help take some of that away, I was gonna do it.
Chulo: And like I said, talking to you is a perk, so there’s what I get.
My fucking heart again, man. I just...
Me: I can’t with you…
Me: Thank you a million times.
Chulo: Thank me with smiles. I don’t wanna see that frown again.
Me: If you kissed me, I probably wouldn’t frown at all.
I shouldn’t have, I know, but it’s the truth.
Chulo: ……
Chulo: Stop tempting me.
Me: But I like tempting you.
Chulo: You’re tempting enough as it is. Look what we’re doing right now.
Me: I thought you said it was a perk?
Chulo: Oh, it is, but that doesn’t cancel out the fact we shouldn’t be.
Me: Sounds like you’re warring with yourself as much as I am.
Chulo: I am, yes...
The subtle confirmation that he feels this, too, only adds fuel to the fire. Keep. Things. Light. Light and organized—that’s all we have to do. Easier said than done because if similar feelings in the past have proven anything to me at all, it’s that they can spiral into messy rather quickly. Shit—haven’t they already?
The vibe of another message pulls me from my introspection.
Chulo: I changed my mind.
Me: About?
Chulo: When you asked what’s in it for me…
Me: Lolll. Want me to pencil you in after all?
Chulo: Yeah, for a taste of your lips.
I’m biting said lips in anticipation as I type...
Me: That’s all?
Chulo: For now… I’ve been eyeing them since my first day. They look so soft.
For now…
Me: They are.
Chulo: I want them, even if it’s just once.
Me: When?
Chulo: I don’t know. Might have to be spur-of-the-moment with how limited time is.
Once again, he’s not wrong. Now that I think about it, this is the longest he and I have been able to speak in the time we’ve known one another. I can’t lie and say I’m hating the idea of spur-of-the-moment, though. Think of the thrill, that all-consuming free fall of your heart when you’re caught by surprise. That would only add to the moment, make it taste that much sweeter.
Me: You want them? Come get them…
Being bad did always taste so much sweeter.
♫ Got You On My Mind - NF
Once.
Just once.
I just need to taste her one time, and I’ll be good.
That’s the bullshit lie I’ve been telling myself since I text it to Benni at the beginning of the week. We’re going on Friday now, and after texting for hours on end the last four nights in a row, I’m more on edge than I was before. We’ve asked each other almost every question in the book at this point: How old are you?—she’s two years older than me. Where are you from?—she’s Cuban; I’m Colombian. What’s your favorite color, favorite food, hobbies, etcetera, etcetera? Don’t get me wrong, getting to know her has been the highlight of my week, but fuck has it made that much more difficult. It’s not so much the not being able to interact freely during the day like we
